Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Horoscopes in Kuwait SUCK


Most of the time, I only look at newspapers to check out my horoscope. That is superficial, vapid, and shallow - I know - but that's about as much time as I have at Caribou between the time I walk from my car and the time my coffee is ready and I have to get upstairs to work.

The other day, the Arab Times horoscope told me to go watch a baseball game. C'mon y'alls!  Baseball???  Go see a BASEBALL game?  Cut/paste is like soooooo 5 centuries ago.

So, I'm thinking of creating my own regionally-customized horoscopes and posting them here.  Pour example, today:

ARIES:  If you think you are going to start your day with a smooth chai 7alib and chapathi (DG:  Which is what I really wanted), you are sadly mistaken. Numerous speedbumps to your day await (DG:  I ran one over going top speed this morning like a bad-outa-Hell-idiot!)  But don't despair!  The sun is out -- and like a penned ram in Kabd, you find happiness in its swarm glow. Greet the world with a smile.

... ok some bullshit like that.

Oh - which brings me to another point:  I'm retarded.  (Yes, I know that is an politically-incorrect term, but by any definition, it refers to ME:   Impeded.  Slowed.  Develpmentally hindered. Back to my point...)  I keep bumping into things with my car.  Now,  I know that is a very blonde thing to say, but I do.  I bump into objects (usually curbs) with my right rear tire.  Yesterday, in Souq Al Maseel (one of the dumbest parking garages - EVAH), I bumped into some kind of metal retaining thingy (I think it was put there to actually protect the stupid CURB) and it turned my entire tire yellow.  Well, ok, let's speak in reality:  I turned my entire tire yellow.  Howmasupposed to get that off?  Most of the time, I bump into one particular curb in our parking garage at work.  It is there - just lurking - waiting for me to whip around the corner at top speed (because I'm always late).  It's not my fault.  My car is the freakin Batmobile and I can't see over the sides at any angle.  It has HUGE blind spots.  I need to get some of dem 18-wheeler mirrors that stick out like 2 feet on either side.  NOT my fault.

I was late today, but I didn't hit the garage curb, luckily.  I just ran over a gynormous speed bump (no - NOT "hump" - it's "bump") in Salmiya.  I knew it was there; I just wasn't thinking.  BAM.  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...  Oh --  And why was I in Salmiya?  Em, because I had to go to FOUR ATMs before my card would work.  (Don't ask me why - I'm retarded.)  My horoscope didn't say ANYTHING about that shit.  No, it didn't.  Baseball!  RRRR.  Balls.

Hey, let's talk about men! 

So a few of my friends at The Secret Hide Out have been fighting for the past few weeks.  Testy, testy.   I have other friends who have had petty arguments.  I've seen little arguments here and there.  Mr. Clean is just not himself (he's got magic on him) and fighting with everybody.  So I ask Hmood why this is.  He flatly replied, "This is the time of the year when all the men are horny."  Whaaaaaaaaat?  Apparently, they're supposed to be hormonal.  Fassssssscinating.

Come to think of it, every B-C-D and even E -lister has been calling me lately. THREE of them asked me to marry them (uh, taken with a carton of Morton's, not just a "grain of salt").  "I love you baby."  "I love you baby."  "I love you."    Whats up with that?  (Sigh.  If only Movie Star were hormonal.... or maybe he is - just with a guy?  Bygones.)

My neighbor bought a ram one time.  It was out there doin it's business, workin the ladies.  Everybody was expecting lots and lots of lambs that Spring.  But then.... nothing.  My neighbor took the ram to the vet.  Turns out he was sterile.  (Sorry, I don't know what brought that ditty to mind - other than the Aries thing and the hormonal men and being totally unproductive.) 

Kuwait:  Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.  (I'm going to stop now, really....)

Anyhoooo....  Howz your day?


Anonymous said...

We love the horoscope in the Arab times and look it up online when I dont get the paper. It can be very strangley accurate BUT ONLY for my husband. Mine always has to do with friends or my career and since I have no friends and work at home... So I barely read mine. But my husbands is weird, really weird. BUT When it says for him to be very careful with money. I dont read him the horoscope because he will obey. Not so good for me. LOL

Anonymous said...

Ok i have to admit i never read your blog before i saw the name Desert Girl but i always thought oh god here we go again with another blog advertising things that nobody wants and talking about how hot it is and blah blah blah.... Allow me to say I WAS WRONG..your Blog is really great so down to earth so every day life kind of read and most of all has a great sarcastic humor to it. I never comment on blogs and im not writing this to you cause im "horney" or asking you to marry me lol i just thought i would share my thoughts on your blog. Thank you for making time at work less painful.

Desert Girl said...

Anonymous 5:08 - How do I access the AT horoscopes online? I'm stunted... impeded....

Anoymous 2:03 - Thanks! I am 100% about sarcastic humor and keeping people from being productive at work. You obviously know me well already! Thanks for writing.

Sam Singh said...

I also like to check my daily horoscope and predictions.I check it daily online and by newspaper but it in my way, online horoscope prediction is good to know more about future, career, nature. Now I am using Career horoscope Report online to get prediction about my career field.