Where to Take a Visitor to Kuwait

I had a request from a new friend. She asked for ideas on where to take a visitor to Kuwait and I have never done a post about it before, so here goes. These are my personal preferences and I’m sure people can add their own if you would like to comment. I started doing some digging and came across even more information on the net (I have added links).

Morqab Tours is excellent.  See my post on them HERE listing tours and prices.  Nuzha Tours offers tours of Kuwait also; however, they are not flexible when it comes to minimum numbers of people before they will do the tour. They also publish the Kuwait Zoom Magazine which has monthly updates of activities as well as maps (you can find it at the airport or Sultan Center). Nuzha Tours should (in my opinion) take over TEC (see below). I found some really cool information that the US embassy, Kuwait has put together. You can find it by clicking HERE. It was written by two women and my compliments to you, dudettes! Outstanding data.

See the Sea. Every visitor to Kuwait must see the country from the sea! There are nine islands off the coast of Kuwait: Failaka, Bubiyan, Miskan, Warba, Auhha, Umm Al-Maradim, Umm Al-Naml, Kubbar and Qaruh. Kubbar is the most popular island during the summer (packed with people and boats during the weekends -- home to the Teeny Tiny Kuwait Bathing Suit Contest every weekend at 4:30 pm), Qaruh is surrounded by a coral reef and nesting ground for sea turtles, and Umm Al-Maradim boasts phosphorescent algae. This phenomenon has been documented in other parts of the world (Florida, for example), but is not well-known in Kuwait; Any movement in the water creates tiny lights like “fairy dust”, similar to that given off by fireflies. On a starry night when the moon is full, it is magical. The water is clear enough to see the sea floor and hot as bath water in the summer. The sky is a blanket of stars and the lights from the mainland shore and the off-shore oil rigs twinkle in the distance. For a shorter trip, for 1 KD, you can catch a pontoon boat from either souq sharq (in front of Debenhams) or Sultan Center restaurants complex (next to the yachts club) which will take you on a 30 minute tour of the Kuwait Bay, complete with Kodak moments (photo ops). If it all possible, try to get to Failaka (by ferry at Ras Salmiya or Marina Crescent). It is really worth your trip - especially now, before they start developing it into "something different". The Safir Heritage Hotel is on the island if you want to stay overnight and day packages are available. Note that the island are just about the only places where you will find natural (as in “not man-made” like at the hotels), clean beaches.

I don’t think anyone should miss camping in the desert (can be a day trip) but unless you know someone with a camp, it might be difficult. You can check in Al Waseet for people who rent camps (the camping season goes through the end of March, but you have to check the newspapers to see when the Municipality ends the camping season). Nuzha Tours is probably your best bet for a 1 day camp with lunch. (By the way - none of those pictures on their website of the desert is of Kuwait!) If you don’t do any other camping, go to Mutlaa Ridge (80 N towards Iraq past Jahra - photo) for a picnic and watch the sun go down. It is so worth the drive. When it gets dark, you can see the lights of Kuwait City across the bay. I wish someone would build a (environmentally friendly/green) restaurant there someday. It is truly one of my favorite spots in Kuwait.

I took my mom to the camel markets (with Kuwaiti friends) in Salmi towards Jahra. Don't ask me how to get there again. I went gerbil hunting at night out there (again with Kuwaiti friends) and I still don’t know where the Hell we were.

I usually take my visiting friends/family to see the older, traditional places in Kuwait. I know when I first came here in 93, all I wanted to see were the old souqs - and my Kuwaiti girlfriends didn't even know how to get to them! :)

There are, of course, the usual places to take visitors. Mubarakia, which includes the gold market and "souq hareem" or women's market selling "traditional" items including my favorites like “thobe neshla” (thin, gold-thread embroidered cover for traditional dancing) and “farwa” (wool outer garment worn by men in the desert typically lined with lamb fleece), and several small carpet and Bedouin woven goods shops. Souq Al Kuwait for traditional Kuwaiti sweets and pastries. Then there's the fish market (next to Souq Sharq), Tareq Rejab Museum, the Towers (my mom calls them "the balls of Kuwait" – there are 3!). Friday Market and the tent market right next to it (you can drive through that one - just to let your people see an example of all the types of tents they sell - it is pretty cool).

Avoid the animal market at the Friday Market - very sad. Don't go to the zoo - it is awful for anyone who loves animals. Do go to the aquarium/Scientific Center.

You can always go to the malls; which is so ordinary that I’m only going to mention Kout -- not for the shopping, but because of the architecture, dancing water fountain, and just all-around beauty of the place. You have to take visitors to Kout if for no other reason than just to sit outside and have a cup of coffee next to that mesmerizing fountain. There is a Lebanese restaurant at the end of the mall (which I can’t remember the name of right now – I think it is Mirjian or something similar) which has good food and is very pretty. It faces the sea. Ok, I’ll mention Marina Crescent because it is also pretty and nice for breakfast or coffee (by too crazy with young people running around at night).

Several of my American newcomer friends find shopping at the co-ops fascinating (T, you need a life, girlfriend!) It is kinda interesting because you see items that you wouldn’t see “back home”. I bought several female relatives stikanas, saucers, and spoons for something like a total of 4 kd and they went bananas over them. My mother liked the co-ops too, come to think of it.

Antiques in Kuwait are mainly from the region – not Kuwait. My favorites are in the basement of the Al-Ozeina Building (downstairs from the American Beauty store) on Salem Mubarak Street in Salmiya, close to Marks & Spencer. It is easy to miss - the signage is small (photo) and easy to miss when you are driving past. Just look for the building with all the beauty supply products. There are also stores in Mubarakia and Muthanna Mall.

Muthanna also has my favorite bookstore on the basement level. They’ve got good reference books on Kuwait.

You have to take them to a traditionally Kuwaiti restaurant and I recommend Shatiya Watiya (although it is kind of hard to get to because of the construction). It is located downtown in the Behbehani houses next to the church. There is another Kuwaiti restaurant in Salmiya, Fareej Suwaileh, near Marks & Spencer, but when I went there, the service wasn’t great. Le Notre on the Gulf Road is a great place to take people at night because of the view of the Kuwait Towers.

When I first came here, I went to 2 places that were very interesting to me: The Red Palace in Jahra and The Qurain House (also known as "The Martyrs Museum"). The Red Palace is an old fort that was the scene of the famous battle of Jahra fought in 1920. I found it interesting because everything is so small. (were people that much smaller in 1920?) Nuzha tours offers visits to the Red Palace. Qurain House is probably one of the last remaining relics of the Gulf War and very emotionally moving. I cried. They have pictures and stories of the Kuwaiti resistance guys who fought and died there. Again, Nuzha offers tours there - or you can try to find it by following signs off road 208. We got lost in Qurain trying to find the house, and the young Kuwaiti guy we stopped to ask for directions took the time to drive us there, which I thought was a nice gesture.

Additional links to information on places to see in Kuwait:

In my humble opinion, the Touristic Enterprises Company (which is similar to a Board of Tourism in other countries) has done a terrible job in promoting tourism and activities in Kuwait. They don't market themselves and even through a Google search, were cumbersome to find. Once you get to their page, you will find multiple spelling mistakes and under the main English window in "Events", "No events posted". Chellooooo - what about Hala February, etc? That is just an embarrassment to Kuwait! Disgraceful. Further, with all the military forces and peripheral staff in Kuwait since 2003 - in addition to Kuwait as the NYT's 52nd top travel destinations, you would think that the TEC would have cornered the market on activities and tours in Kuwait, but noooooo.

Below are better, more informative links (many of the sites are from OUTSIDE of Kuwait. Feshla ya TEC!)

Kuwait offers many places of interest to all age groups

Kuwait Information Office in India: Places of Interest (in Kuwait)

Travel to Kuwait: Welcome to Kuwait

Kuwait Pocket Guide: Recreation

Tourism in Kuwait

Kuwait-Toplist Places of Interest

American Airlines - Tourist Attractions & Sightseeing - Kuwait

Visit Kuwait

OAG Travel Information - Kuwait

Q8Sultana: Things to Show Your Visitors In Kuwait (Thanks for the link, Girlfriend!)

Ugly American

Incase you don’t know it (and I didn’t know the entire extent of it till I looked it up on Wikipedia), Ugly American is an epithet used to refer to perceptions of arrogant, demeaning, thoughtless behaviors of Americans at home or abroad. "For some reason, the people I meet in my country are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."

So, as they say, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. I admit, I become the Ugly American at points (although I don’t isolate myself socially or live pretentiously; and don’t think I’m frightened or defensive, nor improperly trained). I do it both at home and abroad. I know I have anger management issues and I’m trying to be a kinder, gentler person, but sometimes I just lose it (I’m an Aries for cryinoutloud!) – and around here, it really isn’t hard because there is so much fuel for the fire.

This weekend, I was for sure an ugly American. I dealt with a counter clerk at a shoe store. Long-story-short, I left my American (how ironic is that) Express card there and, thankfully, counter clerk had given me the wrong color bag; so I returned the next day to change the bag and he gave me my card back. At which point, I ripped his head off. There is more to the story than that: it started the first day when he threw the card back at me and said, “Bank unavailable” when he tried for the mere 30 seconds to put the Amex through – looking at me as if I had no money and was declined. There was more… but bygones.

He started arguing with me – which I HATE. I don’t get it when you are the customer and the sales person wants to argue with you. It is shitty customer service and I almost instinctively argue back (until I kill the topic and stomp on its grave with glee). Anyhoo, I tried to make a point that one should never argue with an American woman as we almost always can’t shut up and stop.

As a side note, I almost never ever flaunt the fact that I’m American (and I
wasn’t trying to above). When asked around here, I prefer to say that I’m
a dual-national and married to a Kuwaiti. Most people will just say,
“Oh….” As if I’m on the same level of cultural understanding about life
here. It is a qualifier somehow. There is a distinction between
Americans who have been in Kuwait for many years (and understand the culture
and/or who have integrated into the society) and those who have shown up after
2003 (mostly contractors or military folks who have a specific assignment for
1-2 years and will move on “leaving only footprints, taking only photographs”).

Using the word “American” in any context is obviously taboo. It is unpatriotic to have an argument/disagreement or raise your voice and use that word. We are not allowed to show the world that we are human and as such, flawed. Doing so in this part of the world would mean that you aren’t here to “win hearts and minds” and to “spread democracy”.

A soldier-looking type was milling around the store and overheard parts of my diatribe. He waited – standing close to my friend and I as we shopped – for an opportunity to “have a word with me”-- loud enough so that all the customers and counter staff could hear it. He stopped me and said, “You give Americans a bad name. You are a guest in this country. Your behavior is atrocious…” Yada yada blah blah blah. (He was so upset that he had turned red from the lower neck, up.)

Now, here is what I find ironic and fascinating (and I haven’t been able to stop pondering it): He, as an American, found it necessary to become arrogant and demeaning to ME – who was, in the first place, arrogant and demeaning. I have never been spoken to in this manner by 1) someone I’ve never met; 2) someone who didn’t know the entire story therefore making him judgmental; and 3) someone who just like me, was arrogant enough to think he could stop someone (considering 1 & 2) and have the audacity to speak to them like a child. The feminist part of me would say that perhaps he wouldn’t have done this, had I been a man.

Dude must be either an officer in the military or work for the embassy because the “guest in this country” is a dead give-away (as well as the haircut and the shave) for “I just got here, I’ve been told to behave myself, and I feel that I can dictate my point of view to everyone else.” I didn’t have a sharp retort (which is TOTALLY unlike me) and only said, “Well, thank you for your oppinion, SIR.”

Here is the short and stinky of this interesting predicament:

I should not have been so pissed off at the store clerk and ripped him a new one, first and foremost. I have since found a way to apologize and I hope it is sufficient. Crew-cut dude will never know that, however.
I don’t consider myself a “guest” in this country. Kuwait is my home. I consider myself (and I hope that others do too) a resident and member of the community; hopefully adding to the overall good of the country.
As far as giving Americans a bad name – I hope not. I try my damndest to be a kind person regardless of my nationality, but alas, we all have good and bad days.
I am going to try really hard not to jump to conclusions or be as judgemental as I sometimes am. In turn, I hope others like dude will do the same. As my sister says, “You never know what someone’s day has been like or what they are going through, so just let it go.” Yup. I’m going to try to be more like that.

Here Comes Stupid

We moved out offices about 2 weeks ago; thank GOD – OUT of the Shuwaikh Port. If anyone is even remotely considering renting an office space inside the Port, it is a logistical nightmare. Our office had been there for years, and I pity who ever moved in there after us. For office staff: Kuwaitis are given 1 year entrance passes, other nationalities 6 months (depending on nationality). Every time you want a visitor to come see you, they have to stand in line behind a gazillion smelly people to get a visitor gate pass. And then – you get to deal with the “extra friendly and professional” guards at the gate (who change every few months). Terrible.

Anyhoo, our new office space is about 1000 times better. It is huge and I have a kickin new office. All the managers are going out and buying our own stuff to furnish our spaces (alas, it has become a competition now between me and the Kuwaiti manager next ot me to out-do each other – he’s winning). Being me, I have a particular "theme" in mind, so I went to Dhajeej to find The Perfect Carpet. I went into 3 different carpet shops looking for The Perfect Shade and I picked out normal looking grades. At all 3 shops, dudes quoted me 17 kd a meter ($62/yd), proudly saying, “Made in Kuwait.”

Now, I’m not a snob about this kind of stuff. Being American, we realize that most of the products in the US are from China anyways. When I came to Kuwait in the early 90’s, no one would ever say, “Made in Kuwait” thinking that it would be more prestigious to the customer. They lied. “Oh Madame, it is made in Paris” (also known as Fahaheel); or Italy or whatever. The perception was that if it was made somewhere European or American, it was better quality (and they could bump up the price because of “shipping costs”). Yeah. (If you don't believe me, go check out American Home. Yikes.)

So, why the F all of a sudden does carpet made locally (out of the finest imported polyester?) cost so much? I asked the guy if it has gold threading. Is it because I’m foreign and blonde and they think I’m stupid? Does “Made in Kuwait” at 17 kd/m imply that there is a tribe of Bedu weavers somewhere in one of Kuwait’s industrial areas with an enormous (polyester) loom, working away by hand? Am I to be impressed? I mean – WTF. I could import my own carpet for less than that. If you string together Ikea carpets, it comes out to less money per meter.

Trash bags are made in Kuwait and I’m not impressed by that either – and you can still buy those at Mirah Center for like 200 fils a dozen….

That is just freakin unbelievable.

On a similar note, I went to KFH cars yesterday in Shuwaikh. As I stood in the showroom (the only woman around and fer sure the only blonde), there were 2 salesmen obviously on a break who smiled at me, but didn’t offer me any help. A younger salesman, sporting a virtual-beard (guess he couldn’t fill in all that facial hair), walked towards me and the 2 older salesman told him to help me. Young dude seemed very reluctant (blonde? Boobs? Foreigner?) and actually walked by me. I was wearing one of my conservative “manager” suits, so there shouldn’t have been any temptation vice associated. I made eye contact and he said, “What do you want?” (Oh no he di’n’t!) I said, “Eshtaaaawa! What do I WANT? I WANT a car!” pretty loudly. So, the 10 or so men who were milling about immediately stopped, turned and started laughing. Did he think I was there for a phucking chicken shawarma? To his credit, he instantly started apologizing and became very professional.

It was kinda cool because while I was there, I ran into 2 long-bearded KFH guys that I used to work with a long time ago and they were really friendly and nice to me (yippee – wastah at KFH car showroom!).

Thank God, no one tried to send me to the “ladies section” because I am so tired of biting off heads. I used to run into the main office of KFH’s men’s section just to bother people and to see how long it would take them to say, “Sister! Sister! There is a ladies entrance…” Tee hee. I’m not your damn sister and if I was, I'm pretty sure you would disown me for being "immoral" (not that I care because I like it).

I do have to say that KFH has gotten a lot better in the past few years. Most people are very kind and professional. The guys at the call center are exceptional.

This had been a weird week.

I can’t wait to get to the chalet tonight (the alternate - as the regular one is now burned and everything including the way-cool CDs are gone). Another Absolute™ weekend.

Poor Sperm!

Are the sperm poor because they talk on their cellphones too much? Do they also have Zain as their provider? I could have told them that they would be poor....

In response to this title: Don't let sperm use your mobile phone. Or, don't hold your mobile phone close to your private parts (vibrate mode?).

Firemen, Policemen, and Dogs (oh my!)

We went to a gaada in Kabd on the dustiest night of the entire year (Thursday). I don’t know why, but whenever we venture to Kabd, we bring dust storms. We, as in The Romanian, Sheikha Minor, and I. My brigadier buddy who I’ve known for 27 years was supposed to show up (but didn’t) and he was the main reason I was going. He makes me laugh, but now that he’s a brigadier, he is too important to hang with me anymore.

No worries. There was a DAMN good looking guy (Ajmi Part Deux) there and The Romanian thought that she knew him from somewhere – like maybe he was from her x-husband’s family, so she sobered up immediately and started acting quite unlike herself (well-behaved). I ended up in an Absolute™ conversation with him – for some strange reason compelled to read his palm and tell him (accurately) about his life; obviously freaking him out – tee hee. A short time later, he and the Romanian were hugging and smiling (we share… NOT). Turns out, he spends almost all his summers in Romania and they had spent a lot of time (and her birthdays) together. Sometimes it is hard to remember people when you’re sobered up (or drunk) and they are wearing (their clothes) a qutara and aghal. Have you noticed that?

Anyhoooooo, it was a great night (even with the arrival of the ho’s) and we ended up eating GOOD machboos at 3 am.

The chalet where the Beautiful Dog (“Spike”) lives burnt down while we were up in Kabd (luckily – because the majority of our group is usually at that chalet, but Sheikha Minor had a fight with the boyfriend). Sheikha Minor thought it was a joke when she started getting SMSs from her boyfriend et al. that it was on fire. Spike is fine and should have been moved by now to another home. The fire department (MATAAAAAAFEEEEE) said that it was an electrical short circuit. One of the guys there immediately blamed it on his girlfriend/x-girlfriend/girlfriend. Why is it that the girlfriend always gets blamed????

Friday night, Sheikha Minor invited The Romanian, Sheikha Major, and I to another gaada (gee, might as well stay drunk all weekend, WTF) with some high-ranking police guys (don’t ask/don’t tell – and I don’t even know, so don’t bother). Apparently, highest-ranking police guy wasn’t aware that Sheikha Major was a major sheikha as he sat next to her trying to force her to kiss him whilst grabbing her butt…. Officer #3 (who I think was put in place basically to baby sit the other 2) literally flung him out of the room and he left without a word. AMF! It would have been hilarious, only we were all so PO’ed that he would think that he could get away with it. Ok, ok, it was hilarious later! I told Sh. Major that her ass is irresistible (apparently) to men… LOL. The other police dude seemed fascinated that I could make so many animal noises (stop thinking dirty! Every time he would look at me, I would make a different animal noise – we were drinking and I do a really cute goat!!!!). Anyways, now he is calling me (through Sheikha Minor) and expecting me to do the same, only sober. I hate it when I become the entertainment. Which gee, unsurprisingly, turns out to be quite often.

Speaking of being the entertainment… Saturday, a dude followed The Romanian and I all over Kuwait. I finally pulled over (after like 20 miles) to take his number (honestly – just so he would stop following us) and amazingly, he had a totally sexy voice and a face to match, so I ended up calling him; and then he called me like a whole lot of times. In yet another odd occurrence, it turned out that I know him. I met him a few years ago at a party (where I had some of the best saj I’ve ever had). Yes, I remember both him AND the saj. I still can’t remember whose house it was or who I went with. He gave me his number that night, but I only ended up calling him once and that was it. I think I met The Man shortly after that and I never spoke to him again. Dude trains police dogs (yes, there is a theme in my life: Dogs and policemen; and sometimes both).

Where is The Man anyways? I haven’t seen him in a long time. The Romanian thinks that he has turned mutawaa. Ok, if that is the truth, when/if I do see him, I am going to laugh until I pee. (Psychic Bedu’s prediction was something big in June of this year related to The Man…. ) Dude – where are you hanging out these days? Rigae? The Ramada? Someplace with cheaper sheesha and stikanas? Did you get a “fun” apartment with Bu Zega and the Other Bu Zega? What up?

Hooters

(I have no explanation for the title - only that I didn't have one and "hooters" is always an attention grabber.... well hey - it could be a double entendre for funny/"a hoot". Get it?)

We decided check out Semi-Famous-Dude (SFD) et al. He is amazingly funny and head-over-heels with The Romanian (which is a good thing because he is only buddy material and will never get out of The Friend Zone). We went to their entertainment estate (God, I crack myself up)…. Ok, we went to their party dive and had a few drinks and a lot of laughs. The next night, we went to their camp – which was equally funny, but for other reasons. SFD decided to put the moves on The Romanian and it was not reciprocated. SFD also tried to hook me up with his rotund/ugly friend (who was really nice and quite a gentleman, but I just couldn’t look at him). NOT a good idea to try to find me a man. Me doesn’t like. SFD showed us some pictures of himself (on his laptop) with famous people, or interviewing famous people. Ooooh aaaah, I’m impressed (yawn). None of them were with Britany (it’s Britany, bitch!). Anyhoo, we ate some shawwi, drank The National Drink of Kuwait and went home.

We took Desert Dawg to the coiffeur. She got a manicure/pedicure, haircut and seshwar. Her do costs more than mine at 18 kd (ok, hers would be more if she had highlights, but I won’t go that far). The usual guy who comes to my home to clip her is out of the country, so we had to drive all the way down to IVH to have her done. We had some time to kill, so we met up with a friend at Kempinski for coffee (OMG he’s yummy – more on him later, so I won’t jinx it. He’s another one of my “cousins”.); and then we went down to the chalet where Spike lives to bring him some more food, bones, and tennis balls. He’s doing good.

Slapperella has been too busy for her girlfriends lately, so we haven’t seen much of her. I miss her.

I met another guy (so many all of a sudden!) who looks just like The Man. The resemblance is uncanny – even down to the same clothes/glasses/watch; only the personality is way off (which is really a shame because if the guy just would have kept his mouth shut, I could have pretended….heavy sigh…). I even met him on his birthday and I met The Man on his birthday (the Universe is phucking with me again!). I went out with him (let’s call him Fisherdude) once and that was enough. A) he wanted to meet me at Khiran resort – AS IF I would drive all the way down there! B) he stood me up for our 2nd “date” when we were supposed to go to dinner at the Hilton (methinks it is because I told him to come pick me up). Anyways, Fisherdude is 43 years old; supposedly divorced, and seemingly mature. Alas, I think that he wants one of those “secret” relationships that I will never get into. He managed – in the 3 days that I knew him – to invite himself to my apartment a total of 5 times. I finally said something like (real breathy-like), “Sure, but ladies first (long pause)… why don’t you invite me to your place first?” He said, “What do you mean? I live with my family. You know Kuwait society.” I said, “Yes, I do. And because I do know Kuwait society, I know that it is not appropriate for a man I just met to be inviting himself to my home.” These guys think blondes/foreigners are retarded (don’t even start with the blonde jokes!). So, he got the big CLICK. As we say where I come from, “AMF” (adios mother f…ker).

A similar thing happened to The Romanian just recently. Dude actually came out and told her that he wanted a “secret relationship” with her. She said, “Sure” and hung up on him. Retards. Grow some balls! If you are afraid to do something; don’t do it! Ya ma owwed - don't waste my time.

And in other news…

My mommy is coming to visit me in April (for my birthday – isn’t that sweet?), so I have been busy changing things at home, so she won’t think that I live like a derelict. My moms hasn’t been here since 2000. She is the only one in my family who will come to visit me. My sister says that this area scares her too much, but I think it is really just because she’s too busy and the trip is too long. Anyhoo, I think my mom is really going to be shocked at how much Kuwait has changed since she’s been here. I can’t wait for her to get here.

Damn – I’m shocked at how much Kuwait has changed and I’ve been here all this time. It is getting to be like Dubai used to be around here. I had Emirati friends who went away to school for a few years and then went back to Dubai and couldn’t find their way around. I feel like that driving down 5th ring road now! Oh, and Bidaa roundabout – holy cow; it’s gone! Who knew? I just drove over it yesterday.

This year is so exciting already….

What are you - famous or something?

So, last night, I was with The Romanian at Souq Kuwait; trying in vain to find a replacement Raymond Weil watch for the 11 year old mother-of-pearl oval faced one that is now turning green with wear. I have a lot of watches, but I love my RW. So, I have looked all over Kuwait and on the internet for The Perfect One, and I opted to buy another style that I saw in Souq Kuwait while on my Great Hunt last week (taking me to Souq Kuwait, Salhiya, Muthanna, Kuwait Magic, Souq Sharq, and Kout).

First of all, I HATE the Souq Kuwait parking lot. Who built it? I don’t get it. It has the weirdest design ever and gives me the heebie jeebies – either on the way up or the way down; doesn’t matter. I’m afraid of several things: that I am going to hit the wall on the tight turns; that it is going to collapse one day, dropping cars onto the ground 2 storys below; or that while cars are in line to pay, one car will suddenly lose its brakes and plow into all the other cars. These are, of course, yet more of my unreasonable fears.

Second of all, I HATE the elevators at Souk Kuwait. I know this is one of the very oldest malls in all of Kuwait (if not THE oldest mall), but they could probably do maintenance on the elevators to make them go just a leeetle bit faster. We always end up waiting; and, as everyone knows, people in Kuwait aren’t exactly patient; so they end up pushing us out of the way (unless I’m in an aggressive mood and that is just bad for everyone).

What I do like about Souq Kuwait is that it still has the “flavor of Kuwait”. You can find a lot of the old stuff that you can’t find anywhere else in Kuwait. I like the sweet shops where they have darabeel and the little cardamom cookies. I like the walkways outside toward Mubarakia and all the little alleys. I don’t even care anymore that everyone is staring at my ass. It’s all part of the ambiance. Plus, I hardly ever see any ajaneb (like me) there - which makes me very happy.

Ok, so the point of my post wasn’t going to be so much about Souq Kuwait, as it was what happened when we left Souq Kuwait: There were 2 very handsome guys waiting for the elevator with us. Having Master Psychic Abilities, I am always able to determine which elevator will come first, so The Romanian and I got on first. A lot of Babus piled in after us, but there was still room for Cute Guys, so I smiled and motioned with my eyes (doing the head tilt) that there was room. They laughed. We laughed. They got out on a different floor.

If it is destiny, Dude will follow you.

So we left. Cute Guys were waiting for us on the street. Driver Dude comes over to talk to me and said, “Did you recognize me? Do you know who I am?” Poop – there went the moment. I HATE it when SUPPOSEDLY famous people do that. I am forever meeting actors or singers that I am supposed to know…. But don’t. I don’t know this guy, but supposedly, he is someone famous – a singer or something. Whatever. Do I care? He was funny and did make us laugh and that was really good enough. If I talk to him more, he will probably screw up the memory (if you know what I mean).

I went out with a guy from TV one time. I didn’t know/didn’t care who he was. Then, my girlfriend told me. I talked to his friend and said, ‘Is he the same guy from TV?’ and he was like, “No please! Don’t tell him you know who he is. He wants someone to like him just for him.” What the fuuuuuuuuu? I don’t know and I don’t care. If dude is a good dude and not a bad dude, then I will like him. If he is stupid, then I won’t. Anyhooo, he bought me flowers and we went out to a romantic dinner and we have been good friends ever since. He is sweet and funny and smart.

On the subject of famous people: I have my own name; I don’t need to sponge off of yours.

Which, by the by, sums up my opinion about designer labels: I don’t need to wear someone else’s name on my ass. I have my own name and I choose not to put it on my ass – or anywhere near my ass. What is all the insecurity about designer this and designer that? I’m a secure person. Don’t need it. (How many times have I said "ass" in this post? Is that insecure?)

However, if I find something cute (famous brand or not) that I like (and this goes for men too), I want it.

Well, (supposedly) Famous Guy is cute and I might give him a try just because he seems smart and had the ability to make me laugh. George Clooney does the same thing for me; and I wouldn’t care if he was a garbage collector. Tee hee.

Beautiful Dog Update

A very kind (and brave) PAWS volunteer went down to take a look at the dog. The dog's name is "Spike" which is totally unbefitting of his personality. Anyhoo the Angel with PAWS (AP) said that he thinks that Spike is okay, but should be checked on regularly to make sure he's eating enough and being taken care of.

AP pointed out that sometimes it is difficult to determine if a dog is being abused; or if it is just that one person's standards/perceptions of what is wrong is another person's perception of okay. When I was in the mountains last month in the States, for example, I saw dogs being kept on chains outside in the snow. They had food and shelter, but I would never treat a dog that way. So, how do you draw the line?

I was worried about Spike because he was so thin and didn't have food. I'll make sure he gets food from now on -- and some treats and maybe bones once in a while too. He's a great dog.

A big THANK YOU for those who offered to help pay for his release; and for those who offered support and compassion.

A special thanks to The Angel with PAWS for being such an amazing example of what more humans should strive to be. God holds a special place in Heaven for people like you, my friend.

Beautiful Dog

There is a story someone/sometime relayed to me in the Quran about an old woman and a cat. The old woman has been pious and devout her whole life; praying and doing the right thing as per Islamic teachings. At some point, she has a pet cat which she kept in a cage and complacently does not feed. The cat slowly and torturously starves to death. On the woman’s judgment day, she is sent to Hell and asks why. She is told that regardless of how much she prayed, she didn’t show compassion and tortured an animal.

I recently went to a friend-of-a-friend’s chalet in Julaiaa. We got there early on one of the coldest nights I can remember in Kuwait, and there was a dog barking from the corner of the yard in a Kirby shed. It wasn’t a warning bark; it was more of a “Hey, I’m here and I’m lonely” distress bark. (As a fluent Dog speaker, I can differentiate between barks. If you’ve ever owned a dog, you’ll understand.) I went over and saw a magnificent German Shepherd – possibly just under a year old. He was in his pen all alone with only a dirt floor and no bedding. He immediately put his head to the side of the chain-link fence “window” so that I could pet him. I noted that there was drinking water in the pen, but no food.

The owner’s brother told me that the dog (he doesn't even know his name) had been left there for several weeks and he wasn’t sure when he had been fed. I asked him and if I could buy him (with the intention of re-homing him to a better environment). He has such an amazing personality and would easily find love with someone who really cares. The owner asked for an exorbitant amount for him; 500 kd, saying that he had bought the dog for 1,000; which I seriously doubt since they can’t afford to feed him.

I went back the following week and brought several blankets and bags of food for the dog. The owners had given him the equivalent of two drumsticks of chicken (I made them de-bone them because they didn't know any better) and pita bread. When they opened the gate to the pen, he ran out and tried to find food where they kept the garbage. I pet him and he was very thin.

I told the guy that whenever his mother tells him to go pray, he should think of that starving dog in the shed. What has happened to people’s compassion? Obviously, religion was created to teach the right way. Why do people claim religion if they are going to be cruel?

These people who supposedly “love dogs” and are “open minded” sure don’t get it, do they?

I’m good for 200 kd. If anyone wants to donate money to help me get this dog out of a miserable situation, please send me an e-mail at amerab@gmail.com.

Camel Meat at Lulu Hypermarket

Yes people - they have it. I'm making machboos camel for my friends this week. Bedouin Bunny says, "Why the hell would anyone want to eat camel meat? It's so tuff." (He doesn't like dhub or gerbil shawwi either!) Ok, like I said, I will try anything - once. I'll let y'alls know how it comes out.

$3.65/lb

Tagine Moroccan Restaurant (at The Palms Hotel) Review

Have you ever noticed that you will never see a negative restaurant review in the local media? Why do you think that is? Are periodicals afraid that they will lose their advertising from these restaurants? Is it because they are afraid of lawsuits - which are actually only based on opinion stories? There is also no integrity when it comes to restaurant reviews in print media in Kuwait: The magazines/papers actually want the restaurants to know that the reporters are coming in advance (unlike in Europe and the US), so that they bring out their best (ergo the positive restaurant reviews). It is already biassed. How 'bout some honesty? I guess it is all up to bloggers.

I went with three friends to the new Tagine Restaurant in The Palms Hotel that has been advertised all over Kuwait. It has been fully booked, so I made reservations way in advance. We arrived early by Kuwait standards at 7:30, so the restaurant was relatively empty.


Perhaps because it was empty, we were treated to “the show”. There was a very nice, very pretty, very giggly hostess who seemed to be bored out of her mind. She was literally leaned over, with her upper body resting against the top of the host podium, with her eyes closed. This was in between personal calls to her boyfriend (in Arabic – which she probably didn’t think we could understand), “Where are you? At the diwaniya? I hear a woman’s voice! Is there a woman with you?” When she wasn’t busy with those two things, she was intent on listening to our conversation: We were going to ask her to join us at the table at one point after her endless staring. When male customers walked into the restaurant, she was very flirty, and giggly; several times running to find a waiter/colleague, so that she could relay what the men had said to her. Our conclusion was that she is young, inexperienced, and probably new to Kuwait judging by her enthusiasm at dealing with the male Kuwaiti population. (I was with Slapperella, The Romanian, and Ms. T; we are all pretty jaded when it comes to that, so we can easily spot a newbie.) Giggly Hostess was almost argumentative with the female patrons trying to get tables (but at least she got off the personal calls long enough to address them). If you want to get spanked over not making a reservation, Tagine is the place to be this week!


Since it is still in “soft opening” mode, Tagine only has a limited amount of menus (it actually costs more to print fewer copies, so WTF). We asked 4 times to see a menu after we were seated. Giggly Hostess was apologetic, but not much help. We shared a single menu for a long time before other patrons were finished looking at theirs and the menus were passed along to us.
They finally brought out salads (which come with all the meals), but they were served in very small dishes – not really enough for a party of 4. We ordered a seafood bastilla for an appetizer; very dry and disappointing; approximately 5” in diameter. The tagines come in 3 sizes of small, medium, and large. We ordered a large Tagine Marrakesh (lamb shanks with Moroccan spices) for 3 of us; Ms. T ordered a “Spring Chicken”. When the lamb arrived, it was not served in a tagine, but in a 15” tall clay water pot, brought out with a sheet of aluminum foil covering the opening (fancy!). The waiter had difficulty serving it and when we wanted more, we had to stand up at the table to reach the bottom. The lamb was a major disappointment; 2/3 fat to 1/3 actual meat. It was relatively bland even for Moroccan standards. The vegetable cous cous wasn’t anything exceptional either. The Spring Chicken was well past its prime and should probably have been called “December Chicken”; very dry and not very flavorful. We spent KD 54 on dinner for four and all agreed that neighborhood Indian take-out would have been better.

Our waiter wasn’t much better than the hostess. He departed the table when we were in mid-sentence speaking to him - several times. It became amusing after some time.

The décor is probably the best thing about the restaurant: gorgeous; typically Moroccan. The serving dishes were equally pretty in a blue and white design with matching table linens. Even Giggly Hostess wore a beautiful Moroccan kaftan (duraa) in blue and white. The restaurant also has an outstanding oud player with a wonderful voice, adding to the ambiance.

Tagine will definitely be a romantic dining experience -- if they can ever get their act together and perhaps take a stronger look at staff training, menu ingredients, and pricing: I would give it another six months. Don’t waste your money on the soft opening. It is a pity because the owners have obviously gone to a lot of trouble to create a beautiful atmosphere.

NOTE TO Tagine Restaurant Management: You might want to actually have COMMENTS CARDS available for a soft opening. It would have been helpful.

Just a Picture of Salmiya, but....

I found this picture on expatserviceskuwait.com.

Why is it that this entire parking structure (large beige building) isn't being used/hasn't been used for the past 8+ years? This is in the middle of the overcrowded Salmiya shopping district. If someone, for example, offered valet parking in the old Souq Salmiya and then parked cars in this lot, someone would be making a shitload of money. Lazyass women like myself (and Slapperella) would use the valets instead of driving around looking for parking - especially during Eid. Or - they (whoever "they" are) could lease out the structure - perhaps to car dealerships or companies with fleet vehicles in the area (like Mediabox who has chosen to park all their small vans right around the corner on the street). 8 +/- years is a long time NOT to be collecting revenues. If this was in the US, somebody would be turning the car park into condos and making a killing.

I have heard that the entire Al-Salam complex (round green building) is for sale - to the tune of something like 36 million KD. Cha-ching.

Also wondering why the slums (bottom left corner of the photo) haven't been torn down? Drive by there sometime and see how humans are living in really horrible conditions. This place is in one of the most visible shopping areas in Kuwait surrounded by pretty new apartment buildings. WTF? The only good thing about the slums is that they are still home to some of the few remaining trees in the area (giving rest to the few remaining birds in the area....).

My feet are cold...

This isn't a post card. It is my uncle's back yard a few weeks ago. They have had so much snow and heating oil is so expensive that most of the people there in New Hampshire are heating their homes with wood. Having spent part of my youth in a house with 2 wood burning stoves and a fireplace, let me just tell you that its not fun. Ask me why I hate snow.... I hated running out to the back yard to bring wood in while there was 3 feet of snow on the ground.

It has been so cold here for the past few nights that I have grabbed Desert Dawg and retreated into my bedroom to snuggle up with my new fuzzy robe and matching socks to sleep through it. Yeah - perfect snuggling weather... with my DOG. How pathetic is that?

My bitchy girlfriends are all snuggled up with their "latest victims" (while I'm in bed with my dog). I can't even get them to go out for sushi. It sucks. I need new friends.

That's it! I'm putting on my Lucky Push-up Bra and going out in the cold alone.

Several weeks and 2,000 bottles of red wine later….

I didn’t know there could be so many red grapes in Chile. I think I drank all of them. One or two may have escaped, but I don’t think so. Cabernet doesn’t stand a chance when I’m in the room. But, I drink responsibly, so therefore I was never falling-down drunk; just walking with a happy buzz. Because da girlfriendz weren’t around, I didn’t drink tequila or French martinis.

I have some catching up to do, don’t I? Otay Buckwheat….

We had a nice Christmas and New Years. I don’t know why I’m so retarded that I can’t get around to visiting with or calling my friends while I’m there. It is like I get into some kind of weird trance. There is something about the house… Anyhooo…. We went to the resort, but there was no snow. The weather there is pretty much the way it is here; same temp and sunny. I had a new spa treatment; a mud wrap. People, this is one time when you can find out if you are claustrophobic or not; apparently, I am. I just reached the “get me the phuck out of this” break-point when it was time to wash it all off – thankfully. I like trying new things, but I don’t think I’ll do that one again. I’ll stick to the hot stone massages.

I went to a party for New Years Eve and had a good time. I saw a few drunk Moroccan guys who made me giggle. I laughed a lot, but ended up nostalgically wishing that The Man would have lasted long enough to go with me to those kinds of events on holidays because I think he would have liked it. Anyhoo, ancient history now, but somehow I can’t stop myself from thinking about him on holidays and when I travel. Truly pathetic and Bridget-Jones-esque. My sister asked me how he was and seemed really surprised that we haven’t spoken since March.

I miss my mommy. I don’t know if I can move back to the States or not again, but I sure wish I was closer to her. I’m so torn.

United was much nicer to me on this trip than the last. It was a nice experience and I have to send their rep a thank you note. Good save, United.

One of my bags was opened by the Transportation Safety Authority (TSA). It didn’t occur to me that the computer component and the box of several jars of honey (for one of my ungrateful colleagues) might set off some bells. Had I also had an alarm clock and any form of cables or wires in there, I’m pretty sure my ass would have been carted off to jail. The TSA is pretty cool, though because I couldn’t even tell that they had been in my suitcase. Sorry for the underwear, guys, but you chose to go in…. (so to speak…)

Segue

Bunny didn’t receive nationality while I was away, but one of my other friends did and I’m very happy for him. I hope that Bunny will get it on the next go-around. He deserves it. He has been working so hard. So, if you wouldn’t mind please saying a prayer for him, I would really appreciate it. I am a believer in the power of group prayer.

I’ve had Parade of Workers through my apartment now for the past 2 months. I’m almost at the end of it though and maybe I can get some rest. Everything that could possibly have gone wrong electrically did. I finally found a few guys who know what they are doing. One of them even wore gloves and turned off the main switch before working on stuff. Imagine that! In Kuwait! My hariss (who I love dearly) once grabbed a live wire and the electricity shot out his eyes. He is jet black, so the skin around his eyes was white and he looked like a raccoon turned inside-out. I laugh about it with him now. Sometimes he oversees the workers in my apartment doing the electricity and then I sneak up behind him and make a “bbbbzzzzzzzz” sound like electric noise and he jumps. Funny as shit.

I went to Starfucks at Bidaa yesterday with Slaperella and there were a bunch of motorcycle guys there; very funny group. I saw one bike that I thought belonged to The Don, but it turned out to be somebody named Fawaz who was a really nice (but very shy) guy. He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride and my mind immediately went dirty. (I can’t HELP it – there is something wrong with me. It is a birth defect, ok? Where is the pity?)

Oh, on misconstrued dirtyness…. I have a question for youse guys (poll question): If a man asks you to go into the bedroom for a massage, does it mean he really wants to give you a massage or does it mean that he wants to have sex? I think the latter, right? What do you think? No, the guy in question is not a certified masseuse either.

Happy Place.... Go to the Happy Place....

I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had a whole lot of time to blog – which I can’t really determine is a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve had to work on prequalification tenders (with people who are unwilling to provide me with information), our annual report, and at the same time, dealing with the Chinese. It is all very confusing – oh, and that is just in my business life.

Personal life has taken equally as confusing turns of late. I’ve been meeting men left and right (again – good thing or bad thing?). Colonel Boring is most definitely out of the picture. He was a boring PERV and I had to deal with that and get rid of him. Ick. I don’t know what the deal is with the men in uniform again, but I’ve met policemen lately in droves – and they’re all higher-ranking officers. As Bunny says, “Never date below a Major.” Tee hee. I love him. The Romanian says, “Never date below a Range Rover,” which is equally as funny. Anyhoo, I’ve met some really really nice people lately and I’m grateful for that. There is one guy in particular that I like a lot; we’ll have to see what happens before I jinx myself or someone gives me the evil eye. He's just dreamy....

I feel really bad about something that happened on Friday night. I was driving on the Gulf Road (is that the proper name?) in Salwa almost at Messila Hotel in the left lane and there was a cat that had been hit by a car. I was in heavy traffic and very late to meet our company’s CEO and wife for dinner. I couldn’t safely stop. (These are all excuses.) The cat looked up at me with “help me” eyes. Slapperella was with me and not being a big cat lover, I don’t think she wanted me to go back to try to get it. Anyways, I continued on; and ever since, have been haunted by those eyes. I feel so bad even thinking about it, I am getting teary-eyed. I drove back the next morning and there was no sign of it, so I hope that someone else stopped to pick it up somehow. I don’t even like cats, but I always try to help any living creature, so I now feel awful. I have tried to make up for it by cooking chicken to feed to the neighborhood strays. There were about 400 of them (I exaggerate) around the chicken when I looked back. Then, I started to wonder if I had done something equally as bad by feeding whole cooked chickens to cats: would they choke on the bones and die in some horrific manner? I have such a guilty conscience.

I met with a rep from United. He is a really nice guy and says that he is going to try to make me feel better about being punched by a passenger on one of their flights (yes, you read it right): She punched me after I moved her bags from under my feet and then must have accused me of being a racist (to the best of my knowledge because I can’t figure out what happened) ; no one did anything. She said, "How would you feel if a black woman touched your bag?" Um, I probably wouldn't want her feet on it, so I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't care if the person was green or blue either. The worst thing was that the United staff did nothing to help me – even when I told them I was in pain. As it turns out, we made the local news in Washington, DC that night because they called security, TSA’s, United ground staff, and the local police. I was so traumatized by all this that I don’t even want to get further into it. The Kuwait side United staff is trying to make it better; I have heard nothing at all from United state-side. It may just take time.

I don’t know if I want to get into the concept of racial issues in the States vs. what we have in Kuwait. It is all so weird. Ok, we do have other issues in Kuwait (other than black and white), but still . . . Why can’t we all just get along?

Go to your happy place, Desert Girl.

Ok, I’ll go there in a minute, but not before mentioning other weirdness that happened this weekend. Why does this kind of shit happen to ME?: I was peacefully asleep at 8am on Friday morning, when I got a call from an Iraq number. It went to voice mail. 10 minutes later, the same number called again (waking up Desert Dawg also), so I picked it up. It was an American guy who I knew from (that logistics company I used to work for). He got fired from there; I helped him get his next job at KGL; where he also got fired. I helped him get a job with a Kuwaiti friend’s logistics company; where he had a dispute with my friend and moved on. I helped him with several consulting jobs also before he moved up to Iraq. This all happened within a period of 4 years. So, Dude calls me and says, “WHAT did you send to my wife? She’s ready to divorce me! You sent her something that said we were having an affair? How could you be so cruel before Christmas?” Holy shit – what did I do? I shook off the sleep and said, “Dude, we have a business relationship. I sent out 200 Christmas and Eid cards this year saying exactly the same thing, ‘Best wishes to you and your family for a Merry Christmas (or Eid or Hanukah or Kwanza), (Desert Girl).” Pretty straight-forward, no? {sidebar: Why doesn’t MS spell check recognize “Eid” and it does recognize “Hanukah”? Is it a conspiracy?} He said, “My wife thinks we are having an affair. There was some girl’s name on the card!” WTF? Is it just me or is someone’s imagination running away with them? I said, ‘Dude, my name is (Desert Girl). That is the way I sign my correspondence. Your marital problems are none of my business. You definitely won’t be receiving another Christmas card from me. Why don’t you have her scan the card and e-mail it to you so you can see exactly what I wrote? Further, if I were a male business associate, would you be calling me up accusing me of something?’ I went on to tell him that he was a sexist pig and that if he ever contacted me again for anything, I would consider it a form of harassment. Weird, cause I met his wife. Maybe she thinks I’m hot and she’s insecure (?) Dunno.

‘Best wishes to you and your family for a Merry Christmas (or Eid or Hanuka or Kwanza), (Desert Girl) can be translated (apparently) to: Dude, I want to rip your clothes off and make wild passionate love to you. I so enjoy our affair because I love tall, skinny, long-toothed, red-haired white guys with no redeeming personality traits. Yeah, that’s right.

Why are people so phucking stupid? I still don’t get it.

Happy place, happy place, happy place. I ate a mountain of chocolate this weekend (its ok because it is close to Christmas when calories don't count). Yum. Oh, and some sushi. And I flirted with handsome sexy men. And I am going on vacation in a few days…. Ooooooh saaaaaaah…..

Take Control of Eggs!

That sounds vaguely dirty, doesn't it? Me likes.

“Ministry Official Calls for More Control of Egg Market…”

I love eggs and now that they have a lot of controversy over egg prices in Kuwait, I feel that this would be an appropriate time to discuss them. I mean, WTF – forget the corruption and human rights issues that should be big news (but often isn’t), let’s talk about eggs in Kuwait!

The Undersecretary of the Commerce and Industry Ministry (who I’ve met and is actually an articulate and very nice guy), stated that authorities would not stand idle from now on and watch the price of eggs continue to rise and get out of hand. YEAH BAYBEEE! You go, boy! He’s my new eggstraspecial egg hero.

First of all, why tha phuck don’t they have big eggs in Kuwait? Who wants to pay big money for little eggs? I’m not a small egg kind of girl. Why are all of them small and nasty? In the USofHey we have bigass eggs; the kind with TWO yokes in them.

I am one of those people who likes my eggs cooked “sunny side up” with the yokes left relatively uncooked. I know, salmonella fans, it is probably not a healthy choice, but it is my preference. (Just like my unhealthy preference of “bad boys” over boring.) Anyhoo, I can never eat a sunny-side-up egg without toast underneath to sop up the yoke. Yummy; Getting hungry just thinking about it. Therefore, the idea of double yokes is quite appealing to me.

So, it brings me back to my question of why Kuwait has small, smelly eggs? Why can’t we get some big chickens over here? Why can’t we get companies to properly wash eggs so they don’t shtank when you get them? I don't mind paying more for eggs if they are good ones.

I have eggzactly 1 week left before I fly to Virginia and I can have a choice of eggs. I'm on short-timers so everything is sounding funny to me right now.

December 6, 2007

Happy Birthday, Shamlan.

It has been 10 years since you passed away and there is still not a time when I don't think of you. I see you in that place between asleep and awake. You hold my hand and laugh with me and I know that we will see each other again on the other side.

Ten years have passed and it seems like yesterday. Love always goes on.

I miss you.

On the Subject of Kisses

Ironically, CNN online today posts an article about kissing. This follows an encounter I had last night with "Smash Mouth": a very tall, very gorgeous guy who attempted to kiss me by imposing my head in a death-grip and smashing his closed mouth against mine, rubbing back and forth. Ew and ouch. Needless to say, Smashmouth will never make it out of The Friend Zone. End of story.

I agree with CNN that the best relationships I've ever had were with guys who were really great kissers. Even if they needed work in other areas, if they could kiss, we were compatible.

The Man was a great kisser. I miss those kind of kisses; the kind that wrap around you and make you feel like you're floating off somewhere. ..... I digress.....

CNN Say:

(LifeWire) -- Bad kissers -- we've all locked lips with one: the lizard, the washing machine, the cannibal, the spelunker.

"I knew this girl that I'll call Big Tongue," recalls Craig Hinkle, 38, a Westminster, California-based network administrator. "Her tongue was massive, and she insisted on trying to put the entire thing in my mouth. She was very forceful with it, and I started choking."

You can guess that relationship didn't last. And now, what Hinkle knows from experience is actually backed up by science: Bad kissers have little chance of getting to second base.
In a study published recently in the scientific journal "Evolutionary Psychology," 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they've been in the position of being attracted to someone -- until they kissed the person.

"At the moment of the kiss, there's a very complicated exchange of information ... that may tap into underlying evolved mechanisms" cluing us in on whether we're genetically compatible, explains Gordon Gallup, co-author of the study and professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Albany. "A kiss can be a deal-breaker in terms of whether a relationship will flower or flounder, so to speak."

Rachel Myeroff, 26, can attest to that. On a second date with a guy, says the New York City-based sales manager, "he just went in for it and attached himself to me in the sloppiest, most horrible kiss ever. He was just consuming my mouth. I most definitely did not call him again."

Gallup's research suggests that men and women have different agendas when it comes to kissing, an act that occurs in 95 percent of human societies and is believed to have been first recorded in Vedic Sanskrit texts around 1500 B.C. in India.

For men, kissing is more often used as a means to an end -- namely, to gain sexual access. Men also are more likely to literally kiss and make up, using kissing to attempt reconciliation.

Women on the other hand use kissing as a mate-assessment technique, Gallup notes. They subconsciously evaluate mating potential from the chemicals in their partner's saliva and breath, for instance.

Women also use kissing as a bonding gesture, as well as to monitor the status of the relationship. If her partner's kissing frequency or technique suddenly changes, that perhaps is a sign of his waning interest.

Other gender differences uncovered by Gallup's research:

• Men show a greater preference for tongue contact and open-mouth kisses.
• Men are more willing than women to have sex with someone without kissing, as well as to have sex with someone they are not attracted to or consider to be a bad kisser.
• Women place more importance on kissing throughout a relationship, whereas men place less importance on it as the relationship progresses.

Improve your kiss

If you've ever been told to kiss off after smooching someone beneath the holiday mistletoe, fear not. Like other skills, one's kissing technique can be improved upon. Michael Christian, author of "The Art of Kissing" (under the pen name William Cane), offers classes, and there's a myriad of how-to books and DVDs.

To improve your technique, Christian suggests switching up your repertoire with different types of kisses:

• Vacuum kiss, in which you suck the air out of your partner's mouth while kissing
• Neck kiss, in which you kiss up and down your partner's neck
• "Lip-o-suction," in which you kiss the upper lip while your partner kisses the lower lip, and then you reverse.

Bad kisses, on the other hand, are relatively easy to pinpoint. "Bad kisses trigger the gag reflex," Christian says. "Bad kisses are also static and repetitious. Varying the speed, intensity and style can help."

Spontaneity also can help you get out of a slump.
"The best kisses are always the ones that happen accidentally," observes New York City resident Benjamin Kayne, 25, a digital media sales director. "(Planned kisses) are just tedious, and I'm sitting there thinking, 'Is this over yet? The commercial is over and I'm missing "CSI".' "

UNTIED.COM

You read it right, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently, there is a whole parody site to United.com listing customer complaints and United Airlines customer service and industry statistics.

"Read all about problems with United: Untied Airlines - Problems with United Airlines. A story in USA Today notes that UAL had the industry's highest rate of passenger complaints to the DOT for all of 2006: 1.36 complaints for every 100,000"

"Friendly Skies" (NOT), Rants and Raves

Generally, I love United direct flights into Washington because they are so convenient for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t had good luck on them and last night (full moon), it was the worst. I guess (optimistically) that everything happens for a reason. But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

UA982 was even worse than the time I flew the now-defunct Air Florida into Orlando and it hit (what they called) an air pocket and dropped out of the sky for a while (several thousand feet). I don’t want to go into specifics about what happened on the United flight last night - because I am still trying to get my head around it and what I might do about it, but it was very very bad.

Most United direct flights are full of overweight American contractors. I always seem to get seated next to the largest. There was only one Kuwaiti family on the flight out and I didn’t see any Kuwaitis at all on the return flight (a Lebanese couple and several guys who I think were Iraqi interpreters.)

Stupid comments I overhead before/on/after the flight last night:

“I don’t want to change my dollars for 20 dinars. I won’t be in Kuwait that long to use it all.” What? You’re not going to have dinner or take a taxi?

“I don’t know how Kuwait is going to be for me this time as a civilian. I mean, I don’t have a security escort or anything.” (Said by a guy who was about the same size as a linebacker.) Ooooooh, scawy!

(A flight attendant when told she may have to go to Kuwait): “Kuwait! No way. Do they have to wear the veil there?” What the hell is “the veil” they keep talking about? Hejab? Niqab? What?

“I don’t want to go back.” Well, that should be simple: don’t.

“The porters cost 5 dollars.” (Said by one guy about to let Babu from KGL load his luggage onto a cart). Do I have to talk about cheapass people again? Don’t even get me started.

Ok, now that I started with my main rant, let me go on to the raves/positives of my Turkey Day trip:

Seeing my family was fantastic. I met my cousin, Sara, for the first time. She’s only 13, but stunningly beautiful and very sweet. My uncle and aunt didn’t stop talking during the entire time they were there. My uncle is OCD – even moreso than my sister. My sister was very relaxed and laid back the entire trip which was amazing because I thought she was going to blow a few times. My mother was just happy to see me. My nephew is taller than I am now and all muscle. We went to see him play a football game and my throat still hurts from shouting.

Our house looks great and the new back yard is amazing. It is going to be so nice during the summer to sit in the gazebo and drink wine and look at the pool.

I got there in time to still see some of the gorgeous foliage: the trees were gold and red and yellow – really amazingly pretty.

The weather was perfect – until it turned really cold.

I went to see the Worst Movie Ever: The Mist. NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE SPIDERS!!! I had to get up and leave the cinema for a while during that scene. I couldn’t take it. My nephew laughed at me, the cad.

Black Friday: The day after Thanksgiving; the single largest retail day of the year. Sales.

Fall shoes. Cheap shoes. Cheap leather shoes.

The most earth shattering sex with an old boyfriend. (Just kidding. Maybe not. You’ll never know….)

Oh - here is a funny story: I went all the way downtown for darabeel and some Arabic pastries. Packed them up; brought them to the States for my uncle. My sister was upstairs and noticed the smaller of the 3 dogs, Lola, pacing up and down in front of my room. My sister thought that The Ghost was in there (I travel with one, apparently) and started to freak. Then, she heard the munching: the Big Stupid Dog, Bo, had broken through the bag, and through the taped box, and chowed down on all the pastries. Dumbass. Lola was trying to rat out Bo because he's always in trouble.

Raves about being back in Kuwait:

Seeing friends in Kuwait Customs and having them be nice to me and making me feel “home”.

Having my luggage arrive with me (unlike almost all BA flights).

Seeing Slapperella and The Romanian come to greet me.

Seeing Desert Dawg.

Colonel Boring who successfully managed (with some muckity-muck friend) to have the construction water pump removed from under my window. PEACE all night long. (It is so strange, but in the course of less than a week, they removed the pump AND filled in the Big Hole. I don’t know what they’re up to….)

My bidet.

My maid who takes such great care of me.

People at work who said how much they missed me and how the place isn’t the same without me (no, I am not in a capacity to help them get bonuses).

Daily morning phone-call-from-Bunny resumption.

Shawarma delivery.

The tea boy.

Go Carts and Penguins

Go Cart!!!!!! I want to play!

Sorry the picture is kinda grainy - I took it with my mobile.

I was at Misref fair grounds yesterday attending the "Building & Construction Exhibition" (why? Because I had to.) when I saw this image: 3 3000 GTs in a go cart lot. Is this for real? I didn't have time to stop and ask (didn't see anyone around either). Is it a drift course? I am SOOOOOOOO going to do this. The red one looks just like my Stealth. I hope that they're all manual transmission. Has anyone played here? What is the age limit: can kids drive? That would be F-ed up, but not unbelievable - this being Kuwait and all. None of the cars had license plates on them - except for the red one.

The exhibit was a boring bust, but I hadn't given any intellectual consideration to the amount of damn good looking mens in there with very little female competitors. Just like shopping in Home Depot except without the day laborers.

........ Something completely different.........

Kuwait: Full of Penguins? The Romanian says that Kuwait is full of “penguins”: (mostly) short, fat men. I kinda think of them as robber barons.

My question is this: if you have a male relative with a stomach this big – wouldn’t you want to advise him to lose it? How dangerous is that much weight around the stomach? Dudes heart must be working quadroople time.

Short-Timer to Thanksgiving Leave

Some recent articles from Kuwait dailies....

This is what Kuwait is coming to.....

Arab Times, November 7, 2007: Woman sells her kidney: A Kuwaiti woman, whose identity has not been disclosed, is said to have sold her kidney for KD 5,000 to a compatriot who was suffering from renal failure, reports Al-Rai daily. …Commenting on the sale of her organ, the woman said she had no option but to sell her kidney to come out of what she called financial difficulties and accumulated debts. She has also appealed to kind-hearted people to help her. - END -

WTF. I mean, obviously that's not the whole story, but is this what is happening in Kuwait now? I've heard stories of Kuwaiti women going to the Awqaf asking for financial assistance, only to be told that if the women were willing to put out, they might be "helped". This country seems to be sliding way far backwards.

The price of US Army ''confidentiality'' (link)
Leaked information sends chilling message to contractors
Ahmed Zakaria, Exclusive to The Daily Star and AlـWatan
November 8, 2007

This story is the rebuttal to the Wall Street Journal story on PWC/Agility. AAAAAWWWWWW: Poor PWC/Agility (with wings). Making those billions is so difficult.

Questions raised by someone (not me) after this story ran: Why would Guttierez feel confident to approach Abdulrahman with a bribe? Why did he feel confident to approach him about the girlfriend setup? It didn’t come out of the blue! No one EVER approached me about a bribe cause they know it won’t fly and they KNOW I will blow the whistle immediately. Why did Guttierex feel safe with Abdulrahman?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

International Herald Tribune
Daily Star – Al-Watan
November 12, 2007
‘Islamic car’ revealed
“Malaysia, Iran and Turkey plan to build an ‘Islamic car’ fitted with a compass to find the direction of Mecca, and a compartment to keep the Koran in…..”

Maybe the Vatican can do the same, revealing a Christan car. Made in Italy and sporting a Ferrari engine, the Christian-mobile comes with a rosary, holy water, and compartment to keep the Bible in.

Or perhaps a Jewish car: Israel has plans to reveal a ‘Jewish car’ The Jewish car comes complete with roof-mounted yamaka, rear-window displayed minora, and compartment to keep the Torah in.

Maybe a Budhist car: Monks have revealed plans for a ‘Buddha-buggy’. This quiet automobile comes with dashboard-alter including incense burner and room for Buddha.

Gee, what WILL they think of next?

Okay – MY LIFE…

I have a new semi-boyfriend. 'Semi' because I just can’t get my head around this. I mean, he is ok. I have known him for 10 years, but his wife was hospitalized and I didn’t want to “go there” with him. The situation has changed. Super nice guy – almost too nice: My friends think he’s “too easy” for me. Yeah, I need someone who will treat me like shit and disappear and then I’ll fall head-over-heels for him. He’s another cop. I know, I know. I don’t know what it is. Either cops, firemen, or Air Force (pilots, navigators, air traffic controller) guys. (There IS a uniform theme going here, but believe it or not, I've never seen most in uniform -- even before they get out of it. tee hee.) This one is a colonel with a lot of powah, owns companies, yada yada. We’ll see how it pans out.

I went to a party with the posse this weekend. The place was really nice, but really smoky and really loud. I always bring my marksman-approved ear plugs with me; they are THE Kuwaiti party accessory (in addition to sun glasses for the drive home). The cool thing was that they had an open bar all night and actually HAD cranberry juice as a mixer: Quite civilized.

A stupid girl walked into my path and said (in one of those sing-song, high-pitched voices), “(Desert Girl)? Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”. I’m like, ‘Sorry, I don’t remember you.’ (I should use the excuse my Kuwaiti Ho girlfriend, GD, uses “I was in a car accident and hit my head and I’m sorry, but I just don’t remember.” But she’s F-ed up, so I don’t). She said, “Ooooooooh, I used to work with you at (that horrible logistics place).” I did remember her. THEN, poser child points at her mobile, tilts her head and said, “I’ve got to get this call.” Her shit didn’t even ring! Then, turns away/dismisses me. WTF. Yo! Beanie-Barbi - YOU accosted ME....

Anyhoo, good music, good drink; the Romanian danced most of the night (yes yes, even without a brass pole). All the lesbians in the house loved it (she’s a lesbian magnet for some reason). The only weird thing (other than one of my best friends being a lesbian magnet) was that almost everybody at the party was a stick-person. There were skinny beanpole bitches everywhere (and not a one with silicone boobs). In Kuwait, no less! Well, I’ve got to say – most of them were eurotrash girls anyways. They don’t count. They smoke about a gazillion cigarettes and then eat a bean with a Perrier and call it a meal (not you, Slapperella. You can’t help it honey because of your metabolism - and its not a bad thing). My food philosophy is: Bring on the machboos, baybeee!

Actually, it was McDonalds quarter pounder (no cheese, extra onions) on the way home (first one I’ve had in 6 months, so I can afford it right?). There is nothing like a drunken McDonalds run on the way home to make everything right in your world. Anything from McDonalds tastes fantastic after 2 am. Ask me: I know.

I’m leaving this weekend to the States. I can’t wait to see my family. I SO need a reality check. I can’t wait to wear my new sweaters (that’s “jumpers” in Briddish – a term we ‘mericans only usually use in reference to people committing suicide from high places).

Desert Girl Fashion Sidenote: When is it going to get cold in Kuwait? It is the middle of frickin November already. Talk about global warming! Ya know, it is only inappropriate to wear white after it gets cold in Kuwait. Until then, white capris are allowed (but only if your ass is as big as a VW). I saw some season-jumpers in the Avenues the other day: 2 girls wearing matching knee-high patent leather boots; one in white, the other in black. Also, what is it now with Kuwaiti girls going to the salon and STRIPPING their hair in order to color it blonde? That is SO bad for your hair and it looks so cheap. It would be like if I (with my pasty-white skin) dyed my hair black (which one of my friends did to assimilate and she looked/s like a freak. Elvira!).

Damn, I’m chatty today. What’s with that?

More Virgins!

I saw this stuff and immediately bought several bars as Christmas gifts. It is just what every woman needs - Virginity Soap. (I don't know - maybe a select group of guys can use this too.) It states right on the box "tightens vaginal muscle". Go figure. I thought it might be shaped differently. Its from Thailand - "for export only" - as if they don't need more virgins there too! My gal pals have told me that you can find it in different Asian shops around Kuwait. I bought mine when I was early for a meeting at the Al Salam building at Salhiya and had to waste time/money. I'm so glad because it is fascinating. I'm looking at the ingredients listing and I can't figure out which herbs they are claiming for the "herbal soap" part. I also can't figure out which one restores your virginity: Sodium palmate, aqua, sodium palm kernelate (could be that one), glycerine (I tried that one - doesn't do it), witch hazel extract, octoxyglycerin (I can't even pronounce these), titanim dioxide, tricosan, etidronic acid (ouchies?), and fragrance. Says it has vitamin E also (not listed in ingredients list). I would love to do a review, but hey - not gonna happen. Do your own.

Dead Sexy Military Contractors Conference – Yeah Baybeeeeee

I spent most of last week at the very sexy (I lie - very boring) US military contracting conference given by the Defense Acquisition University. (And yes, they did have it all – including Fat Bastard!) The DAU isn’t an accredited institution; it is owned by the US Government and it is all about US contracting. Anyhoooo… you can see how 3 days of this might grate on your nerves (exceptin’ for it was held at the new Bidaa Movenpick with free lunches/dinners -- compliments of US tax payers). A new (as in approximately 5 months) Grand Poohbah of Camp Arifjan contracting command, LTC Kiser (say it in English or in Arabic) stated to a room full of jaded contractors, “I believe in my heart that the Cockerham case was an isolated incident.” (Direct quote from his lips to my/room-full-of-peoples ears.) followed by something very similar to, “There is no corruption in contracting at Arifjan.” Dude! WTF kinda hooey is that???? How is it possible to make that statement? The last commander of contracting at Arifjan, Col. John Alexander (a full bird, no less) stated in an American Business Council meeting full of equally-as-pessimistic military contractors, something to the effect of (and I can’t quote him verbatum, but this is what he said): I was at Arifjan for 10 days when my legal counsel came into my office and told me, “Sir, we have a problem.” The next day, I called every auditor in the US I could to get them here and check the books. What’s with the about-face? Hmmmmmmm.

Now, I don’t blame the folks giving the conference, per se. They don’t know anything about Kuwait and were flying in/flying out to complete a particular task; giving the general State-side version of contracting. However, there are several points about it that I didn’t like: 1) It should have taken place around the same time as Bechtel held their contractors meeting at the Sheraton in 2003; when no one in Kuwait knew much about how to work with the US military and everybody-and-their-brother had something to sell them. 2) It should have been tailored to the unique circumstances in Kuwait (for example – Kuwait labor practices vs. the US military’s new hype about trafficking in humans). 3) Whoever was covering invitations could have done a much better job: There was only 1/3 capacity in the room. 4) Defense Acquisition University dudes could have asked any one of the American contractors doing business in Kuwait what their problems are and how they would like to have had them addressed at the conference. But nooooooooooo, once again, the UASS Embassy has chosen to ignore the entire American business community. (We're heeeeeeeeere!) Guess they are still too busy giving parties for any other nationalities (that’s another story). I do have hope for a new and improved US embassy, however. Female Ambassador, female Commercial Counselor, Filipino-American (don't know his title) muckity-muck. Maybe they can get rid of several butt-kissing posers they have working there now who only remember who you are if they think you are important (one of whom stared so hard at my diamond ring that I thought my finger was on fire). (More stories….) Anyhoo, the US government dudes were so cold that even at the buffet line (paid for by US tax payers), they wouldn’t speak or make small talk at all; as if they were afraid of everyone. Boo!!! Dudes - TALK to people on the ground and know what’s up. Typical. The US government pays for these events, but truly doesn’t have a handle on the real situation. Furthermore, if contracting/procurement officials at Arifjan change every 18 months/2 years, how can ANYONE have a handle on the real contracting circumstances in Kuwait? That’s just wrong.

Anyways, the Chairhole sent me to the conference after we had a "disagreement" over the per diem rate (YO! I'm not Discount Girl!) I should have received on his mandated trip to Dubai (that I didn't take); and I got to be out of his face for 3 whole days. Does that make sense (said like I care)?

Now, on to stories from my mundane existence:

Thursday night, The Romanian and I went out with the Bentley Boyz (2 guys, 2007 Bentley). Posers. It is probably a rental (not that I really care). The problem with posers is that they think that all the little (and not-so-little) ajaneb (foreign) women know nothing at all. I think we freak them out (especially with the PC-uncorrect versions of Kuwaiti jokes you'd hear at the diwaniya). They invited us out on “their” yacht the next day. I asked how big the boat was (blank stare), “Uh, 3 bedrooms.” Yeah well, my friend with a 27’ Scarab has 3 bedrooms (that translates to 2 benches and another sleeping bag in the middle). Then, from the table, I called my Kuwaiti Boating Guru, Wahabi, who said that the weather would be windy. Posers are so stupid. Plus, Bentley Poser Boyz wanted to leave the marina at 4 pm to go to Kubbar. WTF??? Anyhoo, we ditched them and went looking for better trouble. Got a few Kabd invitations, but I just haven’t felt like driving up there lately.

I took The Romanian on a brief jaunt around the Movenpick (we were at Le Lounge at Bidaa with the Boyz and she hadn’t been to the hotel before). Romanian’s reaction to the Move-and-Prick was, “OMG gorgeous, but why Kuwait? I mean, if I was going to open a hotel like this… not Kuwait.” It is definitely a red-wine-sippin-in-the-lobby- lounge kind of place. Why Kuwait? I got a strange SMS from Purgy after we left, asking if we had been at the Movenpick. Incase anyone was wondering, Purgatory is a stalker. He stalks my blog and now this. He immediately knew that he would be fodder for a blog post and has probably been checking here every day since Friday morning to see if he’s included. Are you happy now?

I hate really big…

Crowds! Dirty-thinkers! I was debating whether or not to go to the Redbull Flutag thingy last Friday and I talked myself out of it because of the crowd. I’ve never been a person who likes traffic or crowds (unless it is a Chipendales convention or something). The Romanian and I talked about going, but then decided that there might be too many of the scary boy-mobs there, so we didn’t go. Mark’s blog made it look fun and retarded at the same time. Were there a lot of women there? How was the crowd?

The rest of my weekend was spent on recycled guys. I am now going through a “devil you know” phase where I know why I’ve rejected them in the past, but they are still better than some of the weird-o’s I’ve only recently met. I’m also going through a phase where I only meet puppies (the kind of young guys who follow you everywhere with wide, pathetic eyes, hoping you’ll throw them a biscuit). I’m so not impressed. Generally, I've found puppies to be (as a metaphor) similar to a Corolla driver given a Ferrari: They have gorgeous equipment, but they just don't know how to handle it. Zoom, zoom, zoom baby.

I have been a workaholic lately anyways. I don’t have much time. When I do, I would rather spend it with me girls or good friends who I know won’t try to grope/molest me at the first given opportunity (like you, Maz!). I don't know where the Jailbird (aka Psychic Bedu) is lately. While he was in jail, he was calling me and professing his undying love and telling me that he wanted to marry me and all that bullshit. Alas, it was all prison-bitch chat. Il est disparu (or whatever the F in French).

And now... for something completely different....

Comfort Foods: I had the pumpkin cheesecake at The One Café this week (speaking of groping). Holy shit that is good stuff! They only have it around November and December. The “wild cheesecake” at Lorenzino café also rocks. Almost got molested at our table at Lorenzino: Dude who walked by 5 times trying to give me his phone number (in competition with his BROTHER also trying to give me his phone number) came and sat down at our table to give me his number. WTF! These guys are getting pretty bold. Haven’t any of these cheapass amateurs ever heard of The Cake Maneuver (where you send the object of interest a piece of cake with your card/number?). It has been 2 years since I was on the receiving end of a cake maneuver…

Speaking of comfort foods…. I am flying back to the States for Thanksgiving for 5 days. Why? Because I can. I haven’t been with my family for Thanksgiving in 11 years and I think its time. I’m also going back for Christmas (I know – I’m retarded, right?).

Has anyone noticed that their MTC bills are higher now that the company changed their name to Zain? Are we, their customers, paying for their globalization and re-branding? What’s up with that? My bill is a lot higher and I’m not liking it.

This week is going to be crazy-busy yet again and thankfully, our DG/Romanian/Slapperella weekend has already been booked. Yippeeee!