The Shut-In Goes Out: Part Deux ou nos

My life is fasssssssssssssscinating. Yup. It is.

I someone who I hadn't seen in decades for a late lunch on the onset of the weekend. I was looking forward to it...... I wasn't so happy when he asked me if I had ever "done it" with another woman. Let me axe you this: Where the F in Miss Manners is the section for asking if your dinner partner is a lesbian over a meal? "The small fork to your left on the outside is for salad and then you turn to the guest seated to your right and ask if they are a lesbian." It was asked in such a way that I was purty sure the next thing out was going to be, "Can I watch?" Ew. I don't get some people's fascination with all that.

WAIT! IT GETS BETTER.

I'm guessing that he considers himself very witty for picking up chicks while seated with me (as in OVER my body), within earshot of the entire restaurant. Of course you do, honey. Its tres tres witty. I mean, we haven't spoken in (did I mention?) two decades so why should he need to talk to me? Why waste the wit on ... me... when it is so obvious that the YOUNG woman (with an age difference TWO decades) seated on the opposite side of me is far more interesting. No no, don't bother... I'm just a steaming pile of dog poo... don't worry about me.... I can SMS friends and maybe play a game ap on my phone while you two get along smashingly. Faaaabulous. "(Desert Girl), I should take you with me all the time to pick up chicks! This is great! I would never do this alone." Yeah sure. Let's DO that! And while we're at it, let me stick this fork in my eye...

On the drive home, down the Gulf Road, I smiled at a lot of men just to make sure that I can still attract men. I can and did. Ego boost complete.

That was how the weekend began and ended with good parts in-between.

Friday I went to the Retired Generals Breakfast Club. It was a weekend for catching up with people I hadn't seen in a while. I hadn't seen this retired brigadeer in 12 years, and he invited me to go to see him and friends at their Friday morning gathering place. NICE guys, NICE conversation, just nice all around. That was way more my speed. They all had interesting things to say; and equally listened with interest to what I had to say. They were also flirty and I got good vibes.

Then, I went shopping with Slapperella. WTF am I going to do while she is off globe-trotting and I'm here without her? Usually when my female friends go away is the time that I get bored and DANgerous.

I had a military-type meeting in the evening and saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. All very civilized.

Okay, so I need to now discuss yet another wierd conversation I had.... I went to a birthday party a few months ago. My friend introduced me to her friend (I'll call him Finance Dude or FD) who seemed rather cold and distant most of the night. I didn't think he liked me, but as it turned out, he was one of those boyz on the playground who punches girls in the arm when he has any kind of attraction. ("I like you, but I don't want anybody to know.") So, he asks my friend if he can call me (nice touch). I say ok. He calls. I am too busy with my fasssssssscinating lifestyle to pay much attention to him. We eventually (this weekend) have a real chat. "And now... for an offer you can't refuse!" Suuuure.

Dude never asks if I have a boyfriend, if I'm seeing anyone, and/or if I might be interested in him. He launches into a 1-sided conversation about how HE is ready for a relationship, and how HE is a very romantic person (lots of his friends aren't and don't know how to communicate with their women and apparently don't know about scented candles) and how HE would never allow a woman to pay for anything.... (Wait! I'm falling in love... NOT). Me me me me me me. He says that we aren't getting any younger (speak for yourself, dude, I regress every day) and should get right to the point. "Lets have a relationship and travel together and spend time together..." Dude! Slow down! So I ask him his marital status because our mutual friend seems to believe he's divorced. "I'm separated." (I LOVE it when they say this!) 'Really? Where does she live?' "On the first floor. I live downstairs." 'Really? Where are the bedrooms located?' "On the first floor." 'Really? So where is your bedroom?' "On the first floor. The kids don't know. We're not telling them until they get older." So, if you have such great communications skills, what happened between you and your wife?

Puhleeze, do not attempt to bullshet a bullshetter. zzzzzzzzzzzz yawn.

"Oh, and another thing: I can't take you out in public because people might see us together and ask questions." My God, this offer sounds SO GOOD that how can I possibly resit? What a DEAL! Dude, please! You're 45 years old. Grow some balls, get a divorce or make things work, and move on. What I want to know is this - do you have ANYTHING to offer me that would interest me or that I can't already get for myself? (My eyes are rolling back in my head just thinking about it.) Go find yourself a 20-year-old who will be in awe of your '09 Yukon and your financial ability to take Jazeera to Sharm el Sheikh. Je ne giveaphuck pas.

I would so rather be alone with my dog in my PJs watching Girls Night In on OSN and eating ice cream. Guys are just going to have to do waaaaaaaaaaaay better than that.