Sunday, February 21, 2010
Fish out of polluted water
So here I am in Virginia with like 2' of snow on the ground. It is 40 degrees (American!) and I'm just wearing a sweater. I came back from the "Viet Cong" (that's what my bro-in-law calls the nail salon because all the nail places in Northern Virginia are run by Vietnamese ladies who I KNOW are talking about my fat ass and giggling in their language. Oh, anyways... came back from the VC (Charlie Joe did my toes) wearing my flip flops and my family just about fell out of their chairs. "WHERE do you think you ARE? Kuwait?!" I'm not going to change; let the weather change a-round me! Besides, my pink toes look really cute in a snowy background.
I love being here, but I do sometimes feel like a fish outa water. For example, people are so polite that they don't stare here; giving me a very eeerie feeling. WHY aren't they staring? What is wrong with ME? Why aren't men chasing me around the grocery store? I don't get it! I'm like - what is the world - oh yeah INVISIBLE. How do people ever meet each other here? How do they procreate? (More importantly - how do they practice at it?) They don't even bluetooth in this country. So odd! Meeting men here must be like (I shiver) work.
Oh - one creepy old Iranian man with hair coming out of his ears followed me around the Reston Towne Center. He asked me what my name was and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Louise" (?) I told him I was married when he asked for my number. My sister thinks I have Middle-Eastern-Man-Magnetism. Great - why can't I be magnetic to someone say like Prince Waleed or the likes? Why can't I have Clooney magnetism? Why am I blessed and cursed at the same time?
There is a woman in the paper who shot up her colleagues because she didn't get tenure at her job. My sister was reading me the article and I'm thinking .... I can relate. That is really pathetic and I'm not saying that I would ever do it (I can't get my shotgun in my barbie suitcase) but.. I can see it. No seriously - the woman was really a nutcase... (similarities....)
So, I head down to Ft. Lauderdale day-after-tomorrow to go to a convention. I haven't been there since I dated a Saudi guy and he moved there and I spent 2 totally unmemorable days there with him (dayam - WHAT was his name and what did he look like????) No one wants to go with me. I've offered my mother a free all-expenses paid trip to go with and she said no. Do I smell? Ok... so I've admitted to the snoring; perhaps it is that.
I am thinking of getting a much younger boyfriend who I can boss around and take on trips like these for fun. When I say 'jump' you say, "What kind of martini would you like, baby?" Hey, anything would be fine, gorgeous, as long as you serve it in cowboy boots and a smile.
I'm just delusional! Alls I get is a hairy-eared old dude who thinks I'm Louise.