When your push-up bra goes too far

Catchy title, eh?

Anything with "bra" in the title is hereby and forthwith dedicated to Purgatory. Ask and ye shall receive.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, but I woke up tired and achy. I had a dream that I was driving through farmland and looked over into a field and a brown calf smiled at me (what does it all mean?). Go figure.

Just looked it up on http://www.dreammoods.com/ dream interpreter and it says: “To see a calf in your dream, symbolizes immaturity and inexperience. You need to develop certain qualities.” Uh, funk dat; I like my immaturity. But then wait, it goes on to say, “Brown denotes worldliness, practicality, domestic and physical comfort, conservatism, and a materialistic character. Brown also represents the ground and earth.” WTF. Now I’m confused. Anyhoooooooo….

I woke up late (as usual). Who the HELL invented the snooze? It was a man, fer sure. It was a man who could wear a baseball cap, jeans, and t-shirt to work who could get away with not shaving nor any sort of hygiene routine. Obviously, any woman would know better.

My routine is long and minutely accurate – like a military mission. Details are imperative. For example, I use 2 different types of eyeliner. The first, on the upper lids sets rather quickly (love you, Lancome black liquid eyeliner!). The next, on the lower lids, I use a water-proof, mortar-proof, tear-resistant eyeliner (you bastards at Cle de Peau had to stop making it, didn’t you? Was it too good? Was it that one unit would last 6 months?) that I have to use the hair dryer to get to fasten to my skin. I’m telling ya – you can’t get rid of it with normal make up remover. It is resistant to sand-blasting and 12 hour work days (I’ve found it to be the ONLY long-wearing eyeliner that will stay on my eyes in summer in Kuwait). Anyhow, that is just the eyelids. Then, there is eye shadow, mascara, foundation, powder… I’m really just writing this for the benefit of men who have no clue. Girls, you know what I’m talking about, right?

The Snooze Idiot didn’t understand this which is why I hate him. I hit my snooze again and again until it gets “Oh My God, they are definitely going to fire me this time” time.

This morning was the first time in 3 years that I didn’t wash my hair before going to work. 3 years ago, I had a REALLY good/fun reason…. Today was just nonsensical.

So, I had no idea what to wear (as usual) and had to go looking for a neutral bra to go with the white shirt I decided on. The one I grabbed was, as it turned out, quite the wrong choice. I know, you guys are thinking, “Why wear one?” right? Idiots. Shut up.

Long-story-short, the girls are up around my chin today and co-workers are giggling. Such is my life. I was planning to go downstairs and have kabab today, but I don’t think that would be a wise decision.

I have an update on my life. I have been debating about if I should even write about this, but I think I will because it has had a happy ending.

I wrote a few posts about the Psychic Bedu and his prediction for June of 2008. He said that The Man would come back around in that month. For the past 18 months, I’ve been doing my normal thang of going to tarot card, coffee cup, shell tossing readers (with my girlfriends, of course) who have told me pretty much the same thing. Do I believe in that kind of thing? Well, let me say that I do believe in the Law of Averages, so if all these people are telling me pretty much of the same thing, then yes – I tend to believe it. One lady actually told me The Man’s first name and his profession. One tarot card reading told me that The Man would come back into my life, but our relationship would be redefined as something completely different, yet happy.

The Man is back in my life (June 2008 - exactly when PB said) and I am glad. We have decided to be friends.

Have you heard that song, “Heart of the Matter”? Lyrics here. The original version is by Don Henley/Eagles, but I really love the new one by India Arie (Sex and the City soundtrack). It is about forgiveness. For weeks, the lyrics have been playing in my head and I think that it is yet another sign from God that I should be listening to. So, I am.

He has been helping me find a new apartment and I don’t think anyone else could do what he has managed to do for me. He has been an amazing friend and I don’t even know how to thank him.

When I first saw him, I would go home every time and cry. I felt so bad because I felt like he is not the same person. He isn’t. I am. I haven’t changed. My emotions really haven’t changed towards him. He speaks softer and doesn’t make much eye contact. The electric current that used to be between us that you could almost see in the air is gone. It as if he has been unplugged somehow. He isn’t sarcastic. He doesn't seem as confident. He's lost weight and somehow seems defeated. Maybe it is just that seeing him is all new; I don't know. He doesn’t want to talk about the past at all. I’m a talker; I find it hard not to talk about it, but so be it. Let it go, DG.

Anyways, I had many months of unrealistic fantasies that he missed me as much as I missed him, and he was thinking about me when I was thinking about him. It was nice to feel like someone out there loved me and that “evil forces” were somehow keeping us apart. What it comes down to is realistic choices. How terribly anticlimactic.

I’m a typical Aries personality and I don’t like it when the choice isn’t MINE. I’m supposed to make the choices.

He is being a lot more mature about it than I am (calf dream). In a nutshell, he said that we tried as hard as we possibly could and nothing we did worked. We were making each other miserable and it couldn’t continue.

Again, the Aries in me wants to fight for it; be the champion of the cause. But fight until when? Okay, so I get it, but parts of me still don’t like it.

The Man has forgotten big chunks of our relationship which made me very sad. I don't know how anyone can do that, but I'm trying to understand it. Maybe it is his defense mechanism. Maybe he had to forget to move on. I don't do that. I remember details and covet them. I shouldn't. Let it go.

At the moment, I don’t know what I want. Bu Merdas is the polar opposite of The Man in terms of relationships. Where The Man was possessive (and I like that), Bu Merdas is a commitment-phobe who will bolt when he feels confined. I can’t feel secure in that even though he’s a great guy and many of the other pieces fit together nicely.

So, here I am again at the point where I was 3 years ago – kinda hoping for something better while I am massing X’s who are now best buddies. Perhaps I’m forming my own army of some sort, I don’t know. Its all part of God's plan, right?

This is a long post. Don’t care. Stop reading if you are bored. It is my therapy.

I met up with an old friend who I haven’t seen since 1990 in Washington. He was doing his PhD in political science. I learned through friends that he is here in Kuwait now as an ambassador. So, we met for dinner. It was very odd. He knew me when I was a teenager and seeing him again made me feel like an insecure teenager. He reminded me of a LOT of things I had forgotten about myself. How did I get such a terrible memory? Every other sentence out of his mouth was, “Sheikh Nasser (Ali, Meteb, flan, etc…) was asking about you after you left Washington.” OMG. I had no idea I had left such an impression. He reminded me of old friends that I haven’t thought of in years. Proving once again that I have always had more male friends than female! Eek. I guess I was popular and I didn’t even know it. Some of these people have gone on to become really important.

I used to go to embassy receptions and functions in Washington without even giving it a second thought (like to the Iraqi embassy’s national day party in 1986…. and even parties with the Libyan embassy staff before they closed the embassy in Washington… and the cool fountain at the Iranian embassy where my friend, Laura, snuck into one night with the son of a diplomat….the multitude of Kuwait National Day parties that even included dancing. What would the new parliament think!?) Apparently, others did give my presence a second thought. I hope that I wore the right thing and said the right thing. My mother wouldn’t have allowed me to leave the house if I hadn’t – I’m sure. She was a National Correspondent covering political affairs for a long time – and that included going to receptions and galas. All the party clothes I owned in the 80’s and early 90’s were from Neiman Marcus (thanks Mom!), so I must not have been too shabby.

You know when your mother tells you, "You should remember this time of your life because it will never happen again"? Why the HELL didn't I listen to her????

At that time, men were throwing gifts at me left and right and it totally pissed my mother off. She was of the philosophy that if a man bought you a gift, you owed him something. Now, I am of the same philosophy, but back then, I was living it up. Every time someone bought me a $500 dress, accessory, or piece of jewelry, my mother and I would go up to Mazza Gallerie to buy him a gift of equal value. It wasn’t cheap.

What happened to me???? Now, I’m going to gaadat at jkhoors in Chabd.

I knew a hell of a lot about the underbelly of politics in Washington at that time too. How could I forget all this stuff? I can’t blame in on one event like some of my girlfriends do, “I was in a terrible car accident and hit my head… lost your number….”

How is it that you can forget big chunks of your past and you wish that you could forget chunks of your not-so-distant past?

I am really philosophical today. Must be PMS.