Saturday, March 12, 2005

OCD's in Various Forms

Sometimes you want to smack your friends upside the head. (Sometimes they want to smack you upside the head, but that is for their blogs, not mine.)

My friend, SheeshaGirl, for example. I love her. She’s a great girl. Good heart; Generally sunny disposition. What I don’t like is her man-of-the-week club. Yes, yes – this sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. It isn’t that I care that she HAS a man every week. I really wouldn’t care if she had 2-3 men a day. Not my business. What makes me truly nutty is the way she CARRIES ON about them like they were THE only man in the whole world – and every week a new one to dote on. “My baby is so adorable. Isn’t (flan) so cute? Look at the SMSs he sent me! I just love this guy. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah….” SHUT UP! I feel like I’m back in 6th grade. Let’s talk about guy at recess on the playground.

This weekend, play friend Talal almost hits my car, as SheeshaGirl has allowed him to drive her car (drunk). I lit into her like she was a 3 year old who had tried to stick its finger in an electric socket. Okay, you want to kill yourself – fine. Just don’t take me/others with you.

THEN, she wanted me to apologize to HIM (as he thought I had over-reacted). AS IF. “It means the world to me that you like him. I respect your opinion.” How the pluck am I supposed to like him when he is obnoxious and almost hits mine and another car – on a relatively empty road? Then, the little schidt has the nerve to tell me, “I’m not drunk. That’s just the way we drive in Kuwait. Get used to it.” I swear to God, this is why I don’t arm myself. And, “means the world to me…” I just met the dumbass! I would like at least 2 days before I form an opinion.

Her 2 week mutaa marriage to Naz is over. Boo hoo. I told Naz, “So… that’s your WIFE?” tee hee. He doesn’t deserve it. Remind me never ever ever to hook up my girlfriends. Unless as a form of revenge or vindictiveness - like I did with my friends Sam and Trish.

He was looking for a rich, beautiful woman to support him. She was looking for same in the male form. They wore amazing clothes and jewelry and had about 10 cents between them. I introduced them and it was "looooooove". They didn't get out of bed for the first 2 months. Whenever they went out, heads turned because they were such a gorgeous couple. For the first several months, they both paid with credit cards, thinking that the other would pay the bill when it rolled around. When they figured out that they were both poor, the stealing began. She stole from him; he stole from her. I laughed my ass off (not all of it).

My personal feeling on dating is – why talk about it when you have to know that you are just going to jinx yourself? Let it flow naturally. Don’t discuss. Don’t obsess. Don’t exaggerate – just let it flooooooooooowwww. Why drag your girlfriends into every little thing? That is so juvenile. Professional daters don’t go there.

Bo Jaij – I watched “Bridget Jones” again last night and yes – it is me; butt and all. Except I don’t smoke ever. I also think Hugh Grant looks like a weasel.

Speaking of Hugh Grant: I went to LA and we were walking to our car off Sunset Blvd and I saw a hooker giving a client a BJ in a car, and I actually looked at the guy to see if he was someone famous. (I couldn't see from her position if the woman was Divine Brown or not.) He just looked at me and smiled. My friend, Angela, almost fell over a trash can laughing. Everyone should have a Hollywood moment.

Side-note: I love the movie, “Love Actually”. I always cry at the end when they are doing the airport montage. It is just so touching (sniffle).

My 4 year quest to re-connect with Hmoud Nasser ended this weekend. It definitely ended. I hadn’t remembered him looking so… so….. anti-masculine. Have you seen his video for his song, “Habibi” (original title, I know, but I like the song)? Anyways, some Lebanese choreographer must have taught him how to wave his hands in the air (ah like you just don’t care…). It seems like all those taught-movements have stuck with him because I asked him a question (in Arabic no less) and instead of responding with actual words, he blew me a kiss (from 2 feet away) and did the same hand gestures as in the video. Oooooooh tay. What was THAT all about? He used to be such a genuine guy with a little lisp (and masculine attire), and a guitar.

I found a new bra this weekend. Debenham’s t-shirt bra. I like it and so do The Girls. Speaking of girls – I was somewhere over the weekend and I am wondering if all the Kuwaiti girls go to the same plastic surgeon to get their boobs done. They all looked like the same size. I actually found myself staring. There is no bra in the world that can pick ‘em up like that. And they were all about the same size as those small, green, Egyptian melons, shamaam. There is going to be an entire shamaam generation in Kuwait. "Shamaamary" generation - tee hee.

A funny traffic-related story: My aggressive American former Army friend, Bobarino, fought for Kuwait in ‘91, so I believe that he has a personal vendetta against all wrongs in Kuwait in current times. Some little kid in a Mazda cut in front of him, tires-a-squeelin, and almost made him flip his Tahoe. He followed the kid for miles, until he turned into a driveway. Babarino came up behind him and said, “You almost killed me back there!” Twerp gets out, flashes an American passport and says, “I don’t care, I’m American.” Babarino pulls his out and says, “Well, ya know what – today is your lucky day because I am too.” He proceeded to berate the twerp in front of neighbors, asking who Twerp’s father was, etc. etc. Sounds like he put the Fear of God into him. Good.

I don’t know about all y’alls, but I have found that a LOT of my homeboys/girls drive like they own Kuwait. (“My Father Does Own The Road”). I have been guilty of it at times (but not cause I’m from the US – just because I drive like a maniac and I feel right at home here). What is different about most of the aggressive American drivers I have found here is that they will follow you and shout and be nasty (they don’t care about face). We have road rage back there, and it seems to have been brought here by some of the home-peeps.

Bobarino was also responsible for smacking a young Kuwait’s head into the roof of a car because youngKuwaiti grabbed Bobarino’s Pilipino girlfriend’s butt while they were waiting for their car in front of a mall. Bobarino told him never to treat a woman like that again, ever. Tee hee. That makes me giggle.

I bought 5 pairs of shoes this weekend and a bag. You might think that is OCD, but it isn’t really. I went to the Cheap Shoe Mall (Munira complex across from M&S). I bought 5 pairs of 5kd shoes, so I have no guilt whatsoever. Shoes only last in Kuwait for 9 nanoseconds anyways with all the stones and dust and mud pits that we have to walk through – and that is just going to work in the morning.

Which makes me wonder why…. Kuwait is the Hooker Shoe Capital of The World. If you are a hooker, or know someone who is, you can definitely find your shoes here. Platform shoes, shiny shoes, boots, acrylic heels, acrylic platforms, tennis-shoes-a-go-go – all in various shades and sizes: They’ve got whatever you need. I think that this place could sell to hookers everywhere. Why isn’t there an Official Kuwaiti Hooker Shoe E-commerce site? I mean, hookers in London, Amsterdam, LA, Vegas, New York could all take advantage of the low prices and different varieties that we have here. Who would have guessed (until you move here) that there are hooker shoes in the desert? If you would like to know where to find the best hooker shoes, there is an entire mall across from Marks & Spencer in Salmiya. Go there. Take pictures. Tell your friends.

My question is this: With all those enormous shamaamary glands, how they gonna walk in hooker shoes? The law of physics should be taken into consideration.

I live in a slum. My building is only 8 years old and it is disgusting me. They seem to have completed most of the sewage re-construction, but there is still a mud pit/trench surrounding my building. I went to visit a friend in Jabriya who has just moved into a gorgeous new building with a pool (accommodation envy). Whoever the owner is did a good job. It costs 270 for 2 br/2 full bath. The finishing is nicely done all around. The only problem is – it is in Jabriya. When you look out the window, you see other buildings right in your face. At least in mine, I get a partial sea view and I’ve got a big balcony. Anyhoo, the upkeep in my building really leaves a lot to be desired. My female Canadian friend is looking for a female professional (as in non-hooker) roommate if anyone knows someone. It is fully furnished; everything is new. Just write to me if you would like info (amerab@gmail.com).

I’m hungry. It is all MrsBaker’s fault. I tuned into her blog a few minutes ago and saw lots of pictures of food items. Then, she reminded me of New England (and I put the two together). Now, I am craving New England foods: Coffee cabinet, grinders, clam cakes, REAL Greek pizza, Portuguese cheese, seafood zuppa (Cyndy!), funnel cake, Dell’s, Newport Creamery, SWORDFISH. Damn. I should shoot myself now and put an end to the misery (yeah - mine AND yours!)

15 comments:

Jewaira said...

You make me smile :)

nibaq said...

hunger

Desert Girl said...

Jewaira, I'm glad I could make someone smile. I usually just get a blank stare as people shake their heads and walk away! LOL

Mad M2000 مــادم الكويت said...

Excellent material...so much drama

nothing is lost in translation

Bo Jaij told me about your blog...he was right

The Don ® said...

D.. check your mail

LUMINOUS said...

lool
when i was in the states driving kuwaiti style on the highway, an old guy followed me all the way home demanding to know if i had some pressing urgent business that would justify my driving. i could've whipped out my passport and say i was kuwaiti LOL , but instead i apologized profusely and felt humbled.

Ziena said...

too right about hmoud nasser!!! wish he stayed the way he first was.. u cracked me up about the breast surgeries and the hooker shoes :)
i wondered why my best friend got a divorce recently!
how long do marriages last there anyway? last time i was in kuwait (loooong time ago) marriages lasted 7-10 years... now its a matter of months before u get the title (divorced)!! Heck to that

Desert Girl said...

Oh My GOD! The great MadM2000 posting a comment to my lowly blog. I bow before you (not in a dirty way). I am truly humbled by your presence here! I've been keeping up with your work for years and you are incredibly talented.

Don - check yours, baby! :) We have so much in common!

Luminous - I'd apologize too if confronted by an old guy (unless he was wearing a hat because as my dad says - "Old guys in hats are the worst drivers in the world. I don't know why.") Unfortunately, I drive like a Kuwaiti in the States now too and I can't understand
1) Why they drive so slow
2) Why they obey the laws there
3) Why people in the fast lane won't move out of your way when you flash your high beams at them
4) Why they don't move when they see you coming off the ramp into traffic.

WHYYYYYYYY?

Desert Girl said...

Zeina,

Marriage lengths are increasing as bra sizes do. The more plastic surgery a wife can get, the better chance of marriage survival (I'm just kidding, of course).

I guess I'm the wrong person to ask about that. I don't have a man/can't keep one/don't really want to do even anything fun for an extended period of time (Aries).

A very close person to me once said, "If I fall out of love every 7 years, then I'll just get married again every 7 years." She is American. I think she has met her match now, however.

H'moud really burst my bubble. I couldn't believe that lounge-lizard gesture he gave me (similar to "here's lookin at you, babe." Ick. Hel-looooo! He was sitting with a melon-girl, but I think he was just frontin. She had that, "Oh my God - no he isn't" look on her face too.

I got melon-envy. Now I'm looking for pylons big enough to rack mine like that. not really - far too dangerous.

Not_Without_My_Heels said...

You know Hmood Nasser personally?

Ok, I'm not really into him but I have to admitt I'm a celebrity junkie.. I think it's the larger than life image they portray.. umm, even in Kuwait.. OK OK whatever it's my comment and I can make up my own creative theories!
I saw "Fares" the other day aka Khaled Ameen.. the actor in one of the Ramadhan soaps.. and he looked so "icky" (hamdila wilshikr) but still he's an actor, I mean he was there infront of me but yet I can see him on TV too, HOW DO THEY DO THAT!!! *in awe*

(No I'm not 6)

(And I'm an Aries too! YaaaY!)

Desert Girl said...

Not_Without_My_Heels - I just sent you an e-mail.

"What you see isn't always what you get."

Not without my make-up! LOL

LUMINOUS said...

Aries REPRESENT! Ladies, I propose we start up our own club in honor of the rams, and blame all of our relationship failures on our astrological sign! LOL

Not_Without_My_Heels said...

Luminous.. where do I sign up? ;)

Ms.Baker said...

Desert girl, I was graced with a comment from the legendary Mad M also! Its like, being blessed by the Pope or something!!!!

Wow what a hilarious post. Next time we are both in Boston, we have to go to Legal's. I miss CHOW-DAH (chowder) and stuffed quahogs (clams) too.

Tell Sheeshagirl MrsBaker thinks she better de-floozey it up, what with the pleasure marriages and flavors of the week. Saving some for later is a good thing.
And I am all for perking up saggy shammam-y melons if you have to, but the thought of a foreign substance in my body freaks me out.

Know what else I miss about New England? Driving up to the shopping outlets in Kittery, Maine and maxing out my visa. Skiing at SugarBush and Sugarloaf. Filene's Basement. The colors of fall. I am so homesick for N.E. right now...
Ooooh..funnel cake!

nomad rocker said...

hehe I swear I'm gonna sue you! oh boy my gut hurts so bad from laughing that I think I am bleeding internally =D