One might ask, “Desert Girl, what could possibly happen to you next in this shitty year of 2006?” and I might respond with the following:
First of all, I have been struck by weird ailments since the beginning of the year (e coli poisoning, back problems, chest pains that I thought was a heart attack), but I caulked all those up to the Evil Eye of Someone in The Man’s Close Family – perhaps even doing some black magic on me/us. I read an article recently about “heartbreak syndrome” where all of these symptoms are actually attributes of a medical ailment being studied. Being distraught can cause your immune system to lower and therefore all kinds of things can happen….
I got WACKED by the flu bigtime this week. It hit me on Thursday while I was in the chair at the salon (ok, so I’m sick, but I’m pretty). I fell asleep several times. My throat hurt. (I do have to admit that I was having evil thoughts towards The Man and his clan, so maybe it was such that brought it about.) It lasted a full-blown 4 days. I couldn’t lift my head. I couldn’t eat. All I wanted to do was sleep (which might have been really good if someone big and yummy was next to me, but then again, maybe not because I was all sweaty and disgusting). I went to Mowasat so many times that they are giving me a discount card (not really, but they should and I suggested it, so maybe….).
Now, during this time, one might think that my FRIENDS would be supportive; offering comfort and at least words of cheer. Nophuckinway. The Romanian disappeared – totally. When I finally (on the 4th day) sent her an SMS saying, “Ayeb, ya mara. I have been home since Thursday…”, she shot me one back saying, “Really sorry. I have a lot of problems.” Aaaaaah, chel-loooooo. Slapperella is always on the scene with words of comfort, advice, guidance and kindness. I don’t know what I would do without her. She lives right across the street from me and brought me food and juice and took me to the hospital. The Romanian is on my “BeeOtch List” right now. (You wouldn’t believe the amount of things Slapperella and I do for her!)
Oh oh oh – and meanwhile – she “forgot to tell” me that she had gone to see a male friend of MINE (who once had potential, but that she knew I was mad at recently) – WHILE I was sick. BeeOtch! They always say not to introduce your girlfriends to your male friends, but I never listen. It is kind of hard when you are all in the same place at the same time, etc.
So… yesterday, I think I am semi-recovered from the flu (still sounding like a sexy Donald Duck and with majordraggyass) and set off to work. I’m drivin’ along and BAM! A little Dickweed hit my car with his Caaaaaaaaaamry. That’s fine – no big deal because it’s insured. He jumps out of the car and the first thing out of his mouth is, “Shut up.” Then, he tells me to park my car to the right because we are blocking traffic – and he proceeds to TAKE OFF! AS IF. (I have already called 777 – I guess he was talking to his friends or something on the phone – advice from fellow dickweeds.) I went after him, got in front, told him to stop – and the Dickweed was swerving around behind me to try to get away! He lost control of his car, hit the curb, bounced off, and plowed into the rear quarter panel of my car, spinning me around to face oncoming traffic. He jumps out of his car and starts shouting at me in Arabic. Get this – he was going to take off AGAIN, but this time there were witnesses there! He tells them (again in Arabic), “That gahaba hit my car!” and proceeded with other dirty words. Not cool. (For once, I didn’t retaliate – and that was only because I knew that I had a case if I wanted.) The police arrived shortly after and I told the officer what Dickweed said. He (car # 6163 of the 777 police – love ya, baby!) told me to tell the officer at the police station – which I did. The boy told the lieutenant, “I was talking to my dad on the phone.” I’m like (in Arabic), “Your dad? What kind of family do you come from?”
Anyhow, I could have filed a case against him for the insults, but his father showed up and he was a genuinely nice guy who apologized to me profusely - telling me that he is religious and yada yada. Dickweed shouted at the attending officer, the lieutenant, and 2 investigators. One of the investigators tried to get all of us thrown out after Dickweed tells him, “What are you – a minister or something? Sitting there giving orders!” WTF. Dude didn’t know when to shut up. Even his own father was telling him to shut up.
When we gave our accountings of what happened, he started shouting at me again! I told him, “You could go to prison! Want me to file the case? Stop shouting.” I swearaGod, if it wasn’t for his father…. I usually don’t have much luck with long-bearded men, but the investigator was genuinely kind to me. I was still pretty sick and he did his best to make reason out of the boy. He just shook his head and said, “These young boys in Kuwait are a problem…” Anyways, Dickweed told them a different story – that I cut in front of him and he hit me (yes - I was driving sideways down the street). It is pretty obvious from the damage of what happened. The investigator said that unless our stories matched, he would have to send us to the experts/engineers to determine the cause of the crash. No big deal for me because I’m 100% covered, but Dickweed was wailing about having to pay 50 kd for being at fault. He got really really nice all of a sudden and said, “Just sign the paper saying its your fault and we can leave.” I told long-beard investigator dude that I’m not a liar and I don’t bare false witness, so bring it on. I don’t care about the outcome – either way, I’m covered. I just hope he has to pay and learns something. (He’s far too distorted – he won’t learn anything. I’m just BSing myself. Forever a Dickweed!)
I sent The Man an SMS saying that I had been in an accident. I shouldn’t have, alas, but I did. His response, “How is the car? Where is it?” Somebody slap a “stupid” sign on my forehead now, puhleeze!
Slapperella was very concerned, so she took me back to Mowasat in the afternoon where we spent 3 hours getting me x-rayed to make sure I don’t have whiplash (tee hee – I always think that’s funny). It turns out that although I don’t have any injuries resulting from this accident, however, my L4 and L5 discs on the right side have slipped sometime previously and I should see an orthopedic doctor (I know what THAT was from – circus sex. Bastard, bastard, bastard!)
…. And all of the above are yet other reasons of why (….now, repeat after me)…
THIS YEAR SUCKS.