One of my buddies thought he went on a date with a Russian girl, but in
her mind, it wasn’t a date. According to her, in Russia it’s not a real date
unless the guy picks a girl up, pays for dinner, and gets her home at a time
that is comfortable for her. Her expectations may be because she is successful
and attractive, but it got me thinking, “What can guys learn about dating
customs from other cultures?”
Despite the U.S.’s influence on other cultures, dating customs in other
cultures tends to be more traditional. Why do women find foreign men so
attractive? Perhaps it’s because there are refined dating customs we could
learn from.
Here are 8 dating customs in other cultures we should follow:
1. Family Matters
In the US, our dating custom is to bring a girl home to meet the
parents and friends only when the relationship becomes serious. However, in
other cultures, family approval is important from the get-go. In China, first impressions count and “it’s not uncommon for
parents and grandparents to set their children up on blind dates with suitable
matches they’ve found.” InMexico, “you are not only dating the man/woman, but you are
dating the family…” In Armenian culture, it’s important both sets of parents
get along before the relationship gets serious.
Even in cultures where family opinion may not take precedent, friend
compatibility is important. In Australia and Europe, relationships often come
out of groups of friends, which I’d assume equals #instantapproval.
It got me thinking. One of my buddies took a girl he was dating for
only two weeks on a family vacation, and we’ve laughed about it ever since.
That’s a lot of pressure on a girl, right? But why do we generally wait so long
to bring her home? Let’s be honest. The underlying reason we bring her home to
meet the parents is to get their approval for possible marriage. So why wait
5-6 months? Maybe my buddy was on to something.
2. Yes, you do ask the father
And not just for his blessing in marriage. In Mexico, “one common
expectation is getting the father’s approval [for dating] since he is the head
of the household.” Some naysayers will say this is because societies are
patriarchal, but in reality, most cultures are simply family oriented. Not only
do immediate family members stay close, but distant relatives do as well.
Asking her father is respectful and practical because you will be spending
ample time with him. Why risk an offense? Even if the father doesn’t approve,
your hands are clean, and you’ve at least done your part.
In the US, fathers have become physically and emotionally absent, so I
understand why many American women become upset at the notion a guy should ask
her father to date her. What would happen if fathers became more active in
family life? If a girl greatly respected her father would she require her
boyfriend and future husband to do the same?
3. The guy initiates
In Korea, dating customs dictate the man initiates holding
hands or kissing. The “man is responsible for escalating the date,” and if he
doesn’t, she assumes he’s not interested. In the US, men worry about mixed
signals. “Am I coming on too strong, or too weak? Is this the right time to
hold hands?” Sometimes it can take a while for a guy to figure things out, and
left in the confusion, girls often have to take the lead.
4. There are no games
In the US, a phenomenon called “ghosting”
has become common where a guy suddenly stops returning calls or texts. There’s
no ghosting in France. Spineless guys are less common. If a date doesn’t go
well, a French guy is unafraid to say he’s not interested. In many cultures men
aren’t afraid to make their intentions clear. It’s pretty simple. There’s no
DTR (Defining The Relationship-which is often initiated more by women in the
US). In Brazil, if two people enjoy each other’s company, they soon namorar, or “date exclusively.”
5. Time is of essence
In the US, depending on the girl, it’s ok to be a few minutes late. Not
so in Germany; being late is inexcusable. The date may not
happen if the guy is late. It’s also important the guy has the girl home at the
agreed time.
6. Dress to impress
In Italy, it’s important to strike a balance between dressing
too casual and too formal. Women pay particular attention to the shoes. In the
US, most men are afraid to experiment, and end up dressing like clones for a
first date.
7. Pays for dinner without expectation
Somehow it’s a big deal for a guy to pay for dinner in the US. Some men
pay for dinner and expect sex, but in both Italy and Russia men pay for meals with zero expectation.
8. Complimenting
American men struggle to compliment a girl. There’s a concern he might
come across as too desperate, and because of stereotypes, believes being cold
and unexpressive is sexy. Men inFrance are
more relaxed and not afraid of girls. In fact, they lay the compliments on
thick. Maybe this is why women find the French to be enticing. How can a guy
ever go wrong telling a girl she’s beautiful?
Keep in mind, these dating customs are in general. Every country and
culture will have its fair share of progressive or old-fashioned gentleman, but
it doesn’t hurt to learn from and pay attention to why women find foreign men
to be so attractive. Maybe it’s more than accents and looks. Maybe they are
unafraid of doing some of the things lacking in American men?
---
'Ghosting:' The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks
About, But No One Knows How To Deal With
After three months of dating, 23-year-old Michael was optimistic about his relationship
with Linda*. They were together often, and he'd even met her parents. One night
at dinner, the "where is this going?" conversation came up. Michael
and Linda mutually agreed that they wanted to move forward in the relationship.
He dropped her off at home, kissed her goodnight ... and never heard from her again.
After his
attempts to reach her went unanswered, Michael put on his cute-guy hat and
delivered Linda's favorite cupcakes to her office -- only to find out his name
had been removed from the guest list at the gate.
Ghosted.
The term
"ghosting" (sometimes known as the "slow
fade") refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a
relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of
any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.
This
phenomenon isn't new, of course -- prehistoric daters sat by their curly-corded
phones waiting for their ghosts to call, and assumed that call musthave
come when he or she was out of the house. (The Discovery Channel has yet to
confirm the anecdote, but current 20-somethings speculate as much.)
But in an era
of Tinder, OKCupid, JSwipe and Hinge, matchmaking often happens by swiping
right and left, making potential daters literally disposable. The ease of app
and online dating has allowed ghosting to take new form. Chelsea, a 25-year-old
Manhattanite who has been both a ghost and a ghostee says the fast-paced,
onto-the-next mentality of online dating makes the need for an "it's not
me, it's you," conversation irrelevant. "Even after one or two dates
they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don't feel the normal
empathy I would for someone I met organically," she said.
Logan Levkoff,
sexologist and expert on "Married At First Sight," explained that
online dating and apps take the humanity out of the process a bit, which could
make users prone to being ghosted. "[Because] all it takes is a
swipe," she said. "The quantity [of how many people experience
ghosting] is more because it's so easy to do and it requires very little human
engagement in order to do it."
In fact, in a poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post,
respondents ages 18-29 were more likely to admit they've experienced ghosting
on either end than any other age group.
Breaking Up
Is Hard To Do
Dating is, in
some ways, a metaphor for Halloween. ('Tis the season, go with me here.)
Trick-or-treaters go from house to house, tasting all different types of
"candy" (aka men or women) until they're completely exhausted. They
go home, put on comfier clothes, consume literal candy until they can't even
breathe declaring to their friends, "I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN."
That is, until a cute guy or gal ... er, Hershey bar ... messages them.
In a 2012 study, researchers identified seven types of
breakup strategies. Trick-or-treaters polled considered confrontation the best
way to breakup, while they classified ghosting (avoiding/withdrawing from
contact with your partner) the least ideal method to end a relationship.
The YouGov/Huffington Post Poll confirmed these sentiments. Only 13 percent of
1,000 adults polled consider breaking up electronically very appropriate or
somewhat appropriate.
But while
most don't condone ghosting, that doesn't seem to influence whether they'll do
it to someone else.
Chelsea
admits that's the case for her and a bunch of her friends. "I'm a total
hypocrite in that respect. I'll ghost someone without a second thought but when
it happens to me I'm the first to run to my girlfriends in disbelief saying,
'The least he could do is let me down easy,'" she said, adding, "It's
probably karma."
So, Is
Ghosting Morally Wrong?
New
York-based location scout Victoria Carter protested the slow-fade in a 2013 blog post on XOJane.
"When you disappear into the ether without any indication why, all I can
do is come up with a million and a half reasons why you’re not into me,"
she wrote. Ghost victims have certainly been there and done that too,
wondering... He could be out of the country without cellphone service,
maybe she really is busy at work, Miranda's date actually died in one SATC episode... it could happen.
To members of
Ghosters Anonymous, Carter continued, "Until you close the door and close
it completely, I can hold on to that tiny unrealistic shred of hope that you DO
still want to hang out, and that maybe you’ll call (text, who am I kidding,
nobody calls anymore and I hate it) and it’ll all be great."
But Greg Behrendt, author
of the best-selling book turned movie, He's Just Not That
Into You, firmly believes that silence speaks louder than any words could.
"What I find weird is that there has to be an explanation after two dates.
If someone doesn’t call you after a couple days, that should be enough to say,
he's just not that... oh God, I don’t want to quote myself," he said
(quoting himself anyway).
It's simple,
and there's no need to contemplate the many "reasons" a date is
unresponsive, he explained. "When someone's not texting you and you see
they've read your text, then you should really get it," said
Behrendt, who recently co-authored a book with his wife, appropriately called, It's
Just A Fucking Date.
Defending ghost tendencies in an Oct. 2013 post on Slate,
writer Amanda Hess echoed that sentiment:
The idea that
a direct message is necessary to cement a relationship’s end is yet another
obfuscation. When it comes to modern digital relationships, the rhythm of the
exchange tells us as much as its literal content, and it doesn’t take any
specialized skill to read between the lines. If you’re initiating all the texts
in the relationship, the recipient just isn’t that into you; if you’re not
getting any texts back, the recipient isn’t into you at all.
Yes, lack of
response from someone you're digging feels crappy. But is it morally wrong?
Behrendt doesn't think so -- and he can't understand why humans can't apply the
same understanding about changed feelings to relationship as they do to
virtually everything else.
"Feelings
change about a lot of things... about a band, about a food, about certain
things you thought were fun that you don’t think are fun anymore. But it
becomes so profound in relationships like, 'that's never happened in the
history of relationships and why would he just walk away?' Well haven’t you
just walked away from a million different things in your life because you
weren’t into it? It's the universe taking care of you saying, '"I'm sorry
but that particular thing is over, go this way,'" he said.
But... What
About R-E-S-P-E-C-T?
On the flip
side, Levkoff feels offering an explanation -- even if it's a short one -- is
just part of being a standup woman or man. "It's nice to be able to say to
someone, 'Listen I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think this is
going to move forward in a romantic way,'" she said.
The
likelihood is that you're not going to feel great if a relationship ends, be it
one minute or a year. So a statement like that might hurt feelings, "but
it means they respect you if they care enough to be upfront with what's going
on," she said.
Plus, without
a conversation, you run the risk of a ghost coming back to life. "When
nothing else is going on those people tend to show up again, and then you're
like what happened for all that other time?," Levkoff said.
Writing about
the subject on The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O'Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the
time it takes to move on:
A simple
acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I
had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other
beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you
can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first
few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying
to figure out what went wrong.
At the end of
the day, Levkoff explained, it's each ghost for himself. "We have to take
ownership and hold ourselves accountable," she said.
It's not
them, it's you?
In the days
post-ghosting, the unanswered often retrace the ghost's steps, looking for possible
clues as to why he or she disappeared. "I don't get it, we had such a
great time on our date," or "He promised he would call! There were no
signs!" are frequent quotes that friends of ghosting victims hear.
But Behrendt
believes that's never the case -- there are always signs. "Part
of it is the way you set the relationship up, and what you allow to
happen so that somebody is going to be able to escape," he said. That's
the big problem with #kidsthesedays and relationships via text or Tinder or
Hinge. If the majority of your "relationship" takes place on one of
these platforms, there's a surefire sign that the receiver of your iMessages
might disappear. Rule of thumb, Behrendt warns: "If it's not in person,
it's not real."
But given
that not-in-person early courtships aren't going anywhere -- what's a woman or
man who wants to avoid being ghosted to do?
Ghosts don't
necessarily have personality patterns, and so, the onus is on you to be clear
and upfront. Echoing Behrendt's take, Levkoff said, "If we don't
acknowledge what we want right from the start, if the beginning of your
relationship is about texting back and forth and the conversation is fairly
benign and short, it lends itself to easy in, easy out she said."
That's one
place where dating sites and apps might actually lend themselves, she
explained. It's very easy to start a Tinder conversation with, "Hey, so
why are you on here?" for example.
Levkoff
advises throwing the idea that that type of conversation is
"off-limits" out the window. "I don't believe there are any
rules when it comes to love and sex and relationships. I think if there’s
something you want, you should be upfront about it. I don't think game playing
makes sense at all, and if someone doesn't respond well to directness, then they
weren't the right person anyway," she said.
And if your
potentials keep disappearing, take a step back and look in the mirror
(unless of course, you are the ghost, in which case, owning a mirror
would be quite silly). Ask yourself these questions: "Is there something
with the people you're meeting? What do they have in common? What are you
looking for that's causing the same outcome over and over again?," Levkoff
said.
Behrendt adds
a few more warning signs to watch out for: "Look at where he wanted to meet
you, look at what his plans were, look at how difficult he was to get in touch
with."
And if you're
unhappy with the answers to those prompts, rest easy knowing that even the most
notorious ghosts will change their stripes when the right person comes along.
Right, Casper?
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