Sunday, August 18, 2013

Waking up from Naptime

I've been in pathetic, whiny-girl mode for so long that I have forgotten what it is like not to be moody, bitchy, and self-absorbed.  I haven't been myself - at all.  I haven't been active or productive.  I just want to nap.  (Not even snack and nap; just nap.)

Time to snap out of it.

I'm not a quitter - and sometimes that's a problem.  I believe that you fight for what is right.  You fight for those you love. You fight to keep your relationships. You fight to maintain your friendships (that's never a problem, actually.)  You fight to keep it all together.  But at some point, all that fighting just wears you down and you realize that you've got to put faith in the Big Man Above and just let it go.  Let someone fight to be with me for a while.

I can wear a relationship into the ground in no time; mostly in an attempt to make it better.  I can't just let things go.  I would like to be one of those people that nothing phases, but just about everything does affect me.  I'm passionate about being passionate.  I get a thought stuck in my head and just dwell/chew on it until it is meaningless.

Mr. Clean got back on the scene. I shouldn't have let it happen.  But for the sake of second chances, I let him back in. He proved himself unworthy on the second round.  It was enough.  We had spent 2 hours a day talking on the phone while I was in the States; every day, all month.  Because of the time difference and Ramadan (and his sleep schedule), we talked to each other the first thing when we woke up and the last before going to sleep.  If I didn't call on time, he got upset.  He was sweet and loving and the guy that I remembered.

Coming back to Kuwait was a whole different story.  I guess he felt better with distance in between us.  Maybe he was free to do whatever he wanted while I was away and I couldn't complain about it.  When I got back, I complained.   He started ignoring me; treating me disrespectfully. Not coming to see me (he lives 5 minutes away).   He complained that I was complaining, "I want to feel free."  So, now he's free and I hope he's feelin' it. (Free, free, free!  Fly away, little bird!)   One should never have to ask for someone else to want to spend time with them.  "I'll see you soon.... Inshallah" doesn't cut it.

What happened to all the cute little notes he used to leave all over my house?  What happened to me making him breakfast in the morning because he was staying at my house?  ("Is your place magic?  I don't want to leave.")  What happened to the SMSs and flowers and pretty text message photos in the mornings or at night just because?  I went from that to being chastised for bringing him the wrong color Ray Bans from the States.  (Really?  Where is my Eid gift?  Are you serious?)

I'm taking some time off (from, at least,  telling people about my relationships).  I'm planning to be extremely busy and my calendar is already full for quite some time to come.  As my sister says, "You are funny, you're smart, you're in the best shape you've been in in years, and you've got a great ass.  You can do whatever you want."  All true.  Thank you for the AMAZING amount of support and motivational speeches you've given me lately, Caitie.  You've been a rock.

I feel like I've been in a deep fog for the past few months.  I don't really know how else to explain it.  Its like I've just been in "wait" mode.

My trip to the States with my family was nice, but I spent most of my time just being kind of out of it; suspended animation.  We had a little drama and that added to that feeling.  I can't say that I did much.  I should have taken care of more business while I was there; but didn't.  I just didn't get to it.  I should have called my friends; I didn't.  I should have seen my aunt again before I left: I didn't.

We went to the Outer Banks again.  The weather was bagorgeous, but the sea water was really cold (not that I get in there much because I'm afraid of bull sharks - and YES, they are out there and YES we have seen them!).  I played in the pool most of the time.  I tried in an unsuccessful attempt to get drunk most nights.  I guess I've just built up too much resistance.  I wished that Mr. Clean could have come with me. He was supposed to, but didn't get his visa.  Pero, everything happens for a reason.  I would have been piiiiiissed if I invited him and then he pulled his games over there.  Not cool.

Busy, busy, busy.  No more time to reflect on stupid things that won't make a difference to me in a month.

Desert Guy called me out of the blue the other night.  I don't want him back, but his timing was amazing.  He invited me to a party.  I declined.  It all comes back around, doesn't it?  I do miss our tent and living in the desert.  I don't miss anyone else - except maybe one guy who stayed clear of all the desert-drama.


Lauren of Arabia said...

Welcome back DG! Sometimes you have to go through a lot of wrong guys so when the right guy comes along for you, you can recognize him.

Desert Girl said...

Lauren, thanks, but I said that like 50 guys ago! :) LOL. Practice makes perfect I guess.

I can't really say what was different about Mr. Clean, but when I found out he was different from the rest of the guys I had practiced on, I thought I would still give it a try. Call it "thinking outside the box" if you will. Pero, didn't work. That's ok.

Lamya said...

Hello DG

This sounds all like typical arab guy syndrome : 'make-her-love-me-then-have-fun-then-find-virgin-to-marry' Im Saudi, and I know its worse for us, but I think to a certain degree all Arab guys are wired like that??! I have heard your exact story too many times.. And even for me, its hard to understand how my worth as a person or a partner has anything to do with whether I have had previous relationships or not. And here Im making the assumption that this guy was Arab, lol. Or sticking my foot in my mouth -either way I hope it gets a smile!

Point of the ramble? Errm, that you are courageous, someone who has.made their home far away from family and is enjoying it. You are awesome and deserve someone who tells you that and means it, every day for the rest of your life. The kind of guy who calls when he is late, takes you to the airport and cries because he isnt going to see you for a while, but still takes you anyways. The guy who wants to live together with you, just because he cant bear to not see you everyday. The guy who packs the dishwasher when you cooked and gives you a foot rub. And is hot to boot! Btw...he does exist :) hold out for your hero. nfl

Desert Girl said...

Hi Lamya,

I honestly don't believe that being a non-virgin had anything to do with it (in this case). He may come back around and ask me to marry him; certainly his family would like him to - as his dad has said as much. If he asked now, I would refuse (and several of my friends would beat me until the brink of death!) He has broken my trust. It is beyond repair.

My guy is younger than I am, and has never had an adult relationship before - which requires work. An adult relationship is like a marriage. You go through all the steps. You don't just drive around in your car with a girl, get a hamburger, and then drop her off again only to call each other on the phone later.

When a relationship becomes too much work (like a marriage), it is "fight or flight" and my guy chose (as many do) flight. Blame the "drama" on the woman when they can't handle the pressure. Why exert all the effort it takes to work through drama (to find happiness after being together for some period of time - after getting to know each other and compromising and supporting ) when you can just jump off and get a new relationship?

I think that the guys who run off to marry virgins are looking for an easy way out. They see subservient women as easier to control and less drama. And, perhaps they are right (at least in the begging). They don't have to WORK at the relationship. They assume (incorrectly) that it will be easy. However, as the wife becomes more jaded to the fairy tale that she thinks marriage is; as the marriage progresses (and perhaps she grows up and understands the dynamics of an adult relationship), hubby is going to realize that he's got the same problems - only this time, with a woman who he didn't choose by love, but by arrangement; and that now he's got responsibilities to (in the form of children, providing for a wife, etc.).

2 years is about the time when dude starts calling you back.

I think I would rather have a divorced man who already has children. He's been through it all; he knows how to value and respect a woman. And he understands that virginity isn't the key to his happiness.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Desert Girl said...

Lamya, I didn't even address your second paragraph. THANK YOU. Every woman (and man!) deserves the same.

Mr. Clean used to cook for me, put stuff in the dishwasher, help me clean, stayed with me more nights out of the week than not, and left me love notes all over the apartment so that I would find them later. Plus, he is indeed hot.

But all that stopped when he returned from Phuket. It got worse from there.

He hurt me once, I took him back. He hurt me now twice. I fell out of love.

The opposite of love isn't hate (which is kind of where I am right now - just angry angry angry). The opposite of love is indifference. I am getting to that phase. I think he has been indifferent to me for a while now and I just didn't realize it.

Life is fascinating. You never know what is right around the corner....