I've been in pathetic, whiny-girl mode for so long that I have forgotten what it is like not to be moody, bitchy, and self-absorbed. I haven't been myself - at all. I haven't been active or productive. I just want to nap. (Not even snack and nap; just nap.)
Time to snap out of it.
I'm not a quitter - and sometimes that's a problem. I believe that you fight for what is right. You fight for those you love. You fight to keep your relationships. You fight to maintain your friendships (that's never a problem, actually.) You fight to keep it all together. But at some point, all that fighting just wears you down and you realize that you've got to put faith in the Big Man Above and just let it go. Let someone fight to be with me for a while.
I can wear a relationship into the ground in no time; mostly in an attempt to make it better. I can't just let things go. I would like to be one of those people that nothing phases, but just about everything does affect me. I'm passionate about being passionate. I get a thought stuck in my head and just dwell/chew on it until it is meaningless.
Mr. Clean got back on the scene. I shouldn't have let it happen. But for the sake of second chances, I let him back in. He proved himself unworthy on the second round. It was enough. We had spent 2 hours a day talking on the phone while I was in the States; every day, all month. Because of the time difference and Ramadan (and his sleep schedule), we talked to each other the first thing when we woke up and the last before going to sleep. If I didn't call on time, he got upset. He was sweet and loving and the guy that I remembered.
Coming back to Kuwait was a whole different story. I guess he felt better with distance in between us. Maybe he was free to do whatever he wanted while I was away and I couldn't complain about it. When I got back, I complained. He started ignoring me; treating me disrespectfully. Not coming to see me (he lives 5 minutes away). He complained that I was complaining, "I want to feel free." So, now he's free and I hope he's feelin' it. (Free, free, free! Fly away, little bird!) One should never have to ask for someone else to want to spend time with them. "I'll see you soon.... Inshallah" doesn't cut it.
What happened to all the cute little notes he used to leave all over my house? What happened to me making him breakfast in the morning because he was staying at my house? ("Is your place magic? I don't want to leave.") What happened to the SMSs and flowers and pretty text message photos in the mornings or at night just because? I went from that to being chastised for bringing him the wrong color Ray Bans from the States. (Really? Where is my Eid gift? Are you serious?)
I'm taking some time off (from, at least, telling people about my relationships). I'm planning to be extremely busy and my calendar is already full for quite some time to come. As my sister says, "You are funny, you're smart, you're in the best shape you've been in in years, and you've got a great ass. You can do whatever you want." All true. Thank you for the AMAZING amount of support and motivational speeches you've given me lately, Caitie. You've been a rock.
I feel like I've been in a deep fog for the past few months. I don't really know how else to explain it. Its like I've just been in "wait" mode.
My trip to the States with my family was nice, but I spent most of my time just being kind of out of it; suspended animation. We had a little drama and that added to that feeling. I can't say that I did much. I should have taken care of more business while I was there; but didn't. I just didn't get to it. I should have called my friends; I didn't. I should have seen my aunt again before I left: I didn't.
We went to the Outer Banks again. The weather was bagorgeous, but the sea water was really cold (not that I get in there much because I'm afraid of bull sharks - and YES, they are out there and YES we have seen them!). I played in the pool most of the time. I tried in an unsuccessful attempt to get drunk most nights. I guess I've just built up too much resistance. I wished that Mr. Clean could have come with me. He was supposed to, but didn't get his visa. Pero, everything happens for a reason. I would have been piiiiiissed if I invited him and then he pulled his games over there. Not cool.
Busy, busy, busy. No more time to reflect on stupid things that won't make a difference to me in a month.
Desert Guy called me out of the blue the other night. I don't want him back, but his timing was amazing. He invited me to a party. I declined. It all comes back around, doesn't it? I do miss our tent and living in the desert. I don't miss anyone else - except maybe one guy who stayed clear of all the desert-drama.