Sunday, January 13, 2013

Virtual Relationships

I spent the weekend at the camp again in sub-zero temperatures.  It was NOT a warm and cozy couple of nights, and it wasn't because of the temperatures outside (which were sub-zero this weekend).  I think it was colder inside the tent - especially Friday night.  I should have slept with the dog, Rose.

DGy professed his love for me this weekend. (Relationshit tactic?)  I had already heard it from his friends, "He loves you" (giggles).  They think it's a big secret.  I'm a "Prove it" kind of girl.  I need the action to back it up, not just the words and so far DGy isn't scoring so well.  I don't hear the words unless I'm feelin the actions.

He's with me but he's not with me...

Rudeness:  Sitting next to someone (YOU consider special enough to be spending your valuable time with) and they pick up their phone (or phones in this case; his 3 phones:  BB, iPhone, and Samsung) or computer product, and start chatting.  I can understand if it is a quick thing; everybody checks their messages once in a while. I on and get off and get back to reality.  But when it goes on for hours and suddenly you're forming a closer relationship with the piece of lint you've been picking at than the human sitting next to you - Houston, we have a problem.

He takes his phones (yes, all 3) to bed with him.  He chats while driving, while eating, while watching TV, while talking to me.   He sometimes doesn't hear what I'm saying during a conversation because he's chatting with someone else.  Its constant and there is no end to it.  It isn't a small problem; it is more like obsessive compulsive disorder.  And this is just the beginning of our relationship;  It should be a happy time.

I respect who I am with.  If I choose (and it is a choice) to be next to someone and go to do things with them, I usually have my phone on vibrate or even turned off on the weekends.  I don't ever want to make someone important/valuable to me feel like they are second-best (which, I believe, is exactly the message that they convey by paying more attention to an electronic device than a real person).  Who I CHOOSE to be with should have my total attention/focus.

And who is he chatting with?  ShooShoo and Loody and Shoug (x-girlfriend).  The facebook accounts are full of friends like "Sweet Sara" and that kind (the kind who don't have a problem posing for the camera with tilted-head-pouty-faces-and-boobs-everywhere as if propped up with an unseen-to-the camera 2x4).  DGy:  "Do you expect me to ignore them (the girls, I suppose, not the boobs)?  I've known them for 10 years..."  Really?  When do I get to meet them?  (What's that?  They don't know about me?  hmmmm....)   Why isn't one of them with you right now as I am?  I haven't seen them around for the past months.  What's up with that?  Oh, did they make you coffee yesterday morning?  The day before?  Were they in the car with us?  The tent?  The apartment?   Did I miss something?  Oh, you mean they were all there, but virtually.  I see.

I know every relationshit has it's growing pains - especially in the beginning.  I don't argue that.  I'm the last one to bail for silly reasons, but... I don't consider this silly.  I usually try to work things out, so I did.

... .and got not the response I was looking for.

"This is my life (followed by Kuwaiti style, "Ufffff...." - translates to something being a burden.)"  He was put-out and acted like I'm some kind of 50's housewife who shouldn't be complaining to her hard-working husband.  "I don't have a girlfriend because I don't want problems..."  If you know me, docile and submissive are not words I comprehend;  So therefore, I'm a "problem."   I don't do, "sit back and take it because I'm a man and you're not."  Uh, no.

Bottom line is this:  Actions do indeed speak louder than words.  You can't love me if you don't respect me.

Welcome to the, "You will so regret this" club, my friend.  You will enjoy meeting the other members.  (The last member to join, Happy, was blowing up my phone around his birthday in December and then again around New Years Eve.  "Lonely" is one of the activities they offer at the YWSRT Club.)

(I've gone from a guy who wanted me to be in bed with lesbians to a guy who wants me to be in bed with a hundred virtual women.  Not fair.)

Will DGy be able to change?  Should I even consider it?  Is it going to be part of the puppy training?  There have been numerous articles about how social media sites are leading to divorce.  Is it cheating?  Should I consider it that or just let it go?

 I always try to seek out the reason why for everything. It appears that DGy himself isn't necessarily the reason why I was brought to him.  I think it was to bring my best friend, The Romanian, to find love with his cousin.  They are so happy together (Mashallah, Mashallah, Mashallah).  I love her guy.  He's a MAN.   He's doing everything he can to make her happy.  He's a great guy and I wish them the best.  He looked like he was going to cry when I told him that I'm going to leave DGy.  Habibi.


Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you here.
1. If you are in the company of someone (especially someone you are seeing) your attention should be on that person. Not your phone! Ok answering a call no problem. A text fine but chatting...not cool.
2. Having tons of girls he is chatting no.. you are either with your girl and only your girl or no girl at all! I had to break up with my ex fiance over this issue...its doesnt ever change. Trust me on that one.

I am now in the most loving relationship ever. We have been together for 5 years and happily married for one of those. what was the secret ingrediant? Love? NO! MUTUAL RESPECT ding ding ding.

When it comes to fb we are completely open a girl or guy adds one of us we discuss it first and what the past was with that person. If the other person is uncomfortable with it...end of dicussion its not accepted.

The way we see it is we are together forever, not all these other people. So its really not a loss. :)

Go with your gut girl. :)

Anonymous said...

Never trust a man with more than one phone, you shouldn't waste your time with this guy.

Anonymous said...

Ewww dump his ass. This kind of scum will never change. He can't live without ShouuGiii, Tota Al-M, and BamBiinaa.

Anonymous said...

You go DG!! There did seem to be some great potential with this one but good on you for remembering and sticking up for what you are worth!!!

Expat and the City said...

You should have stuck one of those phones up his @$$! :p

Desert Girl said...

Angelo, although I appreciate your comments and the fact that you took the time to voice your concerns, I think that it was better not to post, but to remain off-line; as I felt what you had to say was a little to personal in my opinion to post. Feel free to write to me anytime at my e-mail.

Anonymous said...

No Doubt that DGy is "Virtually" cheating on you; and if he can't accept change, then he's not worth it.

Obviously we are all not here to tell you what to do, we mostly voicing our thoughts as if we were in your shoes.

A dear friend told me once, if it feels not right, it's most probably not not right.

There's a difference between disrespect and lack of respect. With lack of respect, the other person is not intending harm but he/she is not into it. Whereas for the disrespect, the other person resulted in harm against his actions. In your case, this plainly a "disrespect".


Desert Girl said...

It is disrespectful.

I strongly believe that the person in front of you is the one you should focus on/show importance to.

I honestly tried. I'm not a quitter. I compromise. I told him how I felt and how it bothered me. It wasn't even that he was chatting with women - it was that I CHOSE to spend time with him and he ignored me - for hours at a time - because he was chatting with other people

I - well "we" because it was myself, The Romanian, and her sister - finally threw all our stuff in the car and hauled ass out of there.

When I told him how I felt, all of a sudden, I was another "problem woman." Really? I'm a problem? I think I tolerated a lot and was willing to compromise to an extent.

What I didn't know was that I was under the microscope: I didn't know it was some kind of competition to find the least problematic girl, so she could win the "prize" (as apparently he is looking for a submissive wife).

Does he think he's going to find one on a chat line?

I hope he gets phucked bigtime by some gold-digging, nagging, evil, legal-case-building biotch. Oh - and she would be wife #3. Wife #2 is a lawyer, so she's probably already got him by the cojones.

How many frogs do I have to kiss??? I'm so tired.

Anonymous said...

I feel you & I hear you. For how you feel, it must be hurting bad. From what I'm hearing, you are tired from second chances, yet you still believe in second chances.

The thing - though - his reaction when you conveyed how you felt "ignored", tells it all. He didn't bother to apologize, or even pretending. He was - in a way - so proud to be himself in front of you.

The funny/sad thing to me is that you are considering him a husband material when referring to "submissive wife", "wife # 2", etc. I doubt his actions reflects any maturity. In fact, I have this intuition that he was far interested in your "American" side then the person you are; to add to his collection.

I'm sorry Desert Girl to be such explicit on how I voice my views, but I hate to see you hurt and still hanging with a straw.


Desert Girl said...

J.D. -

Well said, my friend. Honestly, I'm not hanging on. I grieve the loss of the desert life much more than the man. I love who loves me. I respect who respects me. But - we were a little family of friends (and animals) out there and I can't even tell you how much I miss that right now.

Your word "collection" hits it on the head. He was probably interested in showing his friends that he had a foreign girlfriend/friend. "Look at me. Look what I can get..." or in the pure entertainment value of having someone completely different/a novelty in his life.

Why bother introducing me to his children and making me part of all that?? That's awful.

I'm not submissive. While I like a "take charge" kind of guy, I do NOT like a controlling type. He meant to demean and humiliate me (other women?). That's not my life. That's not who I am. That is not my worth.

And he is NOT marriage material. I think the phone bitches think that just because he has a big name, he is going to be a good catch. Noooo. Guess again.

As The Romanian says, "If it doesn't bring you joy, move on." That is a broad statement that applies to everything in life.

It takes me a few days - or even up to a week - to bounce back with resiliance. I'm already seeing both new and old friends and spending time in the desert in different areas.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to come back on the same subject, but you have nailed it on why the Kuwaiti community is crying out for help "GCC & Arabs, as well".

You said: "Why bother introducing me to his children and making me part of all that?? That's awful."

These are the values that we are teaching our young generations that it's alright to see "too" many people and never commit.

I fear for the our values, from such mentalities.

And yeah, for the your love to the Desert, I know. Escaping from reality is refreshing.


Desert Girl said...

Unfortunately, The Romanian is no longer with Teddy Bear (DGy's cousin). I think he was taking a cue from DGy and started treating her with about as much disrespect. She's not as forgiving as I am.

Anonymous said...

You provide a great service to the rest of us DG - thanks for that. It is as informative as it is entertaining. For those of us considering Kuwait, it is an invaluable resource. Anyway, if the romance blossomed maybe the blog would have it's an ill wind (joking of course). Having said that, I am sure you will have a great romance in your life ..keep the faith

Anonymous said...

its hard to find the right one, if he checks his phone(s?!) every sometime....he is not that intrested and wont die for ur love. believe me there is better...try some shy guys mostly they are better. (im a happy married guy)