Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Deceptively Happy

I debated about posting this because it's kind of whiny-girl, but WTF.


I have an extreeeeeeeeeeeeemely intelligent friend, Lawyer Dude, who is very well known in Kuwait (although his politics piss a lot of people off and I might just be one of them). He blows up Twatter(TM)  all the time.  He's the guy with the exclamation marks after everything!!!!  The Romanian and I have known him for years.  He runs in elite crowds with beautiful people.  He's not a snob (which is part of the reason why I love him so much).  He doesn't dress designer to try to impress others; he is who he is and he's secure about it.   He's a negotiator and tells it like it is.

He's how I met Happy.  Happy is one of his inner circle and closest friends.   They get together once a week and we've been going there on and off for the past 15 years.  Happy has always been there.  So, we know each other pretty dern good.

Very powerful/wealthy people aren't usually my friends.  Not because they're not nice or because I don't like them, but they have a different mindset.  My expectations/perceptions of "normal" don't usually correlate to theirs.  (There are exceptions of course.)  I have to be cautious around LD and his crowd not to be judgemental (guestlist has been known to include various forms of "talent" with a particular genre of "skillsets");  and further cautious not to feel like I/we are there for entertainment value and not purely for friendship (which can happen in those crowds,  as a lot of very wealthy people are also a lot of very bored people).

Because he is so intelligent, LD is also very insightful and perceptive; sometimes to the point of being scary - like going to a fortune teller who immediately knows intimate details about your life.   He KNOWS me (whereas I probably don't know 1/10th of the person he is).  He just gets me and is usually pretty verbal about it.  I like it.  He fascinates me.

I think he has known for many years that Happy and I would be suitable for each other.  He just knew and he never pushed until we "saw" each other.  And that's what happened; all these years later.  We found each other and we were there all the time.  I felt deceptively secure with Happy - especially since he has been a friend (if not distant friend) for so long.

Now, LD is perceptive enough to know what type of person I am and what my requirements are (which, compared to the group that they run with,  are very small in comparison).  What I do require is attention:  Pick up the phone when I call.  Send me messages to let me know you are thinking about me.  Show up when you say you will.  Unfortunately, Happy is scoring very low on all these points and it makes me sad (possibly because I am NOT a patient person).  He's a keeper.  I know it.  I am 100% convinced that this guy has the potential to be "him".   However, I'm a girl who believes in "how it is in the beginning will determine how it is in the end."  Show me.  It should be so easy.  And as an impatient person, my little voice keeps screeeeeaming in my ear, "Why wait?  Why wait?  Why wait?"

So, LD caught onto this when we were all together. (I got that, "I understand everything" look.)  He's always said that he could tell exactly what I was thinking by just looking into my eyes.  I admit it;  I don't have a poker face.  What you see is what you get.  I'm hoping that he'll be able to talk to Happy (because I've tried several times now) about it and maybe I'll get happy.  Upon preponderance of the evidence, I am left to debate whether the training curve and amount of patience I must invest will bring about a beneficial outcome; or if I should just take it at face value as a loose friendship and go about my own business.  I'm willing to pay LD's full hourly rate if he's willing to step in and arbitrate.


LD did step in and arbitrate.  He's a friend, so he didn't charge.

So since I first posted this, there have been developments.  Our relationship got a little stronger; mostly because Happy started showing long-term and definitive interest: "Will you help me re-decorate the apartment?  You pick out the fabrics.." "Let's go see your family at Christmas..." and the best of course which I guess they believe is the panty-dropper, "I think you are the one I have been waiting for..."  This in addition to offering to bring me groceries.  Good hachi, baby.  

But alas, I believe that the guy was just not into me after all.  Its too bad because he had a lot of good qualities that I admire. Sigh.  Unfortunately, he has the attention span of a gnat and probably (don't know but I'm just guessing by the talent) a few seedy vices that I don't even want to think about (refer to 4th paragraph).  Et.... I have a real problem with people who can't call.  If you're interested; prove it. Call me to make sure I got home safely.  Call me to say what's up.  Send me a message. I can see when you're online, dumbass.  And - OhMaGod - send flowers!  That would be amaaaazing.  (And probably what helped me stay with The Man for so long. Thanks baby.  I still love that you did that.  There were some things that you did for me that I'll never forget. Sometimes when things don't go well, I think of you.   I digress....)    If you F up, do something to show you're sorry.  Am I too much of an attention whore?  Are those things too much to ask?

Did I shave my legs for this??  

He was doing great on the communication until we got close; then it all became quiet.  Talk!  Got a text message from him saying our relationship is "purely friendship".  I got your friendship right here:  If you can't treat me right in a relationship, you don't deserve to be my friend.

(Expat, you called this one, girl.)  The Romanian is my BS barometer and she had him figured for a keeper.  Time for a calibration?


Desert Girl said...

I know this is a short post and not the entire story but I'm not happy about "Happy" not doing the basics like: texting, calling, answering your calls. Maybe I misunderstood your post but WTF? He's not good enough for you. I mean you are beautiful, smart as F and hilarious! Please don't settle for someone who can't make you really happy. I swear if I read one day that you have found a great guy that's good enough for you I am going to jump up and down. I really wish that for you. Expat and the City

Anonymous said...

DG, thanks for your post. I've been struggling post-breakup with a guy who sounds like he could be Happy's twin. I don't know if it's because I'm American and want everything now, but I completely agree with wanting phone calls, texts and communication from the person I'm with. And flowers! Yessssssssss! I mean, I don't think it's too much to ask.
For now, I'm taking a break from dating. I hope you find someone who truly makes you happy.

Desert Girl said...

Anonymous 10:17 -

I'm not a girl who is easily hurt, but this was a classic case of bamboozlement. I was on the runway for takeoff....oops, my bad for believing the OTT promises and allowing myself a false sense of security.

I don't know what's happening to men in this country. Is there a difference between Bedu and Hather guys? Girls - what do you think? It seems to me that Bedouin guys are a lot more attentive. Or doesn't it make a difference?

I don't think I'm impatient. I think I'm reasonable. Whatever.

Expat and the City said...

I think it depends on the guy. H is Hather and extremely attentive. Two of my besties are with Hather and ditto.

American Girl said...

I'm really sorry about this situation, DG. You definitely deserve all the little things you're asking for and I'm sure you'll find a man to give them. And no, you're not asking for too much! You're simply expecting normal behavior in a relationship. Sad to say it, but maybe if you started asking for gifts, money, and cars you would do better. It seems that's what 'love' in this country equates to -- buying someone for as long as you want to keep them around.

As you know, my preference was always bedu. They are not only more attentive but were also raised to feel a 'duty' and responsibility for a woman. Being the cause of a woman's tears is shameful to those of them who maintain those cultural values.

As always, wishing you the best.

Desert Girl said...

AG and Expat: You have always been completely supportive to me through the years and I hope you both know how much I value your friendship. Love youse!

Anonymous said...

Like you, DG, I'm not a girl who is easily hurt either, but I also got promised many things and they didn't happen, which was part of the reason I ended things. I keep thinking of the Shakira song where she sings "with my tears, you'd make a sea a desert." I'm sure you've seen the photo going around online with a picture of a girl that reads, "be with a man who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara." I sure would like to find a man like that someday, and I hope you do too!

Traveler said...

I have got to learn how to program my DVR so I can keep up with this. :)

Glad that in the end you found the the truth and didn't get taken in. I think men are predisposed to the way they treat women that more relates to the way the family raised them than their cultural background.

I hope you find what you are looking for until then I like the idea of you in the wild --

Expat and the City said...

Awww, thank you DG. I feel the same way. <3 Have a lovely weekend.

5hapimonkeys said...

Hi DG, sorry to hear about what you're going through.We can never be too sure about men, my courtship began as how you want it. Flowers, letters, phone calls, he would even follow me home just to make sure I made it alright. But after 18 yrs of marriage, 4 kids and constant deployments, I became more independent as what is expected from a military wife. His last deployment is Kuwait, one year was extended to two by his choice. On the second year, is when he cheated. He found someone younger, Filipino worker, who made him feel needed. Hence, he comes home for R&R and inform me he's in love with someone else. And since I seem to have things taken cared of at home, kids are properly raised, we don't need him here. We can move on as we are, he will continue to provide for us while he marries the other woman to give her a better life. WTF. Keep in mind our youngest is 4. We had a very strong beginning, we had a strong connection, we had a strong marriage (at least I thought we did), but none of that matters coz as he said, people change. He changed and even though he continues to care for me and love our kids, this new relationship he has is what feels right for him. According to him, "it's what God wants him to do".

We all deserve to feel secure, we all want to feel needed, only you who's in a relationship can know if the person is right for you. I still feel that my husband is the one for me but I can't hold on to someone who already left. I have to step back and let him throw away what we had coz holding on only brings more pain. This is probably so off your topic, but I do know how it feels to be a second thought.

Anonymous said...

Hey DG, I have lived here for just as long as you and only now saw your blog. Your honesty is refreshing. In regards to your entry on Hapy, I would strongly suggest reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Even if you have read it before, read it again and really read it. I am happily married but natuarlly being different sexes there are always differnt personalities and perceptions. So I read it, I thought what the hell why not. When I read it, especiialy read it during a relationship, it started to really help me understand things and not get so frusterated. I took notes and put them into play and honest to God, they worked. Then I asked my hubby to read it and he did and also put some of the things into play and it just made life wonderful. Give it a go, what do you have to lose. :)