I snore like a mofo. Always have. I musta been snoring in the womb. I'm not going to be shy about it (not that I'm shy about much). But, it seems like it has gotten worse lately and on several occassions, I've woken up and my tongue has appeared a weird shade of blue, leading me to wonder if evil smurfs are to blame or if I'm not getting enough oxygen. My mother thinks I may have sleep apnea.
The realization of my dilema was brought about when The Man said very kindly, "I don't mind your snoring. It's okay. But, I'm worried about you because it seems like you can't breathe." Translation: "You snore like a mofo. So loud, in fact, that it is causing cracks in the foundation of the bedroom. " He scored major brownie points by his nonchalant attitude, but again - this is the same guy who looked at me nekkid lately and told me that my ass is getting fat (NOT something you want to hear when you're nekkid). It is a delicate balance.
Desert Dawg has on occassion woken me up. She sleeps on my bed and is usually so quiet and treads so lightly that I never hear her. The times that she has woken me up have been when she is either staring at me at such close proximity that I can feel her doggy breath on me, or when the opera has been too much, bopped me in the face with her paw. "C'mon bitch, STOP!"
Ok, so here is my big question, Kuwait: Where in Kuwait do they diagnose sleep problems/apnea? I'm going to check with my medical staff. When you get to be "29," all of a sudden you don't just have a doctor, you have a "staff" (like Grey's Anatomy, only not as good looking).
House could come in and diagnose what I have. He'd say, "Have you ever had sex in the desert?" and I'd be all, "NO! Of COURSE I have not had sex in the desert." and then he'd be like, "LIAR! We did a yadayada test and we found traces of Dilmun-Sumerian camel dung dust on the inside of your lungs!" Everybody lies.
(What happens on the dig stays on the dig.)
Again, back to my question: Who diagnoses sleep disorders in Kuwait?
Then, my next question is: if they video tape me sleeping/singing opera like Luciano Pavarotti (God rest his soul), will it appear on YouTube?