Thursday, October 27, 2016

Moral Dilemma or Not?

Maybe you readers can help me out here.  I'm not really in an emotional state where I can handle too much more on my plate and I'm wondering what I should do about the issue below. (I learned, walking into work this morning, that our CEO - a guy who I really liked and admired - died of a heart attack last night. RIP, Haytham.  You were a good man and you believed in me when I wasn't sure of myself.  I learned more from him than I could have from any business school and I will never forget it.)



"The way they leave you tells you everything."

Coward!!!

As you know, I got dumped by the boyfriend.  (I should think of a catchy name for him, but all I can think of right now is "Asshole".)   But this was not after we had a business deal together where we would split the profit.  (I didn't write about this in the previous posts because I wasn't sure until now that it was intentional.  It was.  I have the evidence now.)   He actually took ALL the profit and then dumped me.  So, as you can imagine, I'm not knocking myself out too hard on blaming myself for the circumstances of the break up.  I also found out that he's one of those social media creeps that has multiple accounts and probably multiple women and maybe even multiple identities.  He lied to me a LOT.   Fine. Bygones. I did a lot of boo-hooing and crying and being upset (and freaking out my dog), but the reality is:  Now that I've stepped back and had a good ugly cry; I don't want him back now or ever.  (I posted about the break up in "Epiphany" and maybe I pushed him away, but dude - pay me before  you walk out!  I didn't push you THAT hard.  Man up, little girl! ... read on....)

His sister is one of my best friends.  I love her dearly. (More on that to follow)

I am considering filing a case for the money he owes me (as he refuses to return it or even acknowledge it).  I have a paper trail of bank-to-bank transfers which will help recover some of the money.  I do have a witness to some of the business dealings. The rest (cash given in hand) is my word against his.

If I file a case, because of some circumstances that I won't go into here, he is really going to be in a very bad position.  It will probably affect his future and lifestyle.  He could even face jail time.  So I have been putting it off.

Had he come to me during the break up and been an actual adult and spoken to me about this (and ANYTHING) instead of ignoring my many messages and phone calls, I might have worked it out with him.  He just left like a coward.  No discussion.  I sent him messages recently saying, "Please work out a payment arrangement with me or I will be forced to file a case."

Arrogance is one of his very strong lack-of-character traits.  His response, "I'm right.  Go to court." ("Right?"  Really?  Seriously?   I'm sorry, but no.  How is taking money from anyone "right?")

So my question to you readers is this:  Do I file a case and potentially ruin the guy's future or do I take the high road and let it go?

It wouldn't kill me to lose the money (around 2000 KD).  I'm not so concerned about how much I get back.  But - I feel like he did this intentionally to get one over on me and I'm not someone who backs down on her rights.

In his very few messages to me (and I feel this is intentional so there is no evidence of his wrong-doing) he said that he doesn't care about money and that he "just couldn't bear being with me."  Fine. But you usually know that pretty soon into a relationship - not like 6 months in.  And - I have known him for 3 years.  But again, if he had talked to me at the time about any of his issues with me like an adult would, we could have discussed it then - and even ended it as friends or people who might say hello on the street.

I had a hard time "bearing him" at times, but it was a new relationship.  I couldn't stand the fact that he kissed like a closed-mouthed chicken. (Me:  'Open your mouth.'  Him: "I don't like that."  WTF - are we in elementary school and you might get cooties?!)  Or that I had to initiate any intimacy (but God forbid never when he was watching television).  Or that he set rules for intimacy (OMG seriously?! Rules?  Either you're into it or you're not.  And these weren't the fun, 50-shades-of-anything type rules.  They were the type of rules that went like, "Only once a week."  Only this way or that way.... no snuggling, "I can't sleep." Bullshit.  If you don't want to BE there - leave!).   Or that I had to ask for his attention and time. "If I feel comfortable coming to you, I will."  He spent most of his time with his friends.  We had planned to get married (believe me, when he started spending more time with the friends, I knew it wasn't happening).  He said several times that he would buy me a ring.  Why doesn't your family know yet, then?  Why are you lying to them about where you are on the phone?  When are we getting married or at least engaged?  A girl likes to plan.  I was hoping to actually buy a dress and stuff.   "Stop being so controlling!  I AM the MAN!"   Okey dokey.   I can see how he couldn't "bear" being with me.  That is all so controlling and manipulative of me!   It was so terrible of me to lend him the money for the business deal (I got my part of the investment back, but not the profit).  It was so terrible and manipulative of me to help him in other ways.  Like the ten  Ralph Lauren Polo shirts (that' weren't up to his standard of quality), for example.

So things got serious.  He then asked me to take out a loan (his credit is bad) for a Lexus in my name and was very upset when I refused.  Whaaaat?  a Lexus?!  Seriously?  Now I'm onto his shit:  "Did you call your bank?  When can you do it?"  'Dude, my bank says that they don't see a ring on my finger or a marriage certificate and neither of our families know, so there is a delay...."  (In other words - phuck OFF!)

We broke up via his ceasing to respond to phone calls and messages and that was it.  He finally answered the phone one day about 3 weeks after the cut-off date and then hung the phone up on me.  I got my spare keys back from his family because he wasn't even going to do that.  Last thing I wanted was him to come around when I'm on the rebound with some other, non-chicken-lipped actual live human man.... (it could happen....)

Anyhoo, I put my feet up and I cracked open a can of whoop-ass and spoke to 2 lawyers and a legal expert.  I'm well within my legal rights....

When I announced to him that I was going to file a case for the money he owed me;  via text message (because he doesn't ever answer the phone), he sent my message to his sister (didn't reply to me), who immediately sent it to me and demanded to know why I would do that to her brother.  (She knew that he owed me money, but she didn't know details and she didn't know how much). She sent me a few messages back (communication issues must run in the family because she wouldn't answer the phone when I called).  She said, "Resolve it, but not in court!  Don't forget I am his sister.  If you lose him, you lose me."   Yo!  Did he give me a chance to resolve it?  I have asked him to call me or come see me to talk about a million times.  No answer.  Intentional!

 Now, I've lost a few friends lately and I seem to be on a roll. (I spend a LOT of time with my dog and now cat. I'm good....)   His sister has been a very dear friend to me - inviting me over when she knows I'm feeling blue because of her brother.  Listening to me rambling (but not in detail because why tell anyone your personal details?  What happens between a man and a woman is between them.) I don't ask her questions about what happens between her and her husband (and I told her this) so why is her brother involving her in our relationship unless it is to drive a wedge into our friendship (and obviously that was his intent and it has worked).  I told her if there is ANY way ANYONE could talk him into coming to me and resolving it amicably, my door and my phone is open.  Let him come and talk to me like a man.  I also told her that I am not her friend because he is her brother.  He has other sisters.  I'm not friends with them.  I am her friend because I genuinely like her.  But it seems like we won't be friends if I do anything to her brother in court.  If she's that good of a friend - why isn't she thinking of me and what he did to me?  If his intentions were good, we would still be together and he wouldn't have dumped me.  Or at the very least, he would have made arrangements to pay me back.  I've always been responsible.  I can't stand owing people money.  I wouldn't even take money from my parents.  I can't imagine walking around with that, but then I am a different animal I guess.

There have been cases about this type of fraud/swindling in the Kuwaiti media:  men making promises of marriage, etc. and then taking money from the woman (some women have even been stuck with large loans).  Many Kuwaiti women won't file charges because it is embarrassing for them and their families.  I'm not easily embarrassed and my family would support whatever I decide (but they would probably tell me to take the high road and forget I ever met him/them).  I don't know if I should (?)  Maybe he doing this to other women?


So, should I sue his ass or not? 

Post a comment or send me an e-mail:  amerab@gmail.com
If nothing else, your answers will be entertaining and I'm sure supportive (even if they are in Kick-My-Ass style!)

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

There is a very prominent line between right and wrong, and he clearly falls in the latter. I don't personally believe in "taking the high road", you have every right to claim whats rightfully yours disregarding the consequences he might face. He is not your burden anymore, its not your job to worry about his future, he should have known better. Excuse me for saying this but he has taken you for a fool and you are letting him get away with it. If his sister/your friend cared for you, she would put aside her connection to the whole dilemma and asked you to do whats best for YOU, not her brother.
I hope this makes sense to you, as a girl who has her fair share of experience with men, I tell you this: always put yourself first whether it was the beginning, middle or end of the relationship.

Adl A said...

Now this is a dilema. Morally speaking, someone who does some wrong should receive some kind of punishment, so of course, in an ideal world, with an ideal legal system, you are obliged to take this issue to legal system.
But alas, ours is not an ideal world. The legal system is messy, expensive, and time/energy-draining. There are sums of money which legal action is worth the effort. Personally, for 2k kwd, i'm not sure myself if i would go through the trouble.
However, if your goal is to rid society of a fraud (a noble goal btw), either by teaching him a lesson, or by drawing public attention to him, then the justice system is just "one" of the methods that can accomplish that.
in essence, there is no real moral dilemma here; as a person you are morally obliged to right all wrongs committed towards you; as a member of society you are morally obliged to take all the steps necessary to keep that society from the harm of individuals - this applies to all members who witness the wrongdoing. Translating these principle into practical steps is where the difficulty starts....
Best of luck..

Anonymous said...

Sue

Qusai said...

From what i've read, i believe you should 'let it go'(that song is now playing in my head). On the other hand, if he doesn't care about you, you should not give a rats ass about his future. But then again, you seem too good to take him to court. I believe, you too dont want to drag his ass to court cuz you are done with his crap amd that you dont want to see his face again. Be the bihher peson here. Think of the money gone as charity that you did (although that is a huge amount) but charity should always be done that way.

Being a guy, i'd repeat the worda of the person above me.. ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

Wish you all the best. Hope you don't ever find a guy like him again.

PS: Love your blogs. Good going!!

Daneris said...

Well I have to agree with anonymous that he clearly has done you very wrong in a business venture. In my opinion whether or not to go to court would be a matter of how much money was lost. If it was a "small" amount, which is a matter of perspective I would not bother because it would keep the wound fresh while the trail went on. Also there is the matter of legal expenses, I don't know if it's possible in Kuwait to ask that the money spent on legal expenses be included in the judgement.


Maybe there is a third option, speak to his mother and father. I am not familiar with the culture in Kuwait but explaining the situation to the parents might just cause them to push him into doing the right thing. Of course this would largely depend on how open their eyes are to who their son really is.

There are some people who see the positive and negative in their adult children easily and there are others who can see no wrong. You have known him for some time and as such you may have a good idea of how they are. You could even ask your friend his sister about it because even if it backfires on you it would still be less messy for him and you than going to court.

I find it hard to believe that this is the first time he has done such a thing. I wonder if his parents and family in general are aware of past dishonorable business ventures on his part/breaking of agreements. That being said even if his parents decide to help you it may do nothing to persuade him. There is only so much parents can do and they have to be capable of experiencing shame for this to work.

Anonymous said...

My suggestion is to keep your friendship with the sister. Tell her - if you really are my friend you will sort this shit out that her brother is done. Is she really cares about you as a friend the way you treat her, she will get it sorted. If she sort of dilly dallies, then its time to break the friendship and go ahead and sue the guy. Money is hard earned in the desert heat of Kuwait. If you are in trouble, nobody is going to give you even 1 KD. That 2000 KD is better in your bank account for a rainy day when you have to retire and leave Kuwait permanently.

Anonymous said...

It seems to me that only one of the two parties has got emotion blurring the clarity between what's legal or illegal, and that's you. The ex's side clearly has no emotion invested in this matter. In fact, it's even worse: your friend is (knowingly or unknowingly) using emotional blackmail to try and prevent you from taking legal action against her brother.

Apologies for being blunt, but what it comes down to is whether you want your heart or your head to make the decision about whether or not you want to pursue justice as the victim of what sounds like a financial crime. Pursuing the legal option will probably give you a sense of satisfaction and closure when its over, whatever the outcome. It probably will involve letting go of the emotional blackmailer, though, and that doesn't seem like such a bad thing from where I'm standing.

The heart needs to mend too, but that's on a separate and independent track, not to be mixed up with the legal one.

TisMe said...

You know i've seen many guys in kuwait that arent ashamed of saying " o man i got her so attached i got 1000KD " or whatever amount . As a guy this is so sickening , Sue his ass .
As for his sister, if she's not rational about it fuck it , you dont need her. and finally, desert girl, SUE HIS ASS.

Piece of advice to all you ladies "or you guys, scammers comes with a cat too" have your back covered if you give someone money have a check for it!

Desert Girl said...

GREAT comment, anonymous! I have received several similar emails and I have decided to go forward with a case. Thanks!

Hebah Dwidari said...

Do what you think is right for you/ just be sure it'll be worth your while. good luck

Omani Princess (not Omani...yet) said...

loyalty to family is one thing... but morals should go before even that.

Sue him. Teach him a lesson. Not to mess with a woman again like she's all weak and a push over.

tom said...

Sue.

He screwed you out of 2000KD. Lets us a bigger number to put in in a different perspective. He screwed you out of $7000USD, meaning he put $14,000USD in his pocket on a business deal that was supposed to be a 50/50% split.

He gets $14,000USD and you get nothing on a 50/50 deal.

I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably did 80% of all the work involving this deal?

Glad you made a case against him, but my guess is if he cant get a loan to buy a car, you wont get much restitution from him by the time all the dust settles because the money will be gone.

Sorry for the bad thoughts but hoping for the best with you.

Cali Girl 86 said...

Sue him - I'm pretty sure he is doing it to other females, or will in the future if he gets away with it.

p.s - wow, he is a total scumbag.

Desert Girl said...

Here are the e-mail comments. Everyone has been so kind to take the time to write to me with their different perspectives. I really appreciate it and at a low point, it has been very supportive and strengthening.

Comment 1

I just finished reading your post moral dilemma or not and i am really sorry to hear what happened between you and the guy. I dont know if you remember me or my email adress but I have been following your blog since 2010 and writing you from time to time sometimes asking for help. I will not talk about myself or my story a lot. Just wanted to tell you what i think about the action you should take against this guy. Please, for God's sake, go to the court and sue him so that he cannot screw up other peoples life by playing with their dreams. I wish that he will be punished both in this life and after life for what he has done to you too. It is a long story why i get so angry at those people who let you dream and build a universe of happiness first and then step back and leave you all alone but in short, i really got mad at that guy even if i have never met him. But it is clear that he is a liar and a cheater and a mean person and those type of people deserve suffering as well. We, as good people, shall not lose everytime. Sometimes we should win too.

Comment 2

I will just write my thoughts as it comes without a review if I was in your situation where it is common in kuwait that in a relationship (in our culture is marriage) not the western one usually the whole family get attached to the relationship that's why his sister is doing or going to do so if you file a law suit against her brother I have been there and still my ex family don't talk to me although we used to be close before me getting married any how legal should be last resort if all failed no one can judge this better than you your the one who's experience the dilemma and all drama in ur life I would assesst the situation see how will it affect me. I have been following ur blog for lk g time ur not here for money only ur somehow attached to the country so it not pure financial why your are and I don't want to judge anyhow asses the situation see the impact that it will affect you if u go ahead with the law suit and you can always get new friends though to get am honest one is a rare thing these days except some of the few who you grew up with hope I am made some sense and didn't confuse you

Desert Girl said...

Comment 3

In true DG fashion, last post was a classic. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry - so I did both - occasionally at the same time. So sorry, girl. So much crap all at once. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh The answer is obvious - and it isn't sue - it's pop a cap in his balls and watch him wiggle in agony. But short of that, sue.

Comment 4

just read your blogpost and i'm out of words. sorry but he's a real asshole! there are other ways to get your money back (which you should, doesn't matter how much not a single penny for him or anyone else). considering your previous court experiences i'd suggest you take the other ways because i think your legal consultants are useless (sorry). your previous case too is badly handled which could've been solved in two hearings but bad representation ruined it all. i don't know how did you reach to those ppl but whoever referred you to them aren't your friends. they see a western lady and all they want is advance payment that's it. hit him where it hurts the most, a court case won't do him anything unless you really want him to suffer.

Comment 5

This guy knew what he was doing all along. People don't just wake up one day and realize they don't want to be in love anymore -- he simply wasn't as in love as he was leading you to believe. He knew he was going to end it and may have even had a time frame he planned to do so. Therefore, he figured he would get everything from you he possibly could before that time came. And, while getting from you what he could he may have been getting from other women as well.

File a case. He didn't care about your past, present, or future, why should you care about his? His actions brought him here -- not yours. Whatever happens as a result of the case is because of what HE did, not what YOU did.

Comment 6

I know exactly how you're feeling and the feeling of being used sucks a big ass. But to feel you've been used and then the asshole doesn't even have the decency to answer your calls (even if you just want to scream at him for being an asshole) makes it even worse. You feel as though you gave and gave (because that's what normal people who love one another do) all while he was not just taking and taking, but taking with an agenda. You gave the real you, he gave the fake him while taking the real you. It leaves one feeling vulnerable and questioning why people continue to view our kindness as a weakness. Hell, I even questioned whether or not my kindness WAS a weakness!

That being said keep in mind your goal right now isn't to get the money back. It's to get revenge. I totally get that and I even applaud you. So, is your idea of getting revenge the total and complete annihilation of someone's life? Because you know, in his case (as a Bidoon) it could be earth shattering. Or, is your goal to hurt him on the same level he hurt you? I suspect the latter. You're not mean, you're hurt. So how can you get back at him where it really hurts?

Nawaf AL-Rudaini said...

First of all: sorry for the loss of your boss. My boss passed away of a heart attack 3 months ago and it hit me hard, as I worked with him for 15 years and was a great supporter to me. May they both rest in peace.

As for the scumbag, you have to be considerate of either A) your feelings and state of mind; or B) his feelings and state of mind. If he was a "decent" guy that you don't want to lose, then its worth it to take the high road and forget what he did. But apparently he isn't. People like him need to be taught a lesson. This lesson is probably not going to hurt his pocket, but will hit his ego. Take his sorry ass to court and let him "hopefully" learn a lesson.

Sonia said...

I say u kick his ass so he knows that he messed with the wrong person. File a case against him and make him pay for what he did to you or many more women out there.

Anonymous said...

This post was alarming because this is the third incident I have heard where local men date women with the sole intention of extracting money using their relationships as bait. I had a friend take out a loan for a 'business venture' where the guy then proceeds to blow the entire amount on an exotic vacation WITHOUT the girl who gave him the money.

#kuwaitiscam

I'm glad you have the courage to sue his pathetic ass.

Crazy in Kuwait said...

Girl, take his ass to the cleaners! I am so sick of these useless so-called men taking advantage of women. It's about time someone showed them what can happen.

aqader316 said...

sue him and demand for mental stress damages too!!