I'm calling him, "Mr. Big" because he's a big guy. I love that. It makes me feel more feminine/girly. I have said it before and I will say it again - I adore this guy. He is all that I really want in a man. And it has nothing to do with money, business or looks (although I think he's gorgeous I don't think he sees himself that way). It is HIM. He is fascinating and funny and I could talk to him for hours. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he sits next to me. I love the way his mind works; he's so quick that he immediately responds to anything I say. It's hard to find that kind of quick banter and it (along with a great sense of humor) are signs of a very intelligent person.
... if only he would let me into his world. Our time together was at my home. He lives alone. He met my friends. Saw where I lived. We only went out to dinner once. (Yeah yeah yeah - my inner jaded-woman voice says that there is another woman in the picture, but I am trying hard not to believe that. I want to keep positive thoughts in my head. It's hard.)
When I met him, he said he was looking for "that perfect girl." Maybe I'm not his idea of perfect. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be. We are all unique and different and all of us have flaws...
When you first start a relationship, you want to get to know the person. That becomes very difficult if that person doesn't allow you to. "I'm too busy" translates to "I'm just too busy for YOU." - you know your place on their schedule. How can you start a relationship by pushing the other person away? I know he's a busy guy, but if you care about someone - especially in the beginning - you make time to get to know them. I'm busy. If someone doesn't make an impression immediately, I'm usually not going to stay for long. Impress me. Begin as you mean to continue.
If he wants you in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.
I usually put up barriers and walls, but his were seemingly inpenetrable.
I hate to ask a man when I can see him. I hate to call if he tells me he's busy (which is all the time). You saw the post (I can see you between x day and x day and x time and x time). That is a one-sided relationship and I'm an after-thought. And - call me old-fashioned, but I really want the guy to call me. He travels a lot, so on his last trip, he sent me text messages. When he returned, I made a (I admit this:) passive-aggressive flippant remark about, 'Is there something wrong with your phone that you couldn't call me from there?' Mmm. The response (mean!) wasn't what I was hoping and I felt like I had hit a wall. (Seriously, I just wanted to hear his voice.)
He came over to talk - maybe after hearing my reaction to his reaction. It had been a month since I met him. I thought since we were having long conversations about everything else in the world that maybe I could breach the topic of exclusivity.
I deal in the world of contracts. The ones I hate the most are the ones where we are not exclusive; we have to compete on the same contract (once awarded) with multiple vendors. I can never provide the right level of service if I'm not exclusive. Just sayin...
Bam. Again, the response was not at all what I was hoping for. 'Is it just you and me (while I was sitting on his knee, staring into his big, dark eyes)?' ... (here it comes, girls... get ready for this one because after all these years, this is a FIRST for me....) "I don't have anyone now, but if the opportunity presented itself, I might be with someone else." (I can't quote that verbatim because I was so distraught and trying not to cry that I couldn't catch the exact words.)
Dude, I am sitting on your knee with my arms wrapped around your neck and you theoretically just body-slammed me, WWF-style, into the floor....
You know, I remember some men strictly by quotes or actions that have stuck with me over the years. There was, "The guy who peed in my bidet." "The guy who did an obscene act in my living room." (I'm not writing what I really call him but the terms initials are J.O.) And then of course most recently, "That big fat liar." (There are more, but you get the point.) Years later, their real names are irrelevant. Faces blur. Positive things that they may have done or said become obsolete because it is only the negative things that most people (me?) tend to remember.
I vaguely remember Mr. Big telling me that I was beautiful. I will not remember that. It is of no consequence. We remember the negatives. 'So I've been told.' is what I said. (What I usually think when I hear that is that they are just saying it so I don't feel bad about my body flaws.)
And ok - why does my beauty (inner or outer) matter at that point? I'm not special. I'm not the one. You just cut the line and the fish is swimming away. How do you go back from that point?
Unfortunately, I will remember him by the quote (unless, in the HIGHLY unlikely event that he makes some huge turn around and a grand gesture and things work out. Realistically, indecision is a decision):
"I don't have anyone now, but..."
WHO says that?! You can think it, but who actually says that out loud? He's incredibly intelligent. So how would he think that it was even slightly appropriate or acceptable? He might have said something like, "This is going to fast for me. Maybe we should just see how it goes and get to know each other better." That would have been ok. Then maybe we could have continued. But Oh.My.God - what do you do? Why not just say, "You're not good enough. If someone better comes along, I'ma gonna do her." (Ergo my theory that most men here are constantly looking for the next-best-thing and have zero clue as to the value of the person they are with NOW.)
Or.... was he pushing me away because things were going to fast? Did he say it intentionally? ("Do you think you can be pushed to attain your goals without some kind of pain to get you there?") Poop! Why do I constantly over-analyze everything? Why can't I just walk away from it? Frickin chick genes!!! RRRR.
Emmm.... There has been no apology or phone call or anything to let me believe that he even sees that this was hurtful or mean (or wrong); proving my point once again, that I'm not his idea of "special."
This all makes me sad because I really did think that he was special.
Since we work in buildings next to each other, I'm sure our paths will cross and that I will act with the same dignity I give everybody. However - that quote will be shouting loudly in my head as I smile and walk by.