Monday, December 14, 2015

That guy who.... (the Mr. Big post)

As a follow-on to my post, "Why is it so difficult to have a normal relationship in Kuwait?" below... the guy that I really like (let's say it was "pre-love") and I got together to talk.

I'm calling him, "Mr. Big" because he's a big guy.  I love that.  It makes me feel more feminine/girly. I have said it before and I will say it again - I adore this guy.  He is all that I really want in a man.  And it has nothing to do with money, business or looks (although I think he's gorgeous I don't think he sees himself that way).  It is HIM.  He is fascinating and funny and I could talk to him for hours. I love the way he looks at me.  I love the way he sits next to me.  I love the way his mind works; he's so quick that he immediately responds to anything I say.  It's hard to find that kind of quick banter and it (along with a great sense of humor) are signs of a very intelligent person.

... if only he would let me into his world.  Our time together was at my home.  He lives alone.  He met my friends.  Saw where I lived.  We only went out to dinner once.  (Yeah yeah yeah - my inner jaded-woman voice says that there is another woman in the picture, but I am trying hard not to believe that.  I want to keep positive thoughts in my head.  It's hard.)

When I met him, he said he was looking for "that perfect girl."  Maybe I'm not his idea of perfect.  I'm not perfect.  I don't want to be. We are all unique and different and all of us have flaws...

Including him.

When you first start a relationship, you want to get to know the person.  That becomes very difficult if that person doesn't allow you to.  "I'm too busy" translates to "I'm just too busy for YOU."  -  you know your place on their schedule. How can you start a relationship by pushing the other person away?  I know he's a busy guy, but if  you care about someone - especially in the beginning - you make time to get to know them.  I'm busy.  If someone doesn't make an impression immediately, I'm usually not going to stay for long.  Impress me.  Begin as you mean to continue.

If he wants you in his life, he'll put you there.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.

I usually put up barriers and walls, but his were seemingly inpenetrable.

I hate to ask a man when I can see him.  I hate to call if he tells me he's busy (which is all the time). You saw the post (I can see you between x day and x day and x time and x time). That is a one-sided relationship and I'm an after-thought.   And - call me old-fashioned, but I really want the guy to call me.  He travels a lot, so on his last trip, he sent me text messages.  When he returned, I made a (I admit this:) passive-aggressive flippant remark about, 'Is there something wrong with your phone that you couldn't call me from there?'  Mmm.  The response (mean!) wasn't what I was hoping and I felt like I had hit a wall.  (Seriously, I just wanted to hear his voice.)

He came over to talk - maybe after hearing my reaction to his reaction.  It had been a month since I met him.   I thought since we were having long conversations about everything else in the world that maybe I could breach the topic of exclusivity.

I deal in the world of contracts.  The ones I hate the most are the ones where we are not exclusive; we have to compete on the same contract (once awarded) with multiple vendors.  I can never provide the right level of service if I'm not exclusive.  Just sayin...

Bam.  Again, the response was not at all what I was hoping for.  'Is it just you and me (while I was sitting on his knee, staring into his big, dark eyes)?' ... (here it comes, girls... get ready for this one because after all these years, this is a FIRST for me....)  "I don't have anyone now, but if the opportunity presented itself, I might be with someone else." (I can't quote that verbatim because I was so distraught and trying not to cry that I couldn't catch the exact words.)


Dude, I am sitting on your knee with my arms wrapped around your neck and you theoretically just body-slammed me, WWF-style, into the floor....

You know, I remember some men strictly by quotes or actions that have stuck with me over the  years.  There was, "The guy who peed in my bidet."  "The guy who did an obscene act in my living room." (I'm not writing what I really call him but the terms initials are J.O.)   And then of course most recently, "That big fat liar."  (There are more, but you get the point.)  Years later, their real names are irrelevant.  Faces blur. Positive things that they may have done or said become obsolete because it is only the negative things that most people (me?) tend to remember.

I vaguely remember Mr. Big telling me that I was beautiful.  I will not remember that.  It is of no consequence.  We remember the negatives.  'So I've been told.' is what I said. (What I usually think when I hear that is that they are just saying it so I don't feel bad about my body flaws.)

And ok - why does my beauty (inner or outer) matter at that point?  I'm not special.  I'm not the one.  You just cut the line and the fish is swimming away.  How do you go back from that point?

Unfortunately, I will remember him by the quote (unless, in the HIGHLY unlikely event that he makes some huge turn around and a grand gesture and things work out.  Realistically, indecision is a decision):

"I don't have anyone now, but..."

WHO says that?!  You can think it, but who actually says that out loud?  He's incredibly intelligent.  So how would he think that it was even slightly appropriate or acceptable?  He might have said something like, "This is going to fast for me.  Maybe we should just see how it goes and get to know each other better."  That would have been ok.  Then maybe we could have continued.  But Oh.My.God - what do you do?  Why not just say, "You're not good enough.  If someone better comes along, I'ma gonna do her." (Ergo my theory that most men here are constantly looking for the next-best-thing and have zero clue as to the value of the person they are with NOW.)

Or.... was he pushing me away because things were going to fast?  Did he say it intentionally?  ("Do you think you can be pushed to attain your goals without some kind of pain to get you there?")  Poop! Why do I constantly over-analyze everything?  Why can't I just walk away from it?  Frickin chick genes!!!  RRRR.

Emmm.... There has been no apology or phone call or anything to let me believe that he even sees that this was hurtful or mean (or wrong); proving my point once again, that I'm not his idea of "special."

This all makes me sad because I really did think that he was special.

Since we work in buildings next to each other, I'm sure our paths will cross and that I will act with the same dignity I give everybody.  However -  that quote will be shouting loudly in my head as I smile and walk by.

Unless ...

You know, it's all about respect.  If you're not getting it, that person isn't special.


Anonymous said...

|Relax for a bit now.. when time comes you will find someone who will feel special to be with you. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're racist or anything , but sometimes I get this feeling you have restricted yourself to only arabs/kuwaitis in general or white guys . I don't wanna generalize but I've been following your rants/blogs/posts for a long time and the picture of all the men you meet or date turn out to be players . Is money and flashy things really that important a criteria for you cause you keep stating that isn't cause you can buy all the things for yourself . Why don't you broaden your horizon and go for other men ?

Desert Girl said...

Anonymous 4:44 (the time of angels!): Thank you. That is very kind and I appreciate the support.

Anonymous Dec 16 @ 10:00: I'm not a racist, but everyone has a preference on who they are attracted to. If I met someone out of my attraction-zone who caught my attention, I would have no issues with dating them.

Now, if I can armchair-analyze your comment: What makes you believe that Arabs/Kuwaitis/white guys all have money and flashy things? And why would you assume that I would make that a criteria when you have stated that I have stated that it isn't a cause for me? Some of the men I've dated have asked me for support in the past and/or have very little material things to offer anyone. I think that your comment was a little presumptuous.

Anonymous said...

sometimes i feel like i am from another planet. i guess that this earth and those earthlings are really not good for me. i wish that everything could be like they show on movies. you love only one person and get older together and then die one day but meet in heaven for a happy ever after life.

Anonymous said...

i say relax and go for a ride with your dog and listen to this song.. see right through Ft. Egyptian lover ...good song to cruise to ... have a great weekend

Desert Girl said...

This was a lovely personal message sent to my e-mail (and I hope that he doesn't mind that I'm posting it here):

This person was very honest to the extreme. Take solace that what they said about your beauty and past comments in your good times was genuine. To tell a person something like that is like when somebody says I am chubby or talk to much etc. It hurts but at least unless they are trying to hurt me intentionally they are at least honest with me. I appreciate it wasn't the feedback you were looking for.

Unfortunately it is lonely at the top, and the more talented, attractive and better catch you are often the harder it will be to find your ideal partner. With that said when you do it will be fabulous. The guy may have found a 9 in you but he wants to keep the 10 option open. Sometimes white lies are best nobody is a 10 not even ourselves. But it would be nice to be the world to someone at least

View your past relationships for the positives and build on them, and build yourself for your future match. It seems you are a very intelligent and analytical person. You should be a poker pro or something - it's rare to see someone think so deeply. All the best.

adl said...

I always wondered why the question of exclusivity comes so much later after getting intimate (not necessarily sexually) with someone? Should there be an investigative session along the lines of "you wanna date me then these are my conditions...can you handle them?" before the first real date?
A girl did that to me and i thought it was brilliant. :)
Too bad she had to relocate soon after...

Desert Girl said...

Adl - I agree. And I thought I had made myself clear from the beginning. Obviously I was wrong. Short of writing a contract or formal memo of understanding... I am direct and clear.

Desert Girl said...

I do want to mention one thing: honestly should be a given. I expect honesty. Im not going to give anyone reward for honesty. But rudeness and being uncompassionate I won't tolerate.

Anonymous said...

This post is Very funny, reading it made me think how we act little girls when we like someone of oposite sex. But anyway, my point is if you Really want him, work for it, be there for it. Are the man who Really have to start everything? I dont think so, and who know his right perfect person is someone who can like him, be loyal to him, be available to him , understand him more than himself. Relationship are like work, you have to work hard for it sometimes not everytime, But if he isnt acting you should do só...
My own experience, im not arab and i will Mary a Kuwaiti men soon, i m the one who had to say we should be girlfriend, boyfriend, we should Mary, we should get engaged.. There im engaged. Só U want it go for it, U have nothing to lose just to win.
Good luck

Daneris said...

There was an episode of Oprah where she said if a man shows you who is believe him. If man Tells you who is and what he is planning and it's not good then you better run. She said it much more eloquently then I am remembering it. As you have noticed if a man wants to be with you he will make that clear in actions and in words. Especially if you are dealing with a middle aged or older man.

It's rarer for a man to come out and say something like Mr. Big said to you it's usually done through actions. Many people make excuses for that man because we are taught to believe you can change a man into who you want him to be. Even after a man says plainly who he is and exactly how little we mean to them a part of us starts making excuses maybe it meant something else, maybe he needs a little more time. The truth is that he did us a big favor by saying the truth and we should believe it.

Desert Girl said...

Daneris - Oprah's words are very true. I was definitely not trying to change Mr. Big (and therefore the reason why we aren't together). You know the saying, "many a truth is said in jest?" Yeah - believe dat. A few of his off-the-cuff comments hit home.

I'm already over him.

Desert Girl said...

Here is the latest update on Mr. Big:

He trolls social media for women for short-term flings. He is looking for fun, but his hook is "Seeking a long-term relationship. Looking for the perfect girl for travel, going out." That's what we women want to hear.

I'm sorry. I just didn't translate it well enough. The reality is: I want to come to your house and hook up. I'm going to travel - alone. I'm going to go out - without you, but with my friends.

See - I took him on face value. I also judged him favorably because he knows an EXTREMELY decent mutual friend of mine who would never consider doing something like this. I judged him by association of a decent man. I thought he was the same. My bad.

NOTE TO BIGGY: You have daughters. Would you want a man treating them like this? Is this all that they are worthy of? Because Karma is a bitch. I've seen her work and it is truly poetic. I wouldn't wish ill of you or anyone else, but I can predict trends. This one is not going to work favorably for you. Think of your girls and be honest with yourself and others.

I saw him yesterday and had no feeling at all for him. Said hello. Smiled. Walked away with dignity. All the time thinking how low-class he is. Que cera.

Mr. M said...

Desert Girl December 17, 2015 at 10:03 AM Maybe it was a little presumptuous. But all I'm saying is broaden your horizon and the harsh truth is most kuwaiti men are looking for flings and you afaik are looking for something long term . Plus your latest update just sums it up.

BTW I'd love to meet you some day . Hahaha I know its a moonshot but why not .