Monday, September 26, 2016


I have been quiet about relationships for a while now.  I've been dating a lovely man for the past 6 months.  I will call him, "Wazza" because he's always calling me, "Butta" which can translate to "duck" or "chubby" depending.  I think he's using both terms.

I didn't want to jinx myself by saying anything - even to my family.  It had been going so well.  Every morning he would call me just as he woke up and he would call the last thing before he went to sleep. During the day, we texted each other constantly and he picked up the phone on the first or second ring every time - no matter where he was or who he was with.  He EARNED my trust.  And this even went on while I was in the States on vacation.

Everything was going great.  Until he stopped calling and stopped texting. I blamed him.  I really did.  We were discussing something and we had a little minor (I though) argument. He said that I had made several mistakes lately and he would talk to me about it, but after I had calmed down a little.  Well, I did something stupid and turned my phone off.  He called only once the next day and I was still angry with him.  He stopped calling.  Then I blocked him so I don't know if he called back or not.  Then I unblocked him (so effing childish - I know!!!)  Ok so if you unblock someone within 24 hours its still ok, right?

 This isn't the first time.  Everything seems to be going well and then BAM - something seemingly small and it's over and its like the guy never wants to talk to me again.

So I do what every "rational" Western woman does - just brush it off as an "Arab man thing" and move on.

After ten days now of crying bouts and depression over my Wazza (which translates to "goose" in Arabic, by the way),  I started praying for an answer. I have only confided in 2 close friends and they are bewildered.  Both blamed him.  So did I - until this morning.

I asked and I was answered.  You know that place in-between asleep and awake when you are most open to discussion with all things in the spirit world?  That's when I got it.

Have you ever seen, "The Christmas Carole?"  Well, a man thinks he's in the right about everything (obviously he's not because he's mean and he's a cheapskate, but I'm not comparing him to me zacteley).  He's visited by 3 ghosts:  Past, present, and future, who show him what he has done wrong, what he is doing wrong, and what could happen in the future.  It was kind of like that, but instead, I saw a timeline of my life and my serious relationships.  All were serious enough for the men to be considering marriage.

I saw it from their perspective, not mine.

Ya know when people say that if something happens repeatedly, the problem is probably with you?  I didn't see my problem.  Last night, I was SHOWN my problem.  I have hurt people.  And I haven't listened to the warnings they have given me along the way.

I started thinking of other men I've crushed.  There have been a few and I owe them an apology also.

I sabotage my relationships with men.  I get insecure, angry, impatient and eventually most people will want to move on from that.  It is terribly negative.  After they move on, I get horrible depression that gets worse every time (like now - I'm really in a bad way).  Then I blame the guy.

Wazza isn't returning my texts or phone calls.  But, I sent him messages apologizing.  I know it isn't going to win him over, but I had to do it.  I know I hurt him.  I feel terrible today (worse than any day in the past 10 days).

Why do I do this?  Fear of rejection:  I get in the first strike.

I know dogs, so I'll put it in a dog-analogy:  what happens to me is like separation anxiety.  When an owner leaves the house and the dog gets nuts and eats all the furniture and tears up the walls and things.  When the owner comes home, the dog is calm again and all happy and tail wagging, until the next time he/she leaves.  Are they ever coming back?  What will I do?  What will happen?

(I'm not using this as a crutch, but I think it may be part of the reason why my relationships with men go like this):  When I was 3, my parents got divorced. (My mom told me the story because she said she will never forget it.) My dad came to say goodbye and he was crying and I was crying and screaming, "Daddy don't go." My first relationship was pretty much the same - the guy left.  And then after that.  I was young and so were the guys, so that's what happens, but maybe I twisted it so I wouldn't get hurt:  Now I push before they go away.  That's the way I see it anyways.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm trying to analyze myself to see how maybe they can fix me.

My first call was to a therapist this morning.  Soor Center - return calls! OMG.  I want to get help with this.

Work relationships are no issue. I'm tough and no separation anxiety there!   This is just something in my personal life that I haven't dealt with.  Maybe my personal life would have turned out a lot differently than it has if I was more aware of this before.

Thank you, God, for giving me gifts.  This insight/vision/dream (whatever you want to call it) was a blessing.  And a wake-up call.


September 28 Update

Some of you have commented that yes I might have treated him bad, but he could have tried harder.  I'm in agreement there.  He just walked away and after many messages from me, he is still choosing (a choice) to ignore me.  I question myself, but then I do question him too.  If he loved me enough, he would be here.  I wouldn't let anyone suffer, but not someone I love for sure.

So to get a reality check, I called Bunny (my man-advisor) and told him about my self-revelation.  I also apologized because I said that I wasn't a very nice person while we were together.  His response:  laughter.  "Honey, all women are like that.  A man should know how to deal with it."  Oh.  Hello.  I wasn't expecting that.  Totally different perspective.  So I was neurotic with him.  I know I had difficult moments with him.  I remember what happened next:  bouquets of flowers sent to my office.  Yeah, that's right.  Dude sent ME flowers for my shit.  Huh.  And through it all - we are best friends.  Thank you for reminding me of all that, Buns.  We talk about everything - everything.  I mean - everything.  I can tell him the raunchiest dirty joke and he hits me back with one equally as raunchy.  I think the man in your life should be your best friend and have the ability to "get over it".

Ok, but still - I know I need to deal with my problem too.

My friend who knows me well sent me the below encouraging remarks and it is so true and close to how I feel that I thought I would post it below.  She's been through similar issues. Trust issues.  I've used the word, "paralyzed" many times to explain to myself how I'm feeling.  I do get out of bed. I do my hair and wear my best-butt-hugging skirt.  I do all my work stuff (even harder and more professionally - I'm also sick with the flu and on a shitload of drugs that seem to be helping my productivity), but I'm just stiff.  I find myself staring out into nothingness as soon as I get home and everything hurts.  My dog throws the ball (at my head) and I don't notice until he starts whining for me to snap out of it.  It bad.

No word from Wazza.   I've tried repeatedly to apologize.  Its like grieving for a dead person without the death.  You wonder where they are and what they're doing. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom.  His hair brush sits where he left it.  The cologne I gave him is on the counter.  There are reminders everywhere.  Driving down the street.  Sitting in my living room.  Passing places where we used to go.  Popcorn.  Horror movies.  Machboos.  The list is frickin endless.  I hate it.

Anyways, here is my friends comment and it is how I feel.

"I hate that (Wazza) did this to you. It leaves an awful feeling of abandonment that you have zero control over. I know it all too well. You feel helpless, hopeless, and at a complete loss. I get it. Sometimes the feeling of helplessness would leave me feeling almost paralyzed. As if getting out of the bed was too much effort. I believe it hurts even worse when they've infiltrated our lives on every level -- so everything you look at, hear, smell, eat, or do reminds you of 'him'. Yet they've managed to keep their life rather isolated. They go home to a bed you've never been in, live in a house you didn't spend endless days and nights at, hang out with people you may have never met, go to places you might not have been, etc. So not only can they just walk away but they walk away without reminders. Even more shitty.

Best news ever; you WILL heal. Get out of bed, do your hair and makeup, go get a cup of coffee or take Mikey for a walk. Or, go to the grocery store and buy something totally indulgent (DG note to self:  STOP charging on credit cards!!!), make your favorite meal (DG note:  I can't eat.  Sandwich a day - tops), and hang out at home watching reruns of Sex and the City :) "

I can't tell you how much comments like this mean to me.  And you know how much I love you, girl.  You've been a rock more times than I can count; anchoring me from afar.  


Adl A. said...

As i get older, and supposedly wiser, i am realising that most of the time the reason we blow small problems out of proportion do not need some sort of psychoanalytical viewpoint, such as fear of being left all alone. Most problems we create ourselves out of the perverse pleasure to have confrontation and drama; Zizek (paradoxical reference, i know) might call it the "Pervert's guide out of boredom".
A certain sort of confrontation is (if we're honest with ourselves) pleasantly exciting and interesting.
There are those of us who get almost traumatised by confrontation, and overwhelmed by its aftermath, so we avoid it at all cost - for them the part that is supposedly pleasant is too small or not present, for them it's pure pain. Others are so insensitive to the excitement of confrontation that remain unfazed by most mundane problems; for this category of people the problem needs to be much bigger to compel their emotional investment.
My personal suggestion to most of my friends is to take their own emotions and immediate reactions as the primitive thing they are. In other words, give them less and less importance. Instead, i tell them to focus on figuring out the "right" decisions and actions, either from a rational point of view (utilitarian) or an ethical point of view.
I hope this is of some help. The desert is problematic even for us, the locals ;)

Anonymous said...

Don't blame yourself too much. It was still his choice to leave.

Anonymous said...

Dear Desert Girl,

It breaks my heart reading this story. I lived enough and mingled enough to see many people "unintentionally" sabotage their relationships. But don't worry, recognising and admitting the problem are the first step towards solving it.

And don't worry about Wazza, most probably he crossed your path in order for you to see things that way. I'm sure the next "Wazza" would be 10 times better and more suitable for you.

I pray for you to have peace and fulfilment at heart!

Anonymous said...

Hey I was like Wazza with my wife. I never could understand sometimes her irrational behavior and the fights she would get into with me that made me think nnaa...I am not going to be treated like that. to hell with her. but then just waiting it out and then she calms down and then we are back to our old selves.

My advice from our experience is stop blocking people unless they are downright crazy. You've got one chance maybe two at a relationship. Don't lose it if you care about it. Calming down on both sides helps and its just that both folks or atleast one partner needs to lose their ego in the argument and accept that something went wrong, apologise and get back together. I hope Wazza comes back because he sounds like a good guy compared to all the other wackos who tried to date you so far. Don't let go and wait for another Wazza. Use your skills and Hunt him down and apologise. Hope it all works out for you guys.

Anonymous said...

You might've been wrong by acting a certain way, but he could have tried harder.

Em said...

When I was younger, I know I could break hearts and deal with heartbreaks so much more smoother ( Survior by Destiny child would do damage control ;) As time passed in my life, the more careful I needed to be of whom I allowed in, because the breakups got more intense, i trusted to quick, I shared too much, i loved too deep. it's gotten to a point where I've become clingy and all those things that aren't so pleasing to all. BUT U KNOW WHAT?? I actually like who I am (underneath it all) and all these "negative influences" I don't see those things as bad any more, I realised it's only being highlighted if I allow someone who is not compatible with me. I think we all have good sides and bad, but ideally just need someone for two things, celebrate me and inspire me!

Stuart said...


Loved reading this post this morning. At times, its probably the toughest for anyone to actually take a look at themselves to figure out the potential solution to a problem in one's self.

Now that you have solved that issue, the next part is too easy. You will find your man and then you can write another chapter in your book and hopefully, that chapter will be like a great and awesome romance novel.

Have a great one DG

UK Chap said...


Whats right for you wont pass you by....
Reflecting upon your own actions can be the hardest thing to do to understand why relationships breakdown. Been there done that! Being on the receiving end of someone being unfaithful was a toughie especially when their excuse was that it was my fault!

It hurt like hell at the time and I'm still getting over the trauma 18 months later but each day is another day moving forward.

Hang in there- Camping season is almost here :)


Anonymous said...

I see myself in your words,maybe he crossed your path to help you to realize about your issue. Don't worry, I will pray so your sadness go away. Smile girl! *Hugs u*
PS: I always read u but i rarely comment on your posts, thanks for always answer my emails! You are so lovely!

Daneris said...

Hi, I hope that you can get some closure from him if you haven't already. You know what the problems probably were but it's another thing to hear it from that person. Especially because it seems you two were very serious so to leave without an explanation on his feelings and thoughts on the relationship just makes a bad situation worse. As you said he was very much in your life. I would agree with others that the issues you outlined even if they happened only once in a while don't seem that serious.

However, maybe his intolerance of the situation just speaks to the fact that he is looking for something else. I am not saying he should have been content with the situation but could he have said let's get some help with this problem because I can't see myself longterm being happy like this. Or could he have said You need to get some help with this problem because I can't be happy like this. Yeah I think it would have been a logical next step instead of just leaving.