Ode To Stupid People Everywhere

Want to hear something stupid? (Of course, Desert Girl! Why else would we read your blog?) Obey kaybee…

This weekend I’m out with the Posse (pronounce that any way you so desire). I’m walking around and a yummy tall guy was smiling at me. I met him in the school supply section and he gave me his name and number and then said, “Who is your friend?” I’m like, “My friend? What’s up with you?” (thinking dirty threesome thoughts bien sur). He said, “No, I want you to give her my number.” I’m like, “Are you stupid? Why don’t you go give her your own number? What am I – a mediator?” (Don’t even SAY that other word….!)

People never cease to amaze me. And Purgy – DAMN STRAIGHT my expectations are high. If you aim high, you achieve high. If you aim low, you generally only get low – loooooow below the belt…. (come to think of it…. that wouldn't be so terrible, right?)

This weekend was relatively a snooze fest, except for a phone call from a guy who I didn’t mention here (maybe I did?) who is traveling and I won’t get to see until September. I totally wasn’t expecting his call and I was having dinner with a business ASSociate and when I answered the call, he said, “BAYBEE! How ARE you?” I said, ‘Ssscuse me? Who is this?’ (because, alas, it could have been any number of mens… I was so glad that it was HIM). (Says me – giggling like a 5th grader). Me likes.

My dear friend, The Romanian, called a guy for the first time last night. I asked how the conversation went and she said, “He didn’t even ask me what my name was. He just asked me if I lived alone. So….. CLICK.” I love her attitude. What a dumbass. Obviously, he just wanted a booty call.

When mens ask me if I live alone, I always say, ‘I live with security.’ What exactly does that MEAN? Well, it could be my own private security detail; it could be a big aggressive attack dog; it could be a Smith & Weson; it could be a male relative… This list goes on. I don’t go into details. Why, pray tell, Desert Girl, do you answer in this strange manner? Weeeeeeeelll, it’s like this: If I tell anyone that I live alone, the next thing out of their pathetically stupid ignorant mouths is, “Uh, I’ll bring some food and a bottle and be right over.” NO DUMBASS YOU WON’T. What time is yo mama cooking lunch for me?

Oh, I had a conversation with another dumbass (there are so many)…. He is a friend-of-a-friend who likes me and who I don’t know well at all. He was calling to (I think) ask me out, but failed miserably. He said, “I live in the most expensive area of Southern Kuwait, Hadiya. I can’t go outside with women, I am a very important man. I am a lieutenant.” (oh please – WTF – not even a major!!!). I told him that I am secretly married to a very important man, who lives in Abdullah Al-Salem, I too am very important (I’m a mudeeeeera), and I can’t go outside with him either.” Had I been standing next to LoserBoy, I would have reached out and smacked him upside his irrationally small head.

Ooooooo saaaaah. Try to remain calm. 4 more days until the serenity of alcohol, greenness, and the love of my family…..

And speaking of loff….. I’m taking The Romanian on a honeymoon to Phuket. Ph-uckit. That’s right. When I didn’t get the engagement ring I wanted, did I sit and complain (yes, a little)? I bought it myself (and then felt guilty for spending so much). When that person went on my honeymoon without me, did I complain (Hell YES I DID)? I’m taking my friend. Of course, it won’t be AS romantic, but whatever. Thankfully, I don’t like wedding gowns (I don’t – seriously – I look terrible in white and the whole virginal thing just doesn’t work for me), so I don’t have to spend the money on that. I could probably do a wedding cake, however….

Its ok because I went on a honeymoon to Malaysia years ago (2002?) and before that, to Maui in Hawaii. Malaysia was because a guy friend and I won a trip on Valentine’s day at the Balls of Kuwait (towers) and we told everybody we were on our honeymoon to receive upgrades, cake, and flowers. In Maui, it wasn’t actually a honeymoon because dude was taking me there to ASK me to marry him. I’m so glad I went because I didn’t marry him and therefore I never would have had the way cool honeymoon I actually ended up with (helicopter rides, sail boating, snorkeling, room on the sea… etc.)

My life IS weird, isn’t it???