July 19 in Desert Girl History

This day, July 19, several decades ago in Georgetown, Shamlan and I walked along Wisconsin Avenue and he stopped to buy me a bouquet of tiny pink roses and with a spray of purple desert flowers intertwined.   (This may have been where my love of pink roses began.... not sure.)

I had met him only days before - in front of my whole family which must have been a shock from a guy from Dubai. His cousin, Najeeb, introduced us.   My sister was visiting from Texas and we had all come back from a dinner at The Dancing Crab restaurant (which used to be next to a massage parlor called the Cat's Pajamas). Dinner at the Dancing Crab was kind of a family tradition as we all love Maryland blue crabs and it was a treat for Martha whenever she came to visit.  It is always hot in DC this time of year and it must have been pretty warm in the house (no air conditioning until years later).   Shamlan took it all in stride.  He smiled and met everyone comfortably and we promised to meet later in secret.... We were teenagers and my dad wouldn't have approved (he later busted me sneaking back into the house.  An adventure WELL worth the punishment).  Shamlan had to go through the approvals process before I could leave the house for a few hours with him.

Anyways, I have always remembered the date and I still have pieces of the bouquet, collected and carefully preserved in my trunk that has been with me from place to place since those teenage days.  Most of the color has faded, but not all.  (Roses never fade....)

I once heard a family member give an interview after a plane crash.  She said that they had recovered her loved one's suitcase from the crash and it made her ponder how something material and meaningless lived on while someone of such value had perished.  I think of that quote when I see the flowers in my trunk.

I also remember another quote from someone who said that as long as there are still people to remember you,  you are never really gone.  That's true.  I hear him sometimes when someone laughs and I see his look every once in a while through the eyes of another person.  He's never really very far away.

I can't believe how many years have passed and so quickly.

Something in the Wind

Something is really different. I don’t know what it is exactly, but it is just very different. Things just don’t feel the same recently and it is almost as if something is coming, but I can’t tell what it is.

I had a dream the other night and I think it must have been heaven. I was in a garden with pools of water and streams. It was at night and there were those little fairy lights everywhere (which I love), hanging over walkways and in the trees. The pools were more like ponds with grass on the banks and streams between them. I was with Shamlan in one of the pools of water. He was hugging me and I could feel how warm he was and I could smell his skin. I told him that I had loved him since I was 15 years old. He hugged me for a long time and he told me that he has loved me for as long. Most of the dreams I have of him, he is turning and going. In this dream, I knew we would stay together always and it was okay. Then, I got out of the pool I was in with him and I went to find my father and (step-mother), Elly (also deceased). They were in a building (kind of like gazebos with wood walkways in between). They were sitting with friends and there was music playing and people were laughing. Dad was wearing a bright yellow shirt. I couldn't see any faces, but I knew they were happy. The feeling I had from it was intense love. It was the best dream ever.

I have been reading a book about George Anderson who is a medium – mostly helping people with recovery from grief. I found the book in a small used book store in Reston where I always find unique inspiration. George delivers messages from peoples’ loved ones who have died. It was a very interesting look at life-after-death and how forgiveness and love play big roles (ok, not that hate would have any place there). It also reminded me to pay attention to signs and how you may overlook messages that come through.

My dad gave me a definite sign while I was there. I said, “I love you, Daddy” just as I was passing by his house. It was sunset and the sun was shining through the pink clouds in rays. A very old song came on the radio by Peggy Lee that reminds me of him, “The Way You Look Tonight.”

"Heaven's Door"

If I should go before you,

If life on earth were through;

I'll stop just inside Heaven's door,

And there I'll wait for you.

You've but to look 'cross star filled skies,

Past the moon and then beyond;

To know my leaving could never break,

This heart's undying bond.

And if you should go before me,

If your journey on earth were through;

You know I will be close behind,

I'll never be far from you.

Across the span of time and space,

This love will reach this far;

For you'll always carry a bit of my heart,

No matter where you are.

We've no way of knowing who will remain,

Or who will go on before;

But if I should go first, you'll find love there,

I'll be waiting just inside Heaven's door.

Gone, but not Forgotten

Today is Shamlan’s birthday.

I miss him every day.

Rest in peace, baby, far from the troubles of this world.

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I remember.

Seeing you for the first time on Wisconsin Avenue in Georgetown: the 2 seconds that changed my life when our eyes met and I knew.
The orange Capri RS (and the small army of Dubai guys with the same cars in different colors)
Waiting for you after class at American University
Long talks with your cousin, Najeeb
Chivas Regal

Kisses that tasted like Chivas Regal and cigarettes
Fleetwood Mac, Pink Floyd, Teddy Pendergrass, Fairuz (Wahdon)
Halson cologne
The park next to the Potomac River at the end of King Street in Old Town
Pink baby roses and purple flowers.
July 20
Democracy, Marxism and strange political meetings.

Ambition.
You telling me that you would take care of me – even if no one else would.

The ring from the antiques store.
Your incredible wavy hair!
You sketching me when my hair was braided.
Sneaking back into my house at 6 am. My dad catching me.
Holding my hand.
Mr. Smith’s.
Your waterbed.
Stealing your Arabic cassettes.
Your friend from the UAE embassy that you smoked cigars with that had the cool house.
You telling my dad to,“Keep her away from Arabs.”
Lace underwear that I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of.
Drunken phone calls.
The day you played soccer with the guys at Crystal City and fell in the mud.

The musical sound of your laugh.
Daily/weekly letters to you

Waiting for you to come back.

Finding out on Valentine's Day that you had died.

Your words that always haunt me, "I will never forget these days."

In Memory of Shamlan

I have to write about Shamlan because today is the day that I heard that he had passed away in Dubai.

• Shamlan had the most soulful eyes I've ever seen. It was like he could see right into me and know me with a stare.
• He had the best laugh I've ever heard; There was something humbling about it - I don't really know how to explain it, but his laugh was deep and rich.
• He cared deeply about his family and often talked about his 2 younger sisters, "the monkeys"
• He liked small sports cars.
• He liked playing soccer with the guys.
• He had deep political beliefs that were controversial and got him in trouble (may have gotten him killed).
• He loved the sea and diving.
• He liked jazz.
• He liked Chivas Regal
• I felt like I didn't have to say a word when I was around him.
• He didn't love me as much as I loved him. I hope he knew how much he was loved.
• I didn't get to spend enough time with him while he was on Earth. Now that he's gone, he talks to me through dreams. As he told me the night before I found out he was gone, "The days I spent with you were the happiest days of my life."