FMPs on the Cheap - Real Estate "Professionals"

Slaperella wrote to me, all excited, this morning about a new shoe store chain coming to the Middle East in 2009 - courtesy of Al Shaya. I could almost feel the waves of anxious delight... I had to explain about Payless Shoes - in simple terms that Slaps could understand...

Enter Villa Moda: Smell the designer perfume.
Enter Payless: Smell the naughahide (plastic).

(Call PETA!!!! How many innocent naughas had to die to make their shoes???)

Dolce & Gabbana they aint.

I know that Payless will do REALLY well around this neighborhood because TCN nationals from many many countries flock to Payless like a 70% sale at Sana'a; like chicken fat sticks to basmati; like used electrical appliances at Souq al Juma; like Mirah Center right before Ramadan. Yeah, it like dat.

Segue to the continuing search for a DG home....

Who the phuck designs these places anyways? Do the building owners’ wives sit down at the dining room table and say, “Ok honey, I would like to see a wall here, and a bathroom there…” Have these people never heard of interior design and architecture? Cost cutting in Kuwait is at an ultimate low. Some of the buildings are so strangely configured (and “finished”) that most furniture can’t be placed in them without a struggle. I saw a brandspankinnew building in Salmiya; the light fixtures over the front doors were actually overhead dome lights for a child’s room with little butterflies on them. Idiot must have bought them wholesale on the cheap: Romper Room a la “prime” Kuwaiti real estate.

Stupid real estate morons (no doubt upon hearing the blondeness in my voice): "You will never find a 2 bedroom flat in this area for less than 650kd." Oh yeah? IN YOUR FACE! I'm finding 2 AND 3 bedrooms (sea views even) in my price range. You just have to look really hard (and sometimes wear something tight fitting and low cut, and giggle a lot. Work it, baybee, work it.)

More Realtors Smokin Crack.... A mind is a terrible thing to waste (well, perhaps not if they never had one to begin with).

I called one realtor dude a few days ago. He told me about an apartment that 1) didn't meet my criteria and 2) was too expensive. I said that I wasn't interested, but if he could find a 2 br w a balcony in my price range to call me back. Dude calls back and says that he has other apartment with no balcony. I explain that I have a small dog, yada yada... and he said, "you can put her on the roof". WTF??? Put MY dogbaby on a roof? Put your kid on a roof, dumbass! (Ok, that probably isn't a good example because I'm sure he wouldn't see anything wrong with that scenario.) Yesterday, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize and an Indian guy shouted at me in (Urdu? - like THIS) and then hung up on me. Speeeecial. He called a few minutes later, so I sent it to voicemail. The message he left: the sound of someone hockin' a loogie (clearing his throat in an uncivilized manner). Do they not get the concept of voicemail – that when you hear the beep….. I only then realized that it was the same realtor dude's number, but that he had his piggy man-servant call me.

These are the "REAL ESTATE PROFESSIONALS" Kuwait has: Arrogant, pushy, ignorant, uncivilized, and in some cases - with poor personal hygiene. For Gods sake - take the cigarette out of your mouth while you are talking to me and stop staring at my ass!!!! Wash your feet!!!!

I have met only a few realtors who have been very professional: Target, AAA, Saba, Eastern Homes and a guy named Joey. I like that AAA website displays pictures of properties (although unfortunately, they aren't updated very often). And, don't bother filling out their online forms or sending e-mails: they will never ever return the contact. The technology is just not that advanced yet.

If a realtor would go around with a digital camera (most mobile phones have them ya know) and e-mail me (or MMS) photos of properties, I would probably fly backwards off my chair, do a flip, and hit my head on the wall (now that thar would be a photo op!) I know that making it convenient and less work/stress for a customer is a far-reaching concept, but one can wish.

I have several friends who own buildings that I have checked recently for apartments. One is so overpriced that I doubt they'll ever rent it; one is priced right, but will require a lot of design work/expense on my part; and one I WANT badly. I have been eyeing the last one for several years and no one ever moves out of that building. It faces the sea, in a perfect location (mashallah mashallah mashallah) and is really big (we DO like BIG). I just sent the guy flowers because he didn’t tell me that he and his wife just had a baby. He’s such a sweetheart and I wish him so much happiness (and hopefully happiness for me too if he lets me live there). Please pray for me. Make him WANT me (living in his building, that is). Ok, he’s cute, so the other isn’t so bad either… except that he just had a baby… which makes me a sinner (again)… Oh, just pray that I get the apartment please. Need it, want it, gotta have it.

Happy weekend y’alls. Thank you for all the nice things you have written to me this week and encouraging me to stay positive. I send you all lots of good thoughts and kind acts in return (except for the guy who "had intimate relations with himself" while reading my blog. I wish him therapy).

… Off to drink the desert thirst-quencher-of-choice: tequila…. It has been a very long week.