Massages, and Roaches and Work... Oh My!

If a man has a gender-reassignment and becomes a female, what must it feel like for him to loose his virginity for the first time as a woman?    I know - I've got  you thinking, don't I?  (Thanks, Stella.  As I continue to delight, 'I just never thought my job would be like this...').

The new job really is quite cool. First and foremost because the people (get this) just want to work.  WTF?!  Can it be??  You work, and they pay you - and on time.  What a fascinating approach.

I've been like a sponge trying to soak it all up.  It's a totally new industry for me and bien sur, I have been intimidated.   Howefah,  I remember when I joined my former job, the Chairman that I worked for threw absolutely everything he had at me for 6 months. (For example, what the HELL did I know about going "to meet the Chinese"?)   I had no clue what I was doing (and later found out that I was doing what he probably hadn't done in several years).  Go figure.  Anyways, as difficult as it was, I learned SO much; and although much more pleasant now, I feel like I will learn a lot at this place too.

Plus the people I work with are genuinely nice and make me laugh all the time.  I fit in.  People GET my humor.  That is so rare; no more odd stares, scowls and tilted heads.  They think I'm funny, instead of freakish (ok, I think they think I'm not a freak, but one never knows).

Oh, I bought toilet seats (pink) and in less than 45 minutes, the company had reimbursed me. I woulda done it for free, but someone ASKED me for the receipt et voila - cash. It was like... magic.....  I didn't have to beg for 2-3 weeks and I didn't have to fill in 3 forms with original, stamped/signed/dated invoices.

BTW -  I LOVE the new toilet seats and I think (hope) that they are a big hit in the office.

It is also nice to work with American women again.  I realized how much I had let my wardrobe slip.  (Ooops, I gotta kick it up a notch.)  They are like me - we talk the same language.  It's like I'm in Kuwait, but I'm not in Kuwait.     We do have a nice mixture of nationalities, but the people I work directly for are American women.  It is like being at home with my sisters.  So cool.  (Only my sisters cook for me, okay?) Tee hee.

I do miss my bigassoffice at the old place (and my bigasssofa that I used to be able to nap on when I didn't feel good - which, honestly, was twice), but it wasn't nearly as lively as where I'm working now.  It makes me realize how lonely I was in that bigassoffice all by myself.

The new place also makes me realize what a stressful environment I left behind.  Wow.  You have no idea how poor the air quality is until you go some place with clean air.

And speaking of clean air:  This weekend, Slaps took me to Spa Aquatonic at the Crowne Plaza for massages.  (I'm going to have to pull this whiny, pathetic girl shit more often. I'm getting major props.)  An hour and a half of OH MY GOD I DON'T EVER WANT TO LEAVE HERE.  I got a triple treat:  scrub, aqua therapy, and I got hot stoned (refer to previous post). (A scrub, a tub, and a rub.)  They scrub you with this sugary gook for 40 minutes, then you go take a shower, then ThaiLady (who makes no faces at your nekedness) helps you into the ensuite  aqua bath, lights some candles, draws the princessy curtains, and turns on the bathtub.  The bathtub is like your own personal space ship:  It changes colors and bubbles massage you in various places (not THERE you  perverts!!! Don't you ever STOP??) like your lower back, shoulders.  Then, ThaiLady helps you out of the tub and you jump (well ok not really jump) onto the heated massage bed for 60 minutes of hot stones.  Oh.My.God!   I woke myself up THREE TIMES (snoring like a mofo).

So like after all that, Slaps and I went to eat sushi at Sakura and I literally couldn't talk. I studdered. They were laughing at me.  Not funny.

Thank you, Slapperella, for the most relaxing day (after one of the most stressful) of my year!  You're a star.  Why can't I find a man like her?  Do you have any idea what I would do for a man who treated me like that? She sends me flowers.  She writes nice cards......  Dayam (sigh).

Ok I did briefly go out with a guy once-upon-a-time who took me to get Thai massage - only it was the stretchy/pully/sport-ish type that was really not relaxing at ALL and the masseuse did some massaging that I wasn't used to (I don't want to talk about it) so it was stressful.   That doesn't really count - as much as I would have liked it to.  Oh, plus, dude drove a VW Rabbit and wore capris.  It all just screamed "unmanly".  He got married shortly after and has a terribly unhappy relationship (probably because he should have married the other gender).  Capris. Chick car.  As if!

Oh!  Oh! Oh!  I forgot to tell you about the water coming up from the ground in my yard (it sounds so exciting already, right?)  So this has happened to me twice this year:  Water has come up the drain pipes in my yard, kind of flooding the tiles.  It isn't smelly (thank GOD!), but.... here it comes.... sewer-pipe roaches.  LOTS of sewer-pipe roaches.  They are about the length of my index finger and about 2 fingers wide.  EEEEEEWWWW.  If anybody knows me (Slaps will tell you - the "incident" 4 years ago at Mubarakia in front of a crowd of 100 people...), I would rather have a gun pointed in my face than to be confronted by a cock-a-roach. (Who knows - you might be able to talk yourself out of being shot, but you can't reason with roaches.)  These phuckers are EVERYWHERE.  They're on the walls outside, they're messin around on my "welcome" mat, they're getting close to where Hughey, Dewey, and Lewie live.  That' can't be!  Landlady Mariam has promised that they'll come tomorrow and then kill everything.  Y'alls will hear me screaming if not.  I was pretty good about it tonight when I got home, but I'm going to have to shower before bed because my skin is crawling  (gag, gaaaag).

Here's what I want:  A man who will come over, slay all the roaches (with the swath of his mighty sword), and then take me to get a massage and sushi.  I'm not asking for DIAMONDS!  .... and I just hope he isn't wearing short pants and driving a vaginamobile.  That would juuuuuust be my luck.