2007: So Far, So Good

2007 will be a Hamster-free zone. Cold turkey. No more pining and wallowing (yeah, I actually did do a leetle beet of that).

I’m back in Kuwait and it feels like I never left. If I go away and come back in 20 years, will it be the same shit? I’m lookin out my window at work now at the enormous ship that is carrying lambs; watching a stupid Bengali guy hit the sheep with a stick so that he can cram more into the cattle trucks. I want to rescue ALL thousands of them (they probably wouldn’t fit on my balcony, would they?). You couldn’t get this view in the US, nosireebob. Probably because PETA would be all over their asses. --- uh no, not the sheep asses… nevermind.

I took the new United flight direct from DC to Kuwait, logging a mere 11.5 hours. I sat next to a homeboy (‘merican) who had never been in business class before. He wanted to review all the functionality of the seats with me. It was kind of endearing because he was older than me and had never been in business class; and also because he was on his way to Balad so I knew he was in for a world of hardship and didn’t need any grief from me. He probably was seated next to me thanks to my sister who was shouting, “Put her next to a hot single guy!” when I spoke to the ticketing agent who hung up in giggles. It was kizmit because as soon as I got off the phone, she said, “Oh… what if he turns out to be ‘hot’ as in big and sweaty?” How do people know my luck so well?

It’s all about perspective. I am not into self-help books. I’ve never been good at following. I am the sign of the Ram; head-strong, opinionated, stubborn. A leader, not a follower (although you might not always want to follow where I am going!) Self-help books are usually too psycho-babbly for me; I like them basically to learn other people’s perspectives (“Look at me! I know what I’m talking about and I just made 29.99 off of you, another stupid consumer!”). One book caught my eye in Target, “Be Honest, You Weren’t That Into Him Either.” The clincher was when I opened it to 3 different chapters and PhD Sexpert Dude was talking about, “So you’re not that into him, but you wanted to have sex like a man…” or “You’re just not that into him, but you didn’t have anything better to do…” I bought it. It is quite interesting actually. (It said nothing about 27 year olds BTW). As Billy Bob Thornton said in “School for Scoundrels”, “How many of you losers read self-help books? It is an asshole teaching an asshole how to do something.” Holy crap – I just googled “Billy Bob Thornton” and “asshole” together to get the exact quote and you would be surprised how many hits came up. Funny.

I also read “Marley and Me: The Worst Dog in The World” . OhmaGod – I laughed; I cried. It was such a great read. I thought it was a new book (because it was in Oprah’s magazine for December), but it has been around for a while. O Magazine is basically just a rag for advertisements, but once in a while there is something good in there. (“Oh look at me! I dedicate an entire magazine to myself, complete with my pictures and stuff about my friends and you buy it for $5 a month!”)

On January 1, upon my return to Kuwait, I met 7 men. That’s right. Today is January 3rd. How many do you think I am still talking to? That’s correct: One. That is only because he speaks very little English and I am still trying to decipher him through my limited language skills. You would think that the law of averages would eventually work out in my favor, but nooooooo: it just amounts to MORE wacko’s, crackpots, and losers. I must have been having a good hair day or something … or it coulda been the 2007 Push-Up Bra. Dunno. Whatever it was, they were after it in a doggy-dog kinda way. I even took 2 numbers (different guys, different times) and their friends who were standing right next to them wanted to give me their numbers too. (Threesome? hmmmmm, not thar yet...) NO! I was not dressed slutty or something. Honest.

I saw a great movie with my sister (and then again with my mother – not as good the 2nd time) – Holiday – with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law (ohmyGod yummy) and Jack Black (who is the highest on my “ick” list). Now people, I ask you – why the phuck would they put Jack Black in a leading male role in a romantic comedy? Ew! He has a butt face. Anyhooo, the movie had several comparisons with “Be Honest, You Weren’t That Into Him Either.”

It is phucking freezing in my office today. I shoulda brought a blanket. Our heat isn’t working. I’m so cold. Oh yeah – and I got my cold back again. This time, it doesn’t feel like a flu because I am not all confused/disoriented and feverish. I’m also poppin antibiotics like they are raisins or something. Mucus is a terrible thing and hard to get rid of (known where I come from as “hockin’ a loogie”). I know – not very phuckin ladylike, eh? And yet - so descriptive.

I brought back 4 pairs of boots from the US. Those things will make anybody ladylike in a hurry!

I picked up my hubungous ring from the jewelers just before I left. It looks very small to me now. I keep sticking it under my girlfriends noses and saying, “Do you think it’s too smaaaaaall?” – which, of course, girls can get away with saying. Tee hee. Anyhow, it was kind of a small disappointment. Small disappointments are the worst, aren’t they?

Well, I could go on and on (and I DO!), but the coffee is finally starting to wear out and my fingers have gone numb from the cold. I think I’ll go get a sheel ow meshi later. mmmmmmmmmmmmm