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Saturday, April 22, 2006

I Miss You, Daddy.


My father used to take my sister and I to the beach when we were little kids. For some reason, when I found out that he had passed away 2 weeks ago on April 2nd, I remembered how his hand felt in mine while we walked down the beach together. It must have been a really long time ago because I can't remember going to the beach with him anytime in recent history, but there it is: perhaps it is what he wanted me to remember of him - a big strong guy taking care of me - rather than the little old man he had become at the end of his life.

During the past few years, I didn't feel like Dad was Dad. He used to be such a happy, active man. Recently, it was as if he was ready to go. He was tired all the time and not very happy with life. My sister did a great job making him as comfortable as possible and I am so glad that she had a chance to be with him and get to know him again. They were buddies. I felt so bad for her because they were so close and his passing has hurt her deeply - more, I believe, than she is allowing anyone to see.

She and my brother-in-law found him in his little home in Virginia. He went peacefully after 81 years, but it is still a shock to all of us. Maybe part of you thinks that your parents will always be there. I can't believe he is gone.

I can't remember most of the trip from here to Virginia. I cried most of the way and the rest of the time, I was in some kind of a trance.

The most difficult part of the 2 weeks I was there was cleaning out his home. It felt so disrepsectful; like a huge invasion of privacy. 81 years of a person's life amounts to an accumulation of stuff; stuff that no one else can value; stuff that we don't know the origins of. I took his dad-hat, his glasses, and one of his favorite sweaters (which is probably about 30 years old since he took such amazing care of his clothes) with me. I also took a really ugly blue glass decanter in the shape of an eagle that my sister and I had bought him many years ago as a birthday present. It meant something to him; he moved it through several different households. It now means something to me.

I never knew how proud he was of me. He kept all my cards and all the various pieces of work that I sent him over the years.

My sisters and I got to say goodbye to him. They wheeled him up in a gurney at the funeral home. I told him how sorry I was for not calling him enough. We thanked him for loving us all.

His memorial service was beautiful. It was grave-side at the small Southern cemetery where most of my dad's side of the family is buried. My cousin played "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes. Long before his death, I cried whenever I heard the song played on the pipes. I completely lost it during his service.

I was strong around my sisters. When I saw that they were being strong (probably for me), I was strong for them. It wasn't until I got back here that things have really hit me. Grief has been coming in waves. Sometimes, just when you feel like you are going to be okay for a while, you start crying again. Maybe a song or a picture will remind you. I'm just wondering if I will be the same me when time passes. I don't know how a person could be. Some of my very close friends have been changed dramatically by the loss of a parent. They are not the same people. I know I feel different.

We chose this poem for his prayer card.

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.



I have gone to call him several times and have to stop myself. Why can't I just hear his voice one more time? I miss him terribly.

10 comments:

  1. A very touching piece. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  2. im so sorry dear *hug*

    im lost for words, in time things will get better!

    I'm always here for you *hug*

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  3. Thank you, kind ladies, for your comforting words. They say that you can't say enough nice things to people when they are going through difficult times and it is true. All the words and prayers from friends truely help and I really appreciate it.

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  4. I'm sorry for your loss. He's at peace now. Allah yarhamuh.

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  5. I'm so sorry for your staggering loss. May your lifetime of good memories carry you through this most difficult of times. :(

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  6. I am sorry to read about your father's passing and how very poignant this piece you wrote. It is painful and difficult for those of us grieving, left behind. But I am sure he is peacefully at rest now. God bless him and you too.

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  7. I'm very sad for your loss DG. Please accept my deepest condolences and may his soul rest in peace.

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  8. Thank you all so much for your condolences. It is amazing to realize the kindness of strangers when you really need them the most. Sometimes a few words can make a tremendous difference.

    As a believer in karma, I hope you will all receive compassion from others at times when you need it.

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