Epiphany

I have been quiet about relationships for a while now.  I've been dating a lovely man for the past 6 months.  I will call him, "Wazza" because he's always calling me, "Butta" which can translate to "duck" or "chubby" depending.  I think he's using both terms.

I didn't want to jinx myself by saying anything - even to my family.  It had been going so well.  Every morning he would call me just as he woke up and he would call the last thing before he went to sleep. During the day, we texted each other constantly and he picked up the phone on the first or second ring every time - no matter where he was or who he was with.  He EARNED my trust.  And this even went on while I was in the States on vacation.

Everything was going great.  Until he stopped calling and stopped texting. I blamed him.  I really did.  We were discussing something and we had a little minor (I though) argument. He said that I had made several mistakes lately and he would talk to me about it, but after I had calmed down a little.  Well, I did something stupid and turned my phone off.  He called only once the next day and I was still angry with him.  He stopped calling.  Then I blocked him so I don't know if he called back or not.  Then I unblocked him (so effing childish - I know!!!)  Ok so if you unblock someone within 24 hours its still ok, right?

 This isn't the first time.  Everything seems to be going well and then BAM - something seemingly small and it's over and its like the guy never wants to talk to me again.

So I do what every "rational" Western woman does - just brush it off as an "Arab man thing" and move on.

After ten days now of crying bouts and depression over my Wazza (which translates to "goose" in Arabic, by the way),  I started praying for an answer. I have only confided in 2 close friends and they are bewildered.  Both blamed him.  So did I - until this morning.

I asked and I was answered.  You know that place in-between asleep and awake when you are most open to discussion with all things in the spirit world?  That's when I got it.

Have you ever seen, "The Christmas Carole?"  Well, a man thinks he's in the right about everything (obviously he's not because he's mean and he's a cheapskate, but I'm not comparing him to me zacteley).  He's visited by 3 ghosts:  Past, present, and future, who show him what he has done wrong, what he is doing wrong, and what could happen in the future.  It was kind of like that, but instead, I saw a timeline of my life and my serious relationships.  All were serious enough for the men to be considering marriage.

I saw it from their perspective, not mine.

Ya know when people say that if something happens repeatedly, the problem is probably with you?  I didn't see my problem.  Last night, I was SHOWN my problem.  I have hurt people.  And I haven't listened to the warnings they have given me along the way.

I started thinking of other men I've crushed.  There have been a few and I owe them an apology also.

I sabotage my relationships with men.  I get insecure, angry, impatient and eventually most people will want to move on from that.  It is terribly negative.  After they move on, I get horrible depression that gets worse every time (like now - I'm really in a bad way).  Then I blame the guy.

Wazza isn't returning my texts or phone calls.  But, I sent him messages apologizing.  I know it isn't going to win him over, but I had to do it.  I know I hurt him.  I feel terrible today (worse than any day in the past 10 days).

Why do I do this?  Fear of rejection:  I get in the first strike.

I know dogs, so I'll put it in a dog-analogy:  what happens to me is like separation anxiety.  When an owner leaves the house and the dog gets nuts and eats all the furniture and tears up the walls and things.  When the owner comes home, the dog is calm again and all happy and tail wagging, until the next time he/she leaves.  Are they ever coming back?  What will I do?  What will happen?

(I'm not using this as a crutch, but I think it may be part of the reason why my relationships with men go like this):  When I was 3, my parents got divorced. (My mom told me the story because she said she will never forget it.) My dad came to say goodbye and he was crying and I was crying and screaming, "Daddy don't go." My first relationship was pretty much the same - the guy left.  And then after that.  I was young and so were the guys, so that's what happens, but maybe I twisted it so I wouldn't get hurt:  Now I push before they go away.  That's the way I see it anyways.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm trying to analyze myself to see how maybe they can fix me.

My first call was to a therapist this morning.  Soor Center - return calls! OMG.  I want to get help with this.

Work relationships are no issue. I'm tough and no separation anxiety there!   This is just something in my personal life that I haven't dealt with.  Maybe my personal life would have turned out a lot differently than it has if I was more aware of this before.

Thank you, God, for giving me gifts.  This insight/vision/dream (whatever you want to call it) was a blessing.  And a wake-up call.


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September 28 Update

Some of you have commented that yes I might have treated him bad, but he could have tried harder.  I'm in agreement there.  He just walked away and after many messages from me, he is still choosing (a choice) to ignore me.  I question myself, but then I do question him too.  If he loved me enough, he would be here.  I wouldn't let anyone suffer, but not someone I love for sure.

So to get a reality check, I called Bunny (my man-advisor) and told him about my self-revelation.  I also apologized because I said that I wasn't a very nice person while we were together.  His response:  laughter.  "Honey, all women are like that.  A man should know how to deal with it."  Oh.  Hello.  I wasn't expecting that.  Totally different perspective.  So I was neurotic with him.  I know I had difficult moments with him.  I remember what happened next:  bouquets of flowers sent to my office.  Yeah, that's right.  Dude sent ME flowers for my shit.  Huh.  And through it all - we are best friends.  Thank you for reminding me of all that, Buns.  We talk about everything - everything.  I mean - everything.  I can tell him the raunchiest dirty joke and he hits me back with one equally as raunchy.  I think the man in your life should be your best friend and have the ability to "get over it".

Ok, but still - I know I need to deal with my problem too.

My friend who knows me well sent me the below encouraging remarks and it is so true and close to how I feel that I thought I would post it below.  She's been through similar issues. Trust issues.  I've used the word, "paralyzed" many times to explain to myself how I'm feeling.  I do get out of bed. I do my hair and wear my best-butt-hugging skirt.  I do all my work stuff (even harder and more professionally - I'm also sick with the flu and on a shitload of drugs that seem to be helping my productivity), but I'm just stiff.  I find myself staring out into nothingness as soon as I get home and everything hurts.  My dog throws the ball (at my head) and I don't notice until he starts whining for me to snap out of it.  It bad.

No word from Wazza.   I've tried repeatedly to apologize.  Its like grieving for a dead person without the death.  You wonder where they are and what they're doing. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom.  His hair brush sits where he left it.  The cologne I gave him is on the counter.  There are reminders everywhere.  Driving down the street.  Sitting in my living room.  Passing places where we used to go.  Popcorn.  Horror movies.  Machboos.  The list is frickin endless.  I hate it.

Anyways, here is my friends comment and it is how I feel.

"I hate that (Wazza) did this to you. It leaves an awful feeling of abandonment that you have zero control over. I know it all too well. You feel helpless, hopeless, and at a complete loss. I get it. Sometimes the feeling of helplessness would leave me feeling almost paralyzed. As if getting out of the bed was too much effort. I believe it hurts even worse when they've infiltrated our lives on every level -- so everything you look at, hear, smell, eat, or do reminds you of 'him'. Yet they've managed to keep their life rather isolated. They go home to a bed you've never been in, live in a house you didn't spend endless days and nights at, hang out with people you may have never met, go to places you might not have been, etc. So not only can they just walk away but they walk away without reminders. Even more shitty.

Best news ever; you WILL heal. Get out of bed, do your hair and makeup, go get a cup of coffee or take Mikey for a walk. Or, go to the grocery store and buy something totally indulgent (DG note to self:  STOP charging on credit cards!!!), make your favorite meal (DG note:  I can't eat.  Sandwich a day - tops), and hang out at home watching reruns of Sex and the City :) "

I can't tell you how much comments like this mean to me.  And you know how much I love you, girl.  You've been a rock more times than I can count; anchoring me from afar.