I don't have swine flu after all

I was convinced that I had swine flu this week. So lethargic, dizzy, achy, sneezy (dopey, grumpy...) Plus, the ringing in my ears... It turns out, so says Dr. Eman, that I have high blood pressure and fever. Why? Because of stress and because all I ate for a week was Doritos and birthday cake (as previously stated).

I OD'ed on Doritos.

I didn't think it was possible, but you can do it. You now - you come home; you're not in the mood to cook or order. It gets late and you're still on the sofa wondering what to have and then - BADA BING! Doritos!!!! You can't have just one... I'm sorry, but that new sweet, spicy paprika flavor is da BOMB baybeee.

Ok, perhapsee stress had a weeeee bit to do with it.

Dr. Eman told me to cut out caffiene and salt. When I gave her that blank look like I had no comprehension of what she was saying. She re-stated, "NO CHOCOLATE, COFFEE, OR CHIPS." I responded that I would rather die. I make the nurses giggle.

So, I have made arrangements to have Desert Dawg sent to my family incase I kick it. It is still stated in my Last Will and Testament that my sister gets all my money and my gold (that will be worth about $4.99), but she doesn't even wear gold and I doubt that she needs an extra $5, so I'm thinking to bequeath it to The Romanian. She won't last much longer than me, however, because she smokes like 20 packs a day (why ARE Europeans like that???) and her entire diet is coffee and diet pills (with a side of machboos laham). I want to be burried next to a big box of Godivas and a medium-rare steak covered in Jack Daniels' marinade. Yummmmm.

I have to go back to Dr. Eman in a week to check my pressure again. Oh joy. I guess I gotta eat fish and salad this week. That sucks.

You know who I blame, don't you? Don't you? Can you guess? That's right! ..... all those stupid drivers on 5th Ring Road who want to kill me every night on my way home. All those stampeders at the sales recently who try to hoof their way into my personal space. The management individual who decided to take away my newspaper subscription at work, "You can share."

Doritos never did anything wrong... why they have to be so bad for you? If lovin' you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.